Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 23, 2006 - August 29, 2006 | Issue 42•34

Area Man Finally Lands Dream Salary

LOS ANGELES—Since he was a boy, Michael Dvorak dreamed of one day earning $56,000 a year. Earlier this month, the law firm White & Case finally made that longtime dream come true, hiring Dvorak at just that salary. "I am definitely one of the lucky f...

War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace In Religion

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | News

JERUSALEM—Millions of Middle Easterners are turning to one thing to make sense of the seemingly endless violence between Israelis and Arabs:... more»
National Organization For Women Turns 39 Again

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Though officials are vague about what year NOW was founded, they do say a women's organization is only as old as it feels. more»
Child In Corner To Exact Revenge As Soon As He Gets Out

issue 4234 | 08.21.06 | News

SEATTLE—Six-year-old Daniel Barriault says he has learned his lesson, but what those who wronged him don't realize is that their lesson has... more»
New 'Baby Weinstein' Tapes Prepare Infants For Career In Entertainment Law

issue 4234 | 08.24.06 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Zazz! Entertainment, Inc. announced Monday that sales of their Baby Weinstein series of children's DVDs, CDs, and... more»
Tide Of War Turns After Rumsfeld's Inspiring Barracks Pep Talk

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—With his highly touted, top-ranked team on the brink of elimination, Secretary Of Defense Donald Rumsfeld delivered an... more»
Lawrence The T-1 Connection Guy Hit Of White-Collar Comedy Tour

issue 4234 | 08.22.06 | News In Brief

OFFICE PARK, MD—This year's White Collar Comedy Tour, the comic festival that "dots all the I's while it crosses the business class,"... more»
Verizon Introduces New Charge-You-At-Whim Plan

issue 4234 | 08.21.06 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Verizon Communications, Inc. announced a new service package for its wireless and residential customers that would charge... more»
Area Man Just Ruined It For Everyone

issue 4234 | 08.18.06 | News In Brief

MORGANTOWN, WV—Area resident Adam Poole just had to go and ruin it for everyone Wednesday after taking advantage of a long-standing... more»
Yankees–Red Sox Rivalry Running Dangerously Low On Storylines

issue 4234 | 08.24.06 | Sports News

BOSTON—As the long-running Yankees–Red Sox rivalry nears the end of its 104th season, the popular feud that once provided fans with... more»
Survivor To Be Segregated

issue 4234 | 08.29.06 | American Voices

The new season of Survivor will feature four racially-segregated teams this year. What do you think? more»
Camaro Coming Back

issue 4234 | 08.28.06 | American Voices

General Motors announced that, after a five-year absence, the Camaro will be re-introduced in 2009. What do you think? more»
Human Evolution Gene Discovered

issue 4234 | 08.25.06 | American Voices

Scientists have discovered the gene that causes human brains to evolve beyond those of chimps. What do you think? more»
Missile Numbers Reclassified

issue 4234 | 08.24.06 | American Voices

The United States is reclassifying the count and locations of its Cold War nuclear missiles, information which has been in the public domain for... more»
Child-Porn Lite

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | American Voices

The New York Times has uncovered more than 200 websites featuring sexually suggestive—but clothed—pictures of children that... more»
Aliens Call Off Mission To Communicate With Humans Through Urine-Soaked Homeless Man

issue 4234 | 08.29.06 | Radio
Consumer Reports Magazine Rates Itself Out Of Business

issue 4234 | 08.28.06 | Radio
National Science Foundation: Science Hard

issue 4234 | 08.27.06 | Radio
Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him

issue 4234 | 08.26.06 | Radio
Man Hit With Baseball Bat Needs A Minute

issue 4234 | 08.25.06 | Radio
Coffee-Shop Patron Really Likes Your Earrings

issue 4234 | 08.24.06 | Radio
Retired Marathon Runner Discovers Eater's High

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | Radio
Promotional Pen Covered In Deadly Virus

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | News In Photos
Kenny Chesney Also Poor Man's Kenny Chesney

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | News In Photos
Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Trying To Gentrify This Neighborhood

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | Commentary

When I moved into this neighborhood, I fell in love right away. Not with the actual neighborhood, but with its potential: It's affordable,... more»
Sensors Indicate You're Settin' Up For A Kickass Party

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | Commentary

Well, now, would you take a gander at what a routine 10-by-50-klick sweep of the U.S.-Mexico border has turned up on both visible-spectrum... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | Horoscopes
Expensive Medical Treatments

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | Infographic

Many Americans with life-threatening diseases have been refusing new medical treatments, saying the high costs outweigh the benefits. Here are... more»
Rejected Action Movie One-Liners

issue 4234 | 08.23.06 | Statshot
20 Students: Who Are Changing The World And What the FBI Has On Them

issue 4234 | 08.25.06 | Sunday Magazine
August 24, 1914

issue 4234 | 08.24.06 | Onion In History

Infectious Diseases Celebrate Opening Of Panama Canal more»
University Of Michigan Expands Michigan Stadium To Seat Everyone In Michigan

issue 4234 | 08.24.06 | Photo Finish

From Our News Partners

The OnionConnect

Site Links

Email Dispatch