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This Week’s Horoscopes

Libra: You will once again play the role of straight man this week to a long, tangled stretch of extension cord.

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Opinion

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Updates: Wednesday 10/04/06

American Voices

Rash Of School Shootings

Old Woman
"Gotta say, the coverage is really improving. Quick conveyance of details, good b-roll of the shooters' houses, and they've stopped getting so weepy with the vigils."


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10/04/06 8:07 AM

Onion Magazine

Why American Hubris Will Never Catch Up To Us

10/06/06 7:37 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • WHITE PLAINS, NY—After his first successful date since his college days, Ken Burke, 25, was relieved to find out that the French kiss is still the kiss of choice among mid-20-year-olds and that no new advances had been made in kissing procedures.
  • CINCINATI, OH—While taking a momentary break from his computer to get a Snapple, Carl Nowak’s Sims game achieved a Utopian society mere moments before a system crash prevented him from documenting his results and sharing them with the world.
  • MOBILE, AL—Upon learning of her pregnancy, circus side-show geek Irene “The Gaping Maw” Warren vowed to be a responsible mother and began eating bicycle spokes and shards of glass for two.
10/10/06 11:11 AM

Stock Watch

Cryoway

Shareholders are seeing steady growth as tortured parents of colic-stricken children are flocking to have their fussy babies' heads cryogenically frozen until a cure is found.

10/04/06 10:22 AM
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