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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Scorpio: Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.

Editorial Cartoon

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Wednesday 10/25/06

American Voices

Catholic Church Must
Pay For Contraceptives

Black Man
"Telling women that I work for the Catholic Church is all the contraception I need."


More American Voices

10/25/06 5:38 AM

Onion Radio News

Area Man Only One Camaro Away From Having It All

 

More radio news

10/25/06 6:24 AM

Onion Magazine

Does Barack Obama Have What It Takes To Become The Lowest-Paid President In American History?

10/27/06 8:39 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • HOBOKEN, NJ—After murdering a handful of homeless people just for fun, serial killer Mike Johanns was offered a lucrative contract to take out another 50 hobos, learning in the process that when you do what you love, the money will follow.
  • DENVER, CO—Instead of calling Michelle to tell her what a wonderful time he had on their first date last night, Stuart Knoll decided to play it cool and never call her again.
  • KITTERY, ME—Even after spending 18 hours on Wikipedia, area resident Matt Alpert had to admit to himself that he was still nowhere near having a firm grasp on the continuity of the DC Comics Multiverse.
10/31/06 8:07 AM

Stock Watch

MBGS

Numerous funds have taken notice of this dry-goods distributor that groups dissimilar objects together with no apparent forethought.

10/25/06 11:44 AM

This Day In History

Stocks Invincible

Oct. 22, 1929

Stock Market Invincible

10/26/06 12:06 PM
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