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June 21, 2006 - June 27, 2006 | Issue 42•25

Health-Club Employee Stops Going To Work After Two Weeks

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Only two weeks after signing up as an employee at Onward Health And Fitness, area resident Jennifer Lazar, initially enthusiastic about shedding excess debt in time for summer, has already lost interest in her "tedious" five-day work routine, sources reported Friday....

Report: U.S. May Have Been Abused During Formative Years

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–A new study suggests that abandonment issues going back more than two centuries may be fueling the country's aggressive... more»
New Roommate Always There

issue 4225 | 06.20.06 | News

COLUMBUS, OH–Adam Polentz said he doubts his 22-year-old roommate got up from the couch even once the entire time Polentz was away last weekend. more»
Exhausted Video Editor Can't Tell If Blooper Reel Is Funny Anymore

issue 4225 | 06.19.06 | News

LOS ANGELES, CA–Lessner fears he's lost the "killer instinct" that formerly allowed him to churn out missed-fly-ball montages and ladder-fall... more»
Coworker Even A Dick In His Expense Reports

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | News In Brief

LIVONIA, MI—Charging his transportation, lodging, and entertainment costs to his company's expense account is just one more opportunity... more»
Area Woman Fulfills Dream Of Becoming Writer By Getting Job At Bookstore

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | News In Brief

PHILADELPHIA—Aspiring novelist Sandy Bellman took the last step in her personal journey as a professional writer last week when she... more»
No One At Porn Site Responding To Area Man's Bad Link Report

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | News In Brief

CHARLESTON, SC—Frank Connor's repeated e-mails to the webmaster of Assmouthblowout.com concerning a bad link have gone without a... more»
Fan-Favorite First Season Of Bush Administration Released On DVD

issue 4225 | 06.20.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to growing demand, the Bush Administration has announced that their popular and critically acclaimed first... more»
Carolina Residents Confused, Terrified As Victorious Hurricane Players Riot In Streets

issue 4225 | 06.22.06 | Sports News

RALEIGH, NC—Only hours after the Carolina Hurricanes won the NHL Championship Monday night in a hard-fought Game 7 against the Edmonton... more»
UN Taking Guns?

issue 4225 | 06.27.06 | American Voices
Ads Defend Carbon Dioxide

issue 4225 | 06.26.06 | American Voices
Death Penalty For Hussein?

issue 4225 | 06.23.06 | American Voices

Chief prosecutor Jaafar al-Moussawi called for the death penalty for Saddam Hussein for crimes against humanity during attacks on Shiite civilians... more»
Pentagon: Gay Equals Crazy

issue 4225 | 06.22.06 | American Voices

Recently released documents reveal that the Pentagon considers homosexuality to be a mental disorder, decades after mainstream psychology dismissed... more»
Adult-Proof Ringtone

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | American Voices

Some teens are reportedly using a ringtone so high-pitched that most adults cannot hear it. What do you think? more»
Aging Seeing-Eye Dog Purchases Seeing-Eye Squirrel

issue 4225 | 06.27.06 | Radio
Area Man's Autograph Collection Pretty Much The Saddest Thing

issue 4225 | 06.26.06 | Radio
McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' From Advertising

issue 4225 | 06.25.06 | Radio
Backyard Wrestling Turns Out To Be Self-Correcting Problem

issue 4225 | 06.24.06 | Radio
'Shark Whisperer' Missing At Sea

issue 4225 | 06.23.06 | Radio
Area Man Overcomes Relaxing Battle With Sedatives

issue 4225 | 06.22.06 | Radio
Bigamist Continues Searching For Another Ms. Right

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | Radio
Toby Keith Struggling To Come Up With Rhyme For Ahmadinejad

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | News In Photos
Puppy Love Leads To Human Baby

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | News In Photos
Is Anyone On This Bus Interested In Disciplining My Son?

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | Commentary

I can tell by your disapproving stares, hushed whispers, and looks of genuine concern that just about everyone on this crosstown bus thinks... more»
I'm Not One Of Those Fancy College-Educated Doctors

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | Commentary

I'm a doctor, and I'm damn good at it. Why? Because I learned to be a doctor the old-fashioned way: gumption, elbow grease, and trial and... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | Horoscopes
UAW Union Recruitment

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | Infographic
Top Home Remedies

issue 4225 | 06.21.06 | Statshot
Could Your Children Suddenly Drop Dead For No Reason?

issue 4225 | 06.23.06 | Sunday Magazine
June 24, 1957

issue 4225 | 06.22.06 | Onion In History

Eisenhower Vows to Address Growing Problem of Overdue Library Books more»
Twins Release Tony Batista Back Into Wild

issue 4225 | 06.22.06 | Photo Finish

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