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November 7, 2006 - November 13, 2006 | Issue 42•45

America's Cowboys Suffering From Restless Heart Syndrome

ATLANTA, GA—Officials from the Centers For Disease Control said Monday that preliminary results from a long-term study showed that the vast majority of America's cowboys suffer from Restless Heart Syndrome, a disorder categorized by deep pangs of yearning, usually following extended,...

Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections

issue 4245 | 11.07.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Landslide victories for politicians in all 50 states indicate that voters still tend to elect politicians over non-politicians. more»
Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks

issue 4245 | 11.07.06 | News

PLANO, TX—"Look at what you've reduced us to," said CEO Al Carey, as he disgustedly held up a bag of Cranberry Spinach Explosion... more»
Sexual Tension Unbearable Between 15-Year-Old, Rest Of World

issue 4245 | 11.06.06 | News

MELBOURNE, FL—A series of looks and non-looks from almost everyone he encounters on a daily basis has led Keith Ness to wonder if the feeling... more»
Rumsfeld: 'My Half-Assed Job Here Is Done'

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly six years of much-publicized service as Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld announced his resignation... more»
Voter Turnout Reaches All-Time Low Of 17

issue 4245 | 11.07.06 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Poll data indicates the 2006 mid-term elections were marked by the lowest turnout ever, with only 17 total votes cast. "Some... more»
Republicans Blame Election Losses On Democrats

issue 4245 | 11.07.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Republican officials are blaming tonight's GOP losses on Democrats, who they claim have engaged in a wide variety of... more»
Write-In Candidate Thought He Had Enough Friends To Win

issue 4245 | 11.07.06 | News In Brief

CUMBERLAND, WI—Small-business owner and colorful local character Dan "Daffy" Duckson's write-in campaign was defeated by a nearly... more»
Area Man Achieves Your Dream

issue 4245 | 11.07.06 | News In Brief

CHARLOTTE, NC—After almost two decades of dreaming on your part, 34-year-old Stephen Hochenko achieved your goal of opening up a small... more»
Impressive New Honda Inspires John Mellencamp To Write Song About Japan

issue 4245 | 11.06.06 | News In Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—The high quality and enduring value of the new 2007 Honda Accord has inspired roots-rock veteran John Mellencamp to write... more»
Laura Bush Suspects Anniversary Card Penned By Speech Writer

issue 4245 | 11.03.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Although first lady Laura Bush "very much appreciated" the wedding anniversary card she recently received from... more»
Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer To Rematch

issue 4245 | 11.09.06 | Sports News

AUSTIN, TX—Lance Armstrong, the ultra-competitive seven-time Tour de France champion who recently ran the New York Marathon in under three... more»
Microsoft Releases New Patch

issue 4245 | 11.14.06 | American Voices

Microsoft recently released a patch for a critical security flaw in its Explorer web browser. What do you think? more»
Ed Bradley Dies

issue 4245 | 11.13.06 | American Voices

60 Minutes correspondent Ed Bradley recently died. What do you think? more»
Ortega's Return to Nicaragua

issue 4245 | 11.10.06 | American Voices

Daniel Ortega, the one-time Sandanista leader, was just elected to president of Nicaragua. What do you think? more»
Evangelical Pastor Under Fire

issue 4245 | 11.09.06 | American Voices

After admitting that he received sexual favors and meth from a male prostitute, President of the National Association of Evangelicals Ted Haggard... more»
Hussein Sentenced To Death

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | American Voices

Saddam Hussein was found guilty and sentenced to death for crimes against humanity. What do you think? more»
Procrastinating Congressional Candidate Will Eventually Release Rival's Drug-Arrest Record

issue 4245 | 11.14.06 | Radio
98-Pound Weakling Opens Fire On Beachgoers

issue 4245 | 11.13.06 | Radio
Report: Sorry No Longer Cutting It

issue 4245 | 11.12.06 | Radio
Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid

issue 4245 | 11.11.06 | Radio
Democrats Unsure What To Do With Newly Acquired Power

issue 4245 | 11.10.06 | Radio
Britney Spears Lactates 2,000th Gallon

issue 4245 | 11.09.06 | Radio
U.S. Department Of Homeland Security Unveils National Evacuation Plan

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | Radio
Real-Life Pie-Fight Blinds Two

issue 4245 | 11.07.06 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - November 8, 2006

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | Editorial Cartoon
Mo’Nique Know She Look Good

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | News In Photos
Skywriter Trailed By Skyeditor

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | News In Photos
A Deal Of This Magnitude Only Comes To Television Once An Hour

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | Commentary

Hey! Are you tired of spending your hard-earned money on products that don't live up to their claims? Are your countertops... more»
I'd Make A Good Fat Guy

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | Commentary

I recently read somewhere that 64 percent of adult Americans are overweight or obese. And it got me to thinking: If I had to, not only could I... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | Horoscopes
Encouraging Abstinence For Adults

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | Infographic

The government recently expanded its abstinence-only message to include adults. They have used the following strategies to encourage men and... more»
What's Marked "SAVE!" On The Dry-Erase Board

issue 4245 | 11.08.06 | Statshot
"My Cousin Totally Works With Kate Hudson's Brother"

issue 4245 | 11.10.06 | Sunday Magazine
Nov. 9, 1960

issue 4245 | 11.09.06 | Onion In History

John F. Kennedy's Dad Defeats Nixon more»
Chipper Jones Credits Gold Glove To Open-Minded Kay Jewelers In Local Mall

issue 4245 | 11.09.06 | Photo Finish

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At the AV Club: Best Music Of The '00s