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December 6, 2006 - December 12, 2006 | Issue 42•49

Brash Young Floor Trader Trying To Rally Dow All By Self

NEW YORK—With the Dow Jones Industrial Average dipping below 12,200 at lunchtime today, floor trader Michael Campos, 24, is making an extraordinary personal effort to bring the index over the top before the closing bell later this afternoon. ..

Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia

issue 4249 | 12.06.06 | News

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—None of the blood that filled our streets nor the carnage that choked our cities could have prepared us for these pathetic... more»
Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic

issue 4249 | 12.05.06 | News

NEW YORK—A series of brightly colored and inoffensive ad campaigns will also target the key fuckbrain and asshat market segments. more»
Nancy Pelosi Wants Congress To Want To Pass Bill

issue 4249 | 12.04.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The newly elected Speaker of the House accused fellow congressmen of being "distant" and "merely placating" her. more»
Previously Unknown Prejudice Against Japanese Surfaces During Game Of Battleship

issue 4249 | 12.07.06 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—An otherwise unremarkable game of Battleship, the time-honored naval-themed contest of double-blind coordinate... more»
Report: Recent Wednesday Felt Like Thursday

issue 4249 | 12.06.06 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—An informal study of U.S. citizens has revealed that a recent Wednesday, specifically November 29, was intuitively and... more»
Philip Morris: 'Please Talk To Your Cooler Children About Cigarettes'

issue 4249 | 12.06.06 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Philip Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products in the United States, released the first in a series of... more»
Area Man Accidentally Responds To Own 'M4M' Ad

issue 4249 | 12.05.06 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—A Craigslist personal advertising a "Hot WM Looking 4 Same – 28" was accidentally responded to this Monday by its... more»
Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around

issue 4249 | 12.04.06 | News In Brief

VATICAN CITY—According to various cardinals and nuns attending the Vatican's holiday party last night, festivities were made awkward by... more»
Overpopulation Concerns Force U.S. To Reopen South Dakota

issue 4249 | 12.01.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne announced yesterday that, in order to deal with a growing population that... more»
BCS Determines No Team Worthy Of Facing Ohio State In Championship Game

issue 4249 | 12.07.06 | Sports News

COLUMBUS, OH—In what many BCS officials are citing as "proof that their flawless system indeed works," no Division 1-A college football team... more»
Chile's Pinochet Dead

issue 4249 | 12.12.06 | American Voices

Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died Sunday at 91. What do you think? more»
Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant

issue 4249 | 12.11.06 | American Voices

Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary is pregnant. What do you think? more»
Jen And Vince Split

issue 4249 | 12.08.06 | American Voices

People magazine reports that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. What do you think? more»
E. Coli At Taco Bell

issue 4249 | 12.07.06 | American Voices

At least 65 people in New York and New Jersey have fallen ill after eating at Taco Bell restaurants. What do you think? more»
Bolton Steps Down

issue 4249 | 12.06.06 | American Voices

John Bolton, the American delegate to the UN, will step down when the current term runs out. What do you think? more»
Clinton Finally Takes Responsibility For Bush Administration's Failures

issue 4249 | 12.12.06 | Radio
Peter Gallagher Voted Eyebrow Magazine's Man Of The Year

issue 4249 | 12.11.06 | Radio
Wheelchair-Bound Student Would Have Preferred To Sit Out Pep Rally

issue 4249 | 12.10.06 | Radio
Marine Never Knew What Freedom Was Until He Left The Marines

issue 4249 | 12.09.06 | Radio
Malaysian Siblings Angrily Divide Bedroom Into Twelfths

issue 4249 | 12.08.06 | Radio
Jesus Answers Half The Prayers At Roulette Table

issue 4249 | 12.07.06 | Radio
Babysitter Swaps Dead Child With Similar Child Before Parents Get Home

issue 4249 | 12.06.06 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - December 6, 2006

issue 4249 | 12.06.06 | Editorial Cartoon
Panasonic Introduces Portable 500-Disc Changer To Compete Against iPod

issue 4249 | 12.05.06 | News In Photos
Rookie Told To Ease Up On Crime-Scene Tape

issue 4249 | 12.05.06 | News In Photos
Today's Audiences Just Don't Get Me

issue 4249 | 12.05.06 | Commentary

What has happened to the comedy crowds these days? Can you tell me that? I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to connect at all with... more»
I'm Gonna Get Me A Wii If It Kills Me

issue 4249 | 12.05.06 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got a lot on my plate these days. Serious, it was a one-two punch... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4249 | 12.06.06 | Horoscopes
Iraq War Recommendations

issue 4249 | 12.06.06 | Infographic

The Baker Study Group recently released their report on new Iraq strategies. Here are the some of America's options for Iraq currently on... more»
Who's Sponsoring Us?

issue 4249 | 12.06.06 | Statshot
"I'm Totally Broke"

issue 4249 | 12.08.06 | Sunday Magazine
Dec. 10, 1936

issue 4249 | 12.07.06 | Onion In History

FDR Rummages Through Parents' House to 'See if There's Anything in There America Could Use' more»
Martin Gramatica Celebrates Game-Winning Field Goal With Self-Immolation

issue 4249 | 12.07.06 | Photo Finish

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