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War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace In Religion

War Torn JERUSALEM—As an uneasy truce between Israel and Hezbollah continues, millions of average men and women in the Holy Land are turning to the one simple comfort that has always seen them through the darkest days of their troubled history: the steadfast guidance of their religious...

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Leo: Deceiving your very eyes this week, an optical illusion will at first glance appear interesting to you.

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Updates: Wednesday 8/23/06

American Voices

Child-Porn Lite

 Old Woman
"I'm not convinced that these pictures are authentic. Until I'm assured by experts that these children are being exploited, I will not be able to appreciate it."


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8/23/06 7:34 AM

Onion Radio News

Retired Marathon Runner Discovers Eater's High

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8/23/06 6:10 AM

Onion Magazine

20 Students: Who Are Changing The World And What the FBI Has On Them

8/25/06 9:53 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • SMITHS FERRY, ID—Rather than let the unsolved quadruple-homicide that left a rural family dead tarnish the image of this sleepy village, the Smith's Ferry Town Council instead decided to hold a "Quadruple-Homicide-Days Celebration" on its one-year anniversary.
  • SOUTHPORT, NC—Local teenager Lionel Torcello failed to wake sweetheart Nancy Glieber late last night after his search for pebbles proved fruitless and the hand-fulls of sand he hurled at her window turned out to be ineffective.
  • RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA—After growing their lawn a quarter of an inch too thick, the Feuer family was cast out of their gated community and banished to the nearby wilds where they continue to live, subsisting on berries, redwood bark, and the country club's discarded orders.
8/29/06 10:42 AM

Stock Watch

ABOG

Outlook is bleak for this dry-land distributor of tomato juice and ginger ale, as customers demonstrate again and again that they really only want to enjoy those beverages while flying on a plane.

8/23/06 12:49 PM

This Day In History

Panama Canal

August 24, 1914

Infectious Diseases Celebrate Opening Of Panama Canal

8/24/06 11:32 AM
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