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August 9, 2006 - August 15, 2006 | Issue 42•32

Abusive Husband Has Sense Of Humor About It

CARUTHERSVILLE, MO—It would be easy for abusive husband Glenn Osteen to complain. Out of breath, fists bruised and bloodied from repeated strikes against bone, one would almost expect the 39-year-old to surrender to frustration, to scream out in...

Condoleezza Rice Holds Bathtime Talks With Undersea Representatives

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Delegates worked out a new cease-splash agreement and broke an impasse on temperature reform. more»
New Oliver Stone 9/11 Film Introduces 'Single Plane' Theory

issue 4232 | 08.08.06 | News

NEW YORK—The controversial new film throws previous theories of multiple planes into serious doubt. more»
Prohibitively High Rocket-Fuel Prices Bring Mideast Crisis To Standstill

issue 4232 | 08.07.06 | News

BEIRUT, LEBANON—Lines at the pump extended for miles as frustrated Hezbollah soldiers waited for hours to fill up their Katushyas and Qassam-2s. more»
No Leads Sought In Asshole's Murder

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | News In Brief

BROOKLYN, NY—The New York Police Department released a statement today confirming its intention to ignore the brutal slaying of local... more»
Area Man To Attend Grad School To Find A Girlfriend

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | News In Brief

ANN ARBOR, MI—Citing a lack of opportunities after a year in the outside world, Jacobean drama student Mark Griffin has decided to return... more»
Wounded Marine: Friendly-Fire Bullets Hurt That Much More

issue 4232 | 08.08.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington after taking multiple rifle rounds in his thigh and hip in... more»
Loud Fake Laugh Misinterpreted As Loud Real Laugh In Critical Sarcasm Miscalculation

issue 4232 | 08.07.06 | News In Brief

DAYTON, OH—Confusion and awkwardness are still being felt after a boisterous guffaw intended to convey sarcastic dismissal of a comment... more»
Executive Reschedules Wife's Birthday For October

issue 4232 | 08.04.06 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS—Citing crucial budget meetings, the rollout of a seasonal ad blitz, and several can't-miss golf games, Hewlett–Packard... more»
Ozzie Guillen Fined $10,000 For What He Just Thought

issue 4232 | 08.10.06 | Sports News

CHICAGO—MLB disciplinary officials announced that Ozzie Guillen would be fined $10,000 and ordered to undergo sensitivity psychoanalysis for... more»
Pluto Not A Planet?

issue 4232 | 08.15.06 | American Voices

Scientists from around the world are convening this week to decide whether or not Pluto fits the definition of a planet. What do you think? more»
Texas Penguin Truck Accident

issue 4232 | 08.14.06 | American Voices

Last week, a truck carrying exotic fish, penguins, and an octopus overturned on a Texas highway, spilling its cargo. What do you think? more»
New Terror Plot Stopped

issue 4232 | 08.11.06 | American Voices

The country's aviation system is on high orange alert after officials broke up an al Qaeda plot to blow set off homemade bombs on flights from... more»
Lieberman Defeated in Primary

issue 4232 | 08.10.06 | American Voices

Challenger Ned Lamont narrowly defeated conservative incumbent Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut Democratic primary. What do you think? more»
Ohio Candidate Calls It Quits

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | American Voices

Congressman Bob Ney, who is under investigation for his dealings with lobbyist Jack Abramoff, has abandoned his campaign for reelection. What do... more»
Times Square-Themed Store To Open In Disney World

issue 4232 | 08.15.06 | Radio
Area Man's Hurricane-Disaster Plan Begins, Ends With Jar Of Nickels

issue 4232 | 08.14.06 | Radio
Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike

issue 4232 | 08.13.06 | Radio
Film-School Graduate Badmouths Film School

issue 4232 | 08.12.06 | Radio
Arthritic Driver Finally Flips Off Pedestrian

issue 4232 | 08.11.06 | Radio
Yoga Training Pays Off During Bending Emergency

issue 4232 | 08.10.06 | Radio
Miss Universe Spends Awkward Elevator Ride With Miss Alternate Universe

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | Radio
Raving Maniac Just Saying What Everyone Wants To Hear

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | News In Photos
Hasbro Concedes World Not Ready For Rubik’s Chicken

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | News In Photos
Having A Gardener Is A Wonderful Hobby

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | Commentary

If you had asked me three years ago if I was ever going to have a gardener, I probably would have thought you were out of your tree. Sure, I... more»
My Use Of Simile Sucks As Bad As The River Tide

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | Commentary

I consider myself a pretty eloquent guy. My grasp of communication is as tight as a three-dollar slipknot. I've been told my diction's clear... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | Horoscopes
Plan B Pill Objections

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | Infographic
What Are We Hiding Behind Our Backs?

issue 4232 | 08.09.06 | Statshot
Top Vacation Spots For People Like You

issue 4232 | 08.11.06 | Sunday Magazine
Aug. 10, 1945

issue 4232 | 08.10.06 | Onion In History

Nagasaki Bombed 'Just for the Hell of it' more»
Hall Of Fame Inductee John Madden Introduced By Favorite Sandwich

issue 4232 | 08.10.06 | Photo Finish

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