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Libra: Years of training as a Boy Scout will lead you to escort an elderly woman across the street and take sexual advantage of her defenseless body in a nearby alleyway.

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Updates: Wednesday 10/11/06

American Voices

Ground-Beef Recall

Old Woman
"All this E. coli talk makes me wonder if I should stop eating lunch while on the toilet."


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10/11/06 10:38 AM

Onion Radio News

Selfish Scientists Won't Share Findings

 

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10/11/06 9:43 AM

Onion Magazine

Pretty Balloons

10/13/06 8:26 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • JUPITER, FL—Local teen Marisa Conroy was not sure why her time-travelling 50-year-old self urgently cautioned her not to buy the new Justin Timberlake album, FutureSex/LoveSounds, but she heeded the warning nonetheless.
  • CARSON CITY, NV—After embarking on his third vision quest in one month, Zach Feldman's animal spirit finally broke down and told him that he really needed to get himself a girlfriend.
  • GALLATIN, TN—Bumping into a co-worker in the office kitchenette for the fourth time in 20 minutes, file clerk Cole Davidson thought fast and adapted his customary raised-eyebrow expression to more of a knowing wince.
10/17/06 9:32 AM

Stock Watch

GWI

The ninth-largest supplier of stickers to four- to 12-year-olds in the U.S. recently underwent corporate restructuring and has promised investors that the company name will changed to something more specific by the second quarter of 2007.

10/11/06 6:35 AM
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