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September 20, 2006 - September 26, 2006 | Issue 42•38

Author Too Much Of A Pussy To Kill Off Characters

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In what many in the literary world are decrying as a violation of the sacred bond between author and readers, Benjamin Webb's much-anticipated second novel, In Winter's Shadow, a follow-up to his acclaimed debut Autumn's End, has met with abject disdain from...

Massive Tag Body Spray Slick Spreading From Jersey Shore

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | News

TOMS RIVER, NJ—Environmentalists fear that the noxious spill could offset Mid-Atlantic breeding patterns for years to come. more»
New Bill Would Defend Marriage From Sharks

issue 4238 | 09.19.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Congressional Republicans cited the saw-edged teeth of the shark community as a direct threat to married couples everywhere. more»
Uninvited Guest Rapper Ruins Album

issue 4238 | 09.18.06 | News

BRONX, NY—Despite efforts to "meet the sucka halfway," veteran rapper Fat Joe now wishes longtime nigga Lil Wayne would just go work on his own... more»
Pectoral Muscles Targeted By Fitness Fundamentalists

issue 4238 | 09.21.06 | News In Brief

SANA'A, YEMEN—A videotaped statement shown Monday on Yemeni television provides the most conclusive evidence yet that the Muslim... more»
Super Priest Can Turn Anything Into Body, Blood Of Christ

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | News In Brief

TAOS, NM—Father Thomas Mandow appears to be a simple, mild-mannered parish priest, but his remarkable faith and surpassing holiness... more»
Mister Rogers' Neighborhood Gerrymandered To Serve King Friday's Make-Believe Agenda

issue 4238 | 09.19.06 | News In Brief

MISTER ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD, PA—A plan to radically redistrict Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood to further cement the control of the powerful... more»
Man Psyches Self Out During Selection Of Ice-Cream Flavor

issue 4238 | 09.18.06 | News In Brief

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Tallahassee resident Hannibal Grant found himself "paralyzed" by the sheer immensity of ice-cream options available to... more»
Senile Mother A Broken Novelty Record

issue 4238 | 09.15.06 | News In Brief

HUNTLEY, NE—The constant chatter of vascular dementia–afflicted Sophia Chandler, 88, has become a "broken novelty record" to the... more»
Reggie Bush Claims He Made $100,000 Through USC Work-Study Program

issue 4238 | 09.21.06 | Sports News

NEW ORLEANS—Saints running back and former Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush refuted charges Monday that he accepted gifts, money, and other... more»
War Makes U.S. Less Safe

issue 4238 | 09.26.06 | American Voices

A recent National Intelligence Estimate report found that the war in Iraq has in fact increased Islamic extremism and the overall threat of terror.... more»
$2 Billion Environment Pledge

issue 4238 | 09.25.06 | American Voices

Richard Branson, the eccentric head of the Virgin Group, has pledged two billion dollars to fight global warming. What do you think? more»
Bloodless Thai Coup

issue 4238 | 09.22.06 | American Voices

Thailand went through a bloodless coup while the President was out in the United States to address the United Nations. That do you think? more»
Willie Nelson Busted For Pot

issue 4238 | 09.21.06 | American Voices

Willie Nelson was issued a citation Monday for possession of marijuana and psychedelic mushrooms. What do you think? more»
Pope Apologizes To Muslims

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | American Voices

Pope Benedict has apologized for offending Muslims in a speech he gave in Germany last week. What do you think? more»
Passed-Out Guy On Front Lawn Better Not Be Dead

issue 4238 | 09.26.06 | Radio
Optimist's Coffin Half Full

issue 4238 | 09.25.06 | Radio
Police On Lookout For Poorly Drawn Man

issue 4238 | 09.24.06 | Radio
Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down

issue 4238 | 09.23.06 | Radio
North Korea Tests Out Short-Range Missiles On Friends And Family First

issue 4238 | 09.22.06 | Radio
Two-Week Bender Just Flies By

issue 4238 | 09.21.06 | Radio
Terror Plot Foiled By Pure Luck

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | Radio
Jaws Of Death Used To Stuff Woman Into Burning Car

issue 4238 | 09.28.06 | News In Photos
Carbon-Monoxide Detector With Snooze Button Recalled

issue 4238 | 09.21.06 | News In Photos
Two-Thirds Of High- School Marching Band Just Pretending To Play

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | News In Photos
I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | Commentary

I'll say it. I like to fuck. I do it a lot. And sometimes it gets me into unfortunate situations. Like right now. Right now I am royally... more»
My Grief Has Taken The Form Of Go-Karting

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | Commentary

After my wife died, my whole world was torn apart. I had never faced such a devastating loss, and I didn't know how to cope. I found myself... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | Horoscopes
Home Sales Dropping

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | Infographic

For the third straight month, sales on preexisting homes dropped, leading realtors to call it a "buyer's market." Here are some strategies... more»
Where Are We Having Brunch?

issue 4238 | 09.20.06 | Statshot
Autumn: Could It Kill Us All?

issue 4238 | 09.22.06 | Sunday Magazine
Sept. 28, 1964

issue 4238 | 09.21.06 | Onion In History

Malcom X: ‘I Also Have A Dream’ more»
Manny Being Manny During Massachusetts State Driver's License Photo

issue 4238 | 09.21.06 | Photo Finish

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