Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 30, 2006 - September 5, 2006 | Issue 42•35

Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary

EASTTOWN, PA—After seven years of prolonged glances and unsatisfied desires, Scott Winters, assistant vice president for Basin Financial, threw caution to the wind Monday, finally declaring his feelings and intentions for secretary Anna Davis through a series of suggestive gestures,...

Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—While acknowledging every American's inalienable right to free speech, the president asked citizens to "hold off on it for,... more»
Parasite Regrets Choosing Adam Carolla As Host

issue 4235 | 08.29.06 | News

LOS ANGELES—The Necator americanus hookworm said spending so much time with the TV personality has made it long for the days when... more»
10 O’Clock News Team Relying Heavily On Work Of 6 O’Clock News Team

issue 4235 | 08.28.06 | News

AMARILLO, TX—The re-airing of everything from high-school baseball bloopers to tips on how to beat the heat had viewers wondering what a... more»
Al-Qaeda's No. 114 Killed On Office Depot Run

issue 4235 | 08.31.06 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—The FBI has announced that Jalal Dawoud, a suspected al-Qaeda lieutenant, was killed in a single-car accident while en route... more»
Police Dog Successfully Brings Down Fugitive Frisbee

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—Columbus police commended the bravery and quick instincts of Dutch, an off-duty police dog, who pursued, apprehended, and... more»
7th Heaven Celebrates 100th Underage Drinking Episode

issue 4235 | 08.29.06 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—The producers of long-running family drama 7th Heaven have announced its 100th landmark episode dealing with... more»
Right Guy To Fuck With Identified

issue 4235 | 08.28.06 | News In Brief

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After having repeatedly been observed talking on the phone with his girlfriend, fumbling with a student-lounge vending... more»
Résumé Font Offends Employer

issue 4235 | 08.25.06 | News In Brief

CHARLOTTE, NC—The decision to set his résumé in default-font Times–New Roman "deeply, personally, and irrevocably" offended a... more»
NFL Training-Camp Survivors Too Traumatized To Talk About Experience

issue 4235 | 08.31.06 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Although the ever-mounting accumulation of eyewitness testimony from battered, exhausted football players in all 32 NFL cities is... more»
Crocodile Hunter Dead At 44

issue 4235 | 09.05.06 | American Voices

Steve Irwin, star of Discovery Channel’s The Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray while filming in Australia. What do you think? more»
Video Games To Have Ads

issue 4235 | 09.04.06 | American Voices

EA Games, makers of the popular Madden football-video-game franchise, just signed a deal with Microsoft's ad-placement arm to incorporate real-time... more»
Nebraska State Trooper In Klan

issue 4235 | 09.01.06 | American Voices

An arbitrator for the state of Nebraska ruled that a state trooper could not be fired for belonging to the Ku Klux Klan. What do you think? more»
Vatican Against ‘Ethical’ Stem Cells

issue 4235 | 08.31.06 | American Voices

A new technique of harvesting stem cells without destroying the embryos is coming under fire from the Vatican as unethical. What do you think? more»
Harris: Non-Christian Politicians 'Legislate Sin'

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | American Voices

Congresswoman Katherine Harris (R-FL) recently stated that separation of church and state was "a lie," and that non-Christian elected officials... more»
Jerry Lewis Telethon Loses Record Thirty Million Dollars

issue 4235 | 09.05.06 | Radio
Long-Winded Serial Killer Runs Out Of Forehead Space Again

issue 4235 | 09.04.06 | Radio
American People Shrug, Line Up For Fingerprinting

issue 4235 | 09.03.06 | Radio
Previously Treasured Spawn Poster Used As Dustpan

issue 4235 | 09.02.06 | Radio
Heartbroken Demolitions Expert Throws Himself Into His Work

issue 4235 | 09.01.06 | Radio
Poultry Buyer Just Falls Into Flock Of Really Premium Chickens

issue 4235 | 08.31.06 | Radio
President Bush Gives Up Presidency For True Love

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | Radio
Jogger Thinks He Looks Great

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | News In Photos
Intel Unveils Oversized Novelty Processor

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | News In Photos
Do My Empty Threats Mean Nothing To You?

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | Commentary

Lately, I've been getting the impression that you're not taking me very seriously. Yesterday, you barely even looked in my direction when I... more»
Girl, Smoove Will Not Be Able To Attend Your Wedding

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | Columnists

Girl, while it has been almost two years since we broke apart, not a second goes by that you are not on my mind. As I have written many times... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | Horoscopes
Misinterpreted Foreign Business Gestures

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | Infographic

When working at a foreign business, it's important to learn the customs and body language of your new associates. Here are the most commonly... more»
What We Neglected To Tell The Babysitter

issue 4235 | 08.30.06 | Statshot
This Genocide Isn't All That Bad

issue 4235 | 09.01.06 | Sunday Magazine
On-Deck Prince Fielder Puts Dozen Donuts On Bat

issue 4235 | 08.31.06 | Photo Finish

From Our News Partners

The OnionConnect

Site Links

Email Dispatch