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Five Years Later

NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole

NYC Unveils R NEW YORK—Days before the fifth anniversary of the destruction of New York's World Trade Center by terrorists, city officials gathered on the site where the Twin Towers once stood to dedicate the newly completed 9/11 Memorial Hole.

"From the wreckage and as...

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Virgo: There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.

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Updates: Wednesday 9/06/06

American Voices

U.S. Planes Kill Canadian

 Old Woman
"This sends a powerful message to bin Laden. It says, 'We're willing to destroy any ally in order to hunt you down in what would be a largely symbolic victory.'"


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9/06/06 5:09 AM

Onion Radio News

Amateur Metallurgist Always Ready To Melt Things Down

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9/06/06 9:08 AM

Onion Magazine

Where Da Girls At?

9/08/06 5:36 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • PHOENIX, AZ—After approval from the parents and alpha male, Phoenix Zoo officials decided it would be best for 3-year-old Denny Taylor to be raised by the gorillas whose cage he wandered into.
  • ST. LOUIS, MO—After learning that Elmore James is widely considered the king of the slide guitar and Ben Harper is the de facto prince of the slide guitar, local teenager Milo Kelly decided to undergo gender reassignment surgery in order to ascend to the instrument's monarchical ranks.
  • HARTFORD, MI—The first annual Gulf War reenactment took place last week to little fanfare as the 37th Engineering Battalion recreated the depression, anxiety, musculoskeletal disorders, fatigue, respiratory problems, memory loss, and other symptoms associated with Gulf War Syndrome.
9/12/06 5:30 AM

Stock Watch

United Archaeologic Adventures LLC

The Middle Eastern arm of this famously daring ancient-mystery-hunting corporation hit a predictable setback when yet another overeager junior-exec drank from the wrong grail.

9/06/06 5:49 AM

This Day In History

Teeny Baby

Sept. 6, 1997

'Teeny Baby' Trend Big With Inner-City Teens

9/07/06 9:11 AM
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