Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 22, 2006 - November 28, 2006 | Issue 42•47

New Mobile-Device Purchase Makes Asshole More Versatile

NEW YORK—Since acquiring his BlackBerry 8703c mobile device last month, asshole Robert McClain, 29, has reported vastly increased versatility, mobility, and off-site task-reassignment efficiency. The Credit Suisse executive and total shit claimed the new technology has opened more doors...

Spaniards Vow To Once Again Decimate Population Of New World

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | News

MADRID—"Heathen Indians: Prepare for hell on earth!" intoned King Juan Carlos to a slightly confused crowd of Madrid citizens. more»
Boxing Gym Gives Inner-City Youths An Opportunity To Punch Each Other Indoors

issue 4247 | 11.21.06 | News

BROOKLYN, NY—Troubled young men and women have used the gym to develop valuable punching skills they can use for the rest of their lives. more»
End-Life Crisis Marked By Extravagant Spending Spree

issue 4247 | 11.20.06 | News

TOLEDO, OH—The purchase of exorbitant liver transplants and defibrillators failed to quell 74-year-old Oscar Subitzky's end-life crisis. more»
Scavenger-Hunt Party 'Not Leaving Without Twine'

issue 4247 | 11.23.06 | News In Brief

PORTAGE, MI—A scavenger-hunt team dispatched to the Moorsbridge neighborhood continues to occupy the Dean and Nicole Mullikan residence,... more»
CNN Renews This Week At War For Next Eight Seasons

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—CNN officials announced that they will be carrying the popular news show This Week At War through the 2014 season.... more»
Killer Swears Girl Was In Two Pieces When He Left Her

issue 4247 | 11.21.06 | News In Brief

CORVALLIS, OR—Apprehended drifter Gary Lee Haynesworth strongly denied any involvement in the dismemberment and skinning of... more»
Theater Major Has Too Long Borne Shakespeare Teacher's Blunt Upbraidings, Bitter Scoffs

issue 4247 | 11.20.06 | News In Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University theater major Sandy Heckscher said Monday that she has been stretched to the limits of her endurance... more»
African Children Given 30,000 Unused 'Save Darfur' T-Shirts

issue 4247 | 11.17.06 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Citing poor U.S. sales, San Francisco-based Me Tees T-shirts announced Tuesday that nearly 30,000 of their... more»
Ohio State Defeats Michigan 42-39 In Ultimately Meaningless Game

issue 4247 | 11.23.06 | Sports News

COLUMBUS, OH—In what had been touted as a college-football matchup for the ages, the top-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes defeated the No. 2... more»
Wal-Mart Sales Disappointing

issue 4247 | 11.28.06 | American Voices

While post-Thanksgiving sales were up 6 percent from last year for most retailers, Wal-Mart's numbers fell below even their modest forecast. What... more»
Men Compulsive Shoppers, Too

issue 4247 | 11.27.06 | American Voices

A recent study claims that men are just as likely to be compulsive shoppers as women. What do you think? more»
Robert Altman Dead

issue 4247 | 11.24.06 | American Voices

Acclaimed director Robert Altman died this week. What do you think? more»
Americans Give Thanks

issue 4247 | 11.23.06 | American Voices

Today, Americans across the nation are celebrating Thanksgiving. What do you think? more»
Former KGB Spy Poisoned

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | American Voices

Alexander Litvinenko, a former Soviet spy and critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was hospitalized in London after being poisoned. What do... more»
Bully Sidekick Gets Spin-Off Beating Deal

issue 4247 | 11.28.06 | Radio
No One Stabbed Or Anything At Off-Campus Party

issue 4247 | 11.27.06 | Radio
Visiting Liberian Dignitary In No Hurry To Leave

issue 4247 | 11.26.06 | Radio
Man Surprised To Hear Himself Tell Matt Damon He's A 'Big Fan'

issue 4247 | 11.25.06 | Radio
Barack Obama Has Glimmer Of Hope Surgically Grafted To Left Eye

issue 4247 | 11.24.06 | Radio
Paranoid Optimist Thinks Everyone Is Out To Get Him A Present

issue 4247 | 11.23.06 | Radio
Guy On Megaphone Loves Amplified Sound Of Own Voice

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | Radio
Student Pulls All-Nighter For 'What Does Thanksgiving Mean To You' Assignment

issue 4247 | 11.21.06 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - November 22, 2006

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | Editorial Cartoon
Fat Kid Just Wants To Watch You Guys Play

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | News In Photos
Afghan Warlord Takes Anderson Cooper As 43rd Wife

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | News In Photos
I Was Placed On This Earth To Put Off Doing Something Extraordinary

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | Commentary

Ever since I was born three weeks overdue, it was clear that there was something different about me. However, it wasn't until I postponed... more»
People Always Hate Politicians Until They Need One

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | Commentary

I got into the legislation business only in order to tirelessly serve the good people of Kansas's 3rd District. But what do I get in return?... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | Horoscopes
Detecting Children's Drug Use

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | Infographic

A recent study suggests that parents are often unaware of their children's drug use. Here are some warning signs parents should look out... more»
Least Influential Special Interest Groups

issue 4247 | 11.22.06 | Statshot
The Police Blotter

issue 4247 | 11.28.06 | Slideshow
"I Went From Being Attacked By Mountain Lions To Being Eaten By Mountain Lions To Being Digested And Excreted By Mountain Lions"

issue 4247 | 11.24.06 | Sunday Magazine
Nov. 21, 1943

issue 4247 | 11.23.06 | Onion In History

Betty Grable Appointed Head of U.S. Army Special Masturbation Fantasy Squad more»
Doctors Use Elephant Gun, Tranquilizer Darts To Bring Shaq Down Prior To Surgery

issue 4247 | 11.23.06 | Photo Finish

At the AV Club: Best Music Of The '00s GA_googleFillSlot("100x12_avfocus");

From Our News Partners

The OnionConnect

Site Links

Email Dispatch

At the AV Club: Best Music Of The '00s