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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Libra: Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.

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Updates: Wednesday 9/27/06

American Voices

More TVs Than People

Old Woman
"Does that include the people on the televisions? Because they are just as much a part of my household as my children."


More American Voices

9/27/06 12:28 PM

Onion Radio News

Foster Parents Adopt Superior Attitude

 

More radio news

9/27/06 10:28 AM

Onion Magazine

"I'm All Out Of Life-Changing Epiphanies"

9/29/06 11:33 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Guest Derek Carlson once again asked the Sunnyside Resort Hotel concierge to suggest a local restaurant, but could not decide which synonym of "cheap" to use this time.
  • BRECKENRIDGE, TX—After learning of the death of his favorite bull today, cattle rancher Joe Curry broke down in tears, shot his .22 at the sky, and screamed at the rest of the herd "It should have been you!"
  • SPOKANE, WA—Hot-air-balloon pilot Tom Kirkland endured the most awkward 45 seconds of his life immediately after informing his passenger that, in order to stay in the air, they had to drop about 200 lbs of weight.
10/03/06 5:23 AM

Stock Watch

Credible Excuses, Inc.

Investors saw a rise in shares this week as consumers sought a fresh supply of excuses, since the traditional Dead Cell Phone, Sick Relative, Horrible Traffic Jam, and Lack Of Internet Connection are no longer cutting it.

9/27/06 5:45 AM

This Day In History

Hideous Wooden Imp Causes National Panic

Sept. 30, 1949

Hideous Wooden Imp Causes National Panic

9/28/06 6:57 AM
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