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PERSONAL OF THE DAY


 

Massive Tag Body Spray Slick Spreading From Jersey Shore

Mile Wide R TOMS RIVER, NJ—A weekend spillage of Tag Body Spray being described as the worst personal fragrance-related natural disaster in the history of the Eastern Seaboard continued to spread along New Jersey's Atlantic shore late Tuesday morning as disaster-management crews worked to contain...

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Virgo: Fed up with being exploited and mistreated at work, you'll finally take control of your life this Thursday and hand in your two-year notice of resignation.

Infographic

Infographic Home Sales R

Home Sales Dropping

Statshot

Statshot Where Are We R

Where Are We Having Brunch?

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Wednesday 9/20/06

American Voices

Pope Apologizes To Muslims

 Old Woman
"Geez, I wonder what the Pope is like when he's not apologizing."


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9/20/06 8:27 AM

Onion Radio News

Terror Plot Foiled By Pure Luck

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9/20/06 8:03 AM

Onion Magazine

Autumn: Could It Kill Us All?

9/22/06 10:59 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • CANTON, OH—Mark Hamlin spent 45 minutes at the National Football Hall of Fame receiving marital advice from the bust of Vince Lombardi.
  • STAUNTON, VA—Parents Barb and Gill Feller grew increasingly frustrated after having to sit through another round of complaints from their synaesthesiac daughter that her ice cream tasted like seven.
  • SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Symphony Associate Director Marvin Quidley announced his retirement in June, but has opted to stay on until the end of the 2006 season to wave his hands around and collect a paycheck.
9/26/06 10:58 AM

Stock Watch

Permanent Pants, Ltd.

Shares tumbled to a new 52-week low after the filing of a massive class-action lawsuit against this manufacturer of hot-tar-based permanent trouser kits.

9/20/06 5:32 AM

This Day In History

I Also Have a Dream

Sept. 28, 1964

Malcom X: ‘I Also Have A Dream’

9/21/06 5:38 AM
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