Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 13, 2006 - December 19, 2006 | Issue 42•50

Egyptian Conservationists Fight To Protect Dwindling Mummy Population

CAIRO—As the sun sets over Cairo, the streets are eerily quiet. Just a few years ago, the hillsides from Luxor to Giza would have been buzzing with the familiar sounds of tomb doors creaking open and bones snapping under the methodical shuffling of a slow, catatonic gait. But the telltale...

Dictator Slays Millions In Last-Minute Push To Be Time's Man Of The Year

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | News

RANGON, MYANMAR Although Than Shwe is considered a sadistic and merciless tyrant within the borders of Myanmar, his human-rights abuses have long... more»
Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!

issue 4250 | 12.12.06 | News

"And it wasn't just once either, my wee friend! Oh, what a naughty, prolific rascal you've been! Ho, ho, ho!" more»
Hero Man Dials 911

issue 4250 | 12.11.06 | News

NORCROSS, GA—"He must have somehow knocked the phone off the cradle," said his thankful wife. "I guess he just acted out of instinct." more»
Apocalypto Star Wants To Show He Can Do Mayan Comedy

issue 4250 | 12.14.06 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD—Actor Tee Dee Nae, star of Mel Gibson's new drama, Apocalypto, about the fall of the Mayan empire, told reporters... more»
Failed Attempt At Hyperbole Yields Dead-On Statistic

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | News In Brief

TOANO, VA—In an unsuccessful attempt Wednesday to illustrate a point through exaggeration, high-school senior Abby Hollard accurately... more»
Marine Hopes To Spend Second Tour Of Duty On Different Baghdad City Block

issue 4250 | 12.12.06 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—Lance Cpl. Rudy Coletto, a Marine on his first tour of duty in Baghdad's violence-wracked Tissa Nissan district, said he hopes to... more»
Discouraged Bush Begins Seeking Approval Of Other Nations

issue 4250 | 12.11.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—With public opinion sinking to an all-time low, a forlorn President Bush announced his intention Tuesday to "pack it in"... more»
Groom Getting Cold Feet About Bachelor Party

issue 4250 | 12.08.06 | News In Brief

WESTPORT, MA—Husband-to-be Matthew Reese experienced "second thoughts" Friday, just moments before attending the bachelor party his... more»
Nation Gears Up For Hockey's First Season Following Lockout

issue 4250 | 12.14.06 | Sports News

NEW YORK—As winter tightens its grip on the nation, hockey fans from coast to coast are breaking out their team sweaters for the first time... more»
Israelis Talk Nukes

issue 4250 | 12.15.06 | American Voices

Critics called for the resignation of Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert after he accidentally acknowledged for the first time that Israel had... more»
Annan Criticizes Bush

issue 4250 | 12.14.06 | American Voices

Former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan used his farewell address to criticize the Bush Administration for turning its back on human rights and... more»
Apocalypto Tops Box Office

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | American Voices

Mel Gibson’s Mayan action film Apocalypto was the big winner at the box office this weekend. What do you think? more»
Homeless Man Bestows God's Blessing On All Within Earshot

issue 4250 | 12.17.06 | Radio
Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator Running

issue 4250 | 12.16.06 | Radio
Return Letter From Santa Just A String Of Obscenities Directed At Elves

issue 4250 | 12.15.06 | Radio
Astronaut's Heart Just Not In This Mission

issue 4250 | 12.14.06 | Radio
Area Hunter Only Does It For The Jerky

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - December 13, 2006

issue 4250 | 12.12.06 | Editorial Cartoon
Senator's MySpace Top 8 All Corporations

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | News In Photos
Local Building Too Wheelchair-Friendly

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | News In Photos
How Did I End Up On The Cover Of This Romance Novel?

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | Commentary

Last week at the supermarket, while shopping for my weekly supply of three dozen eggs and 12 pounds of mutton, I spotted a rack near the... more»
The Last Thing America Needs Is Another President

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | Commentary

For as long as I can remember, this country has gotten itself all worked up every four years or so trying to pick just the right person to be... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | Horoscopes
New Sirius Radio Programs

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | Infographic

Sirius Satellite Radio has failed to meet its year-end subscriber expectations. Here are some new shows and channels Sirius is rolling out to... more»
Worst Product Slogans

issue 4250 | 12.13.06 | Statshot
World Leaders

issue 4250 | 12.12.06 | Slideshow
This Is Your Last Issue!

issue 4250 | 12.15.06 | Sunday Magazine
Dec. 29, 1987

issue 4250 | 12.14.06 | Onion In History

Reagan Proclaims 'Late Afternoon In America,' Takes Nap more»
Mike Modano: Is He The Tom Brady Of Whatever It Is He Does?

issue 4250 | 12.14.06 | Photo Finish