Celebrating 10 Years Online

THE ONION DISPATCH

DAILY
WEEKLY

More Newsletters

PERSONAL OF THE DAY


 

Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think

Bush WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address Monday, President Bush urged all citizens, regardless of race, creed, color, or political affiliation, "to quiet down for just one minute" so he could have "a chance to think."

"Every American has an in...

Read more

Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Virgo: While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.

Infographic

Infographic Gestures

Misinterpreted Foreign Business Gestures

Statshot

Statshot What We R

What We Neglected To Tell The Babysitter

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Wednesday 8/30/06

American Voices

Harris: Non-Christian Politicians 'Legislate Sin'

 Old Woman
"She wasn't saying that Christians are the only people fit to make laws—just that they're the only people, period."


More American Voices

8/30/06 10:22 AM

Onion Radio News

President Bush Gives Up Presidency For True Love

Listen
 

More radio news

8/30/06 8:22 AM

Onion Magazine

This Genocide Isn't All That Bad

9/01/06 8:04 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • SOUTH BARRINGTON, IL—Despite desk-separation measures put in place Monday, if physics teacher Edgar Krantz uses the word “balls” one more time during his demonstration of kinetic energy, juniors Keith Lomb and Nicholas Lefferts will totally lose it.
  • WALTHAM, MA—A mysterious stalking and subsequent ghastly murder in their quiet New England town led detective Lincoln Rhyme and paraplegic seer Amelia Sachs to suspect that they were actually characters in a Jeffrey Deaver novel.
  • LAREDO, TX—In spite of exhaustive, detailed instructions in the party invitations, hostess Patty Peterson was the only person in attendance observing the Hawaiian-luau theme.
9/05/06 5:06 AM

Stock Watch

BSH

Frustrated parents and investors alike have embraced this producer of baby-shaped maracas designed to satisfy their urge to shake a baby without having to harm their own.

8/30/06 7:05 AM
© Copyright 2008, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
Powered By Rackspace