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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Leo: While you've always considered yourself to be the kind of person who puts others first, the women and children aboard a Carnival Cruise ship next week will see things differently.

Opinion

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Updates: Wednesday 8/02/06

American Voices

Cuban Leadership Passed
To Castro's Brother

Old Woman
"I'm used to the human rights violations, but I had hoped Castro was above nepotism."


More American Voices

8/02/06 12:49 PM

Onion Radio News

Prison Tattoo Artist Says It's A Swastika Or Nothing

 

More radio news

8/02/06 5:04 AM

Onion Magazine

How Did You Get This Number?

8/04/06 8:18 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • SAN ANDREAS, CA—After reaching the section on fault lines, tectonic shift, and massive earthquakes, Mr. Molina's 7th-grade geology class fell gravely silent for the remainder of the period.
  • OCEAN CITY, MD—Angela Macedo had no idea making money as a hair model for first-year cosmetology students was as easy as setting aside all of her pride and self-respect.
  • AMARILLO, TX—Local authorities tracked down and arrested six members of the Alvarez family who were alleged to have indulged in an unsanctioned "Quatro De Julio" celebration.
8/08/06 12:27 PM

Stock Watch

DPCO

This offshoot of the highly successful maker of the world¹s first line of edible underwear is enjoying a huge boost in sales as lovemakers grow increasingly parched during the hot summer months.

8/02/06 12:49 PM

This Day In History

All Declare War

August 5, 1914

War Declared By All

8/03/06 6:58 AM
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