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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Leo: They all said that you couldn't do it, that it was unethical and immoral, but from borrowed and mismatched parts, you'll nonetheless create a Frankenstein's monster of a dissertation this week.

Opinion

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Updates: Wednesday 7/26/06

American Voices

Nuclear Waste Accumulating

Old Woman
"Surely there are faster, less costly ways to turn Nevada into a barren wasteland of radioactive decay."


More American Voices

7/26/06 11:44 AM

Onion Radio News

Grief Counselors Flown Over Guantanamo Bay

 

More radio news

7/26/06 7:47 AM

Onion Magazine

The Cast of VH1's "I Love The '80s"

7/28/06 11:26 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • Anaheim, CA—Having completed the first month of his summer job cleaning restrooms at Disneyland, Andrew Peterman, 17, made a secret promise to himself that if and when he ever wins the Superbowl, he will not be going to Disneyland.
  • Spooner, WI—Having taken the floor for her first dance as a married woman, harried bride Marie Larson was horrified to learn that “Love Zone” is not a ballad and Judas Priest is not a Christian rock band.
  • Twinsburg, OH—Pamela Kopsak was at first delighted to receive a birthday postcard form her dentist until she realized the card’s content was mostly about teeth.
8/01/06 7:04 AM

Stock Watch

DFCN

Stock prices for this company continued to rise as the need for professional-looking defence contracts remained strong in the second quarter.

7/26/06 10:18 AM

This Day In History

Sinatra Warns Russkies To Knock It Off

July 17, 1963

Sinatra Warns Russkies To Knock It Off

7/27/06 5:52 AM
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