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Scorpio: If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.

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Updates: Wednesday 11/15/06

American Voices

Cell-Phone Infertility

Old Woman
"But what if all your time on the phone is spent ordering bull hormones?"


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11/15/06 12:26 PM

Onion Radio News

Wet-T-Shirt Contest Runner-Up Consoled

 

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11/15/06 6:42 AM

Onion Magazine

"I Just Learned What The Holocaust Was, And Boy Do I Feel Silly"

11/17/06 11:09 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • STOWE, VT—After spending 10 days digging under his estranged grandparents’ funeral plot and buying drinks for wrinkly eccentrics, journalist Matt Cable reports it is “unlikely” that any dark secret holding this town together will be worth a hardcover run.
  • HARRISBURG, VA—Alice Olif found a new use for her old egg timer after learning that a new immigrant enters the United States every 11 seconds.
  • BLOOMINGTON, IN—Nearing the end of a heated game of Monopoly, Taylor Davis stopped short of purchasing his fourth railroad, realizing that nobody really takes cross-country trains these days.
11/21/06 8:15 AM

Stock Watch

MFCH

Despite the recent success of sports-entertainment ventures, characters like Sammy “The Stoic” Martinez and Kurt “Two Punches Are Plenty” Pengal have failed to catch on with viewers and increase revenue for this touring operation.

11/15/06 6:02 AM

This Day In History

Fixed World Series Heralds First-Ever Moment of Excitement In Baseball

Nov. 18, 1920

Fixed World Series Heralds First-Ever Moment of Excitement In Baseball

11/16/06 5:39 AM
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