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This Week’s Horoscopes

Scorpio: Ever since you can remember, you've always been the curious sort, forever asking about the accident you were in, how many months have passed since, and when, if ever, your long-term memory will return.

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Updates: Wednesday 11/08/06

American Voices

Hussein Sentenced To Death

Old Woman
"I sure hope this doesn't lead to violence in Iraq."


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11/08/06 7:08 AM

Onion Radio News

Real-Life Pie-Fight Blinds Two

 

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11/07/06 11:21 AM

Onion Magazine

"My Cousin Totally Works With Kate Hudson's Brother"

11/10/06 5:37 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • PURCELL, OK—Author Tom Fergs woke up confident that today would be the day sales of his alternative history novel—the harrowing story of a world in which Ray Felt, not Greg Allsworth, had been elected Purcell Zoning Board Chairman—finally take off.
  • CORONADO, CA—Upon completing their Phase One training, members of SEAL Team 5 celebrated by using their skills to sneak into the Admiral Gentleman’s Club undetected and without paying the cover charge.
  • PASSAIC, NJ—Motorist Todd Irwin experienced a scare last week when his 235-horsepower 4x4 Jeep Grand Cherokee accidentally went off-road.
11/14/06 10:59 AM

Stock Watch

BIC

Exuberance followed the announcement of a product-placement deal for its super-fine "Bic Worthington" pen, which a character played by Steven Seagal will use in an upcoming film to stab an adversary in the sinus.

11/08/06 7:08 AM

This Day In History

John F. Kennedy's Dad Defeats Nixon

Nov. 9, 1960

John F. Kennedy's Dad Defeats Nixon

11/09/06 8:49 AM
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