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Spaniards Vow To Once Again Decimate Population Of New World

Spaniards Vow R MADRID—Seeking to reestablish Spain's global dominance after centuries of diminished empire, Spanish King Juan Carlos proclaimed yesterday his intention to unleash a mighty fighting force of conquistadores to reconquer, convert, enslave, and exploit the native populations of the Western...

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Scorpio: Your body will be so battered and bloodied that police investigators will suspect necrophiliacs of having carried out the rape.

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Updates: Wednesday 11/22/06

American Voices

Former KGB Spy Poisoned

 Old Woman
“Leave it to the Bond marketing team to really up the ante for opening weekend.”


More American Voices

11/22/06 11:28 AM

Onion Magazine

"I Went From Being Attacked By Mountain Lions To Being Eaten By Mountain Lions To Being Digested And Excreted By Mountain Lions"

11/24/06 5:00 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • WASHINGTON, DC—After 15 minutes and three trips around the block, Tony Roland finally worked up the nerve to go take a closer look at the attractive mannequins in the Benetton window.
  • FOLLANSBEE, WV—Having been alerted to the coming apocalypse at a recent church service, 6-year-old Julie Strand decided she needed to live for today and immediately stuck a peanut M & M up her left nostril.
  • WAYLAND, MI—Even though Randy Carlisle successfully placed Principal Ogilvy’s car on the roof of Wayland Junior High, students still withheld “legend” status for him since he pulled the prank 23 years after graduating from the school.
11/28/06 12:14 PM

Stock Watch

FUN

The fourth quarter outlook for this maker of recreational tar was upgraded as lower crude-oil prices make it easier for customers to remove older product from their faces and reapply a new coat.

11/22/06 7:13 AM

This Day In History

Betty Grable Appointed Head of U.S. Army Special Masturbation Fantasy Squad

Nov. 21, 1943

Betty Grable Appointed Head of U.S. Army Special Masturbation Fantasy Squad

11/23/06 5:32 AM
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