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August 1, 2006 - August 7, 2006 | Issue 42•31

Nonprofit Fights Poverty With Poverty

CLEVELAND, OH—Helping Hearts, a nonprofit organization that assists low-income Clevelanders, marked its eighth anniversary Monday with its customary celebration of a box-mix home-made cake, a pitcher of Kool-Aid, and a promise from assistant director Susan Lindstrom to continue its tireless...

Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self

issue 4231 | 08.01.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The landmark decision enables the executive branch to allow itself more protection from restriction at the hands of the... more»
Report: Meat Now America's No. 2 Condiment

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | News

CHICAGO—Bacon and spreadable veal helped the up-and-comer best Big Three standards salsa and mayonnaise for the first time. more»
Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins

issue 4231 | 07.31.06 | News

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Further hormonal instability may result in the deployment of serotonin to the affected region. more»
Woman In Coffee Shop Judges A Record 147 People

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, OR—Clarissa Nantz, a clothing buyer for Nordstrom's and a coffee-shop regular, broke her own record for judgmental behavior... more»
Starfucker Gives Stephen Baldwin A Hand Job

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Celebrity Mole star Stephen Baldwin said he enjoyed having his genitals manually manipulated Saturday at a Veronica... more»
Critics Accuse Joe Biden Of Running For President For Political Reasons

issue 4231 | 08.01.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Veteran presidential candidate Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE) is once again facing criticism that his bid for the nation's... more»
Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting

issue 4231 | 07.31.06 | News In Brief

BOSTON—The staff of Viacom's regional syndication and licensing division have "absolutely no idea" what is happening with their... more»
Ken Lay's Corpse Sentenced To Prison

issue 4231 | 07.28.06 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—A U.S. district court judge handed down the maximum sentence Tuesday to the body of former Enron CEO Kenneth L.... more»
Report: Your Favorite Player Took Steroids

issue 4231 | 08.03.06 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Representatives from Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, the National Hockey... more»
Minimum Wage Hike Blocked

issue 4231 | 08.08.06 | American Voices

Senate Democrats blocked a bill last week that would raise the minimum wage, but would also cut the estate tax on multi-million-dollar estates. ... more»
Bush Designates USA Today "Small Business"

issue 4231 | 08.07.06 | American Voices

The Bush administration designated several large companies, including media giants USA Today and the Associated Press, as small businesses,... more»
Drunken Gibson Offends Cops

issue 4231 | 08.04.06 | American Voices

After being pulled over, actor Mel Gibson went on a drunken tirade in which he blamed the Jews for being the cause of all the wars and referred to... more»
Nation Faces Record Heat

issue 4231 | 08.03.06 | American Voices

A devastating heat wave that began in the Southwest is moving through the Midwest and East, racking up record-breaking, triple-digit temperatures.... more»
Cuban Leadership Passed
To Castro's Brother

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | American Voices

Cuban leader Fidel Castro, 80, will for the first time temporarily hand over power to his brother, Raul, while he recovers from gastrointestinal... more»
Roomba Continues Gathering Evidence Against Human Captor

issue 4231 | 08.08.06 | Radio
47-Member Wedding Party Pulls Off Largest Dine-And-Dash In Restaurant History

issue 4231 | 08.07.06 | Radio
Two New Burger King Sandwiches Negate Each Other

issue 4231 | 08.06.06 | Radio
Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle

issue 4231 | 08.05.06 | Radio
Mel Gibson Launches Rockets Into Israel

issue 4231 | 08.04.06 | Radio
Man Forced To Witness Own $10 Haircut

issue 4231 | 08.03.06 | Radio
Prison Tattoo Artist Says It's A Swastika Or Nothing

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | Radio
Commuter Playing Some Sort Of Alphabet Sudoku

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | News In Photos
Visit To Google Earth Reveals House Is On Fire

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | News In Photos
I Demand Justice-Themed TV Dramas

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | Commentary

Fellow citizens, every time I turn on the television, I am ashamed of what I see. I see a society where the innocent are brutalized by the... more»
Ladies, This Is As Handsome As I'm Going To Get

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | Commentary

Women between the ages of, say, 19 and 40, if I can have your attention for a brief moment, I would like to present something to you: me! I... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | Horoscopes
New Boeing Jetliner

issue 4231 | 08.02.06 | Infographic
How Are We Distracting Ourselves?

issue 4231 | 07.31.06 | Statshot
How Did You Get This Number?

issue 4231 | 08.04.06 | Sunday Magazine
August 5, 1914

issue 4231 | 08.03.06 | Onion In History

War Declared By All more»
Millions Of Americans Buying Floyd Landis-Inspired Bracelets

issue 4231 | 08.03.06 | Photo Finish

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