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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Cancer: A series of wrong turns combined with a stubborn resistance to ask for directions will cause you, 12 other men, and a giant gay-pride-parade float to enter a not-so-tolerant part of town.

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Updates: Wednesday 6/28/06

American Voices

Coffee Counteracts Alcohol

Old Woman
"Who needs coffee when you have a family full of sober organ-donors?"


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6/28/06 8:50 AM

Onion Radio News

Insurgent Secretly Terrified Of Winning Control Of Iraq

 

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6/28/06 6:36 AM

Onion Magazine

Child Labor's Hidden Adorable Side

6/30/06 9:07 AM

Stock Watch

DJIA

Wachovia Securities recently upgraded this small Irish actor to “market perform” after a comprehensive review of 1,500 analysts' daughters indicated he would soon be the leading producer of "sooo cute" exclamations and "Mrs. Rhys Meyers" doodles.

6/28/06 12:40 PM
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