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Celebrity Launches Own-Breasts Awareness Campaign

Celebrity Launches R LOS ANGELES—Amid growing personal concern that the subjects are not receiving enough national attention, singer–actress Jessica Simpson announced the launch Monday of an ambitious, multimillion-dollar campaign promoting awareness of her breasts...

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Leo: You will once again be left feeling hurt and taken advantage of when a stranger you meet at a bar fails to call after a 21-night stand.

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Updates: Wednesday 8/16/06

American Voices

Unabomber's Possessions To Be Auctioned Off

 Black Man
"It's too bad that they're not auctioning off the actual bomb-making materials. Nothing quite says 'Unabomber' like his bomb-making materials."


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8/16/06 11:26 AM

Onion Radio News

Burned Kid Ruins Hydrochloric Acid For Everyone Else

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8/16/06 8:35 AM

Onion Magazine

All The Questions You Never Cared To Ask Matthew McConaughey

8/18/06 11:21 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • Connellsville, PA—Rickey Grove decided that he would only attend the Fayette County Fair on the condition that his friends allowed him to drive drunk.
  • Sarasota, FL—Although he has given careful consideration to all the new information he received in kindergarten class, five-year-old Sam Moses decided Monday that he simply doesn't want to live in a world without force fields.
  • Rapid City, SD—Jamie Moyer, 14, shot his younger brother in the back with a BB gun for no real good reason other than he looked like he was going to say something smart.
8/22/06 5:08 AM

Stock Watch

SCSL

Attempting to capitalize off The Clapper, SS, Ltd. failed to gain more than meager sales numbers after assuming customers would prefer to emit a series of yelps to turn on a lamp.

8/16/06 10:49 AM
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