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January 24, 2007 - January 30, 2007 | Issue 43•04

Couple Brought Together Through Mutual Desperation

PARKER, CO—After years of unrelenting disappointment and failure on the dating scene, eligible singles Karen Ridenour and Paul Klein forged an instant, clinging bond last month through a mutual desperation born mainly out of an intense fear of...

Northeast Stunned By Freak January Snowfall

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | News

SYRACUSE, NY—"I've seen some freak weather, but this definitely tops them all," said area resident Mary Baloh, whose garden was slightly set... more»
Bush Rushing To Get Nation In Order Before Hu Jintao's Visit

issue 4304 | 01.22.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—"Goodness," said Bush, wiping his brow after swabbing agricultural runoff along the Ohio River. "How do people live in this... more»
Chanel Develops Durable, Low-Cost Perfume For Third World

issue 4304 | 01.23.07 | News

PARIS—"It is our belief that this fragrance will bring much-needed panache to the Third World," said Chanel CEO Maureen Chique, hoping to tap... more»
Inner-City Teacher Inspires Students To Stab Him

issue 4304 | 01.26.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—23-year-old Teach For America participant Jonathan Fitzsimmons remains in critical condition today at Cedars–Sinai... more»
Too Much Expected From Nap

issue 4304 | 01.25.07 | News In Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University sophomore Derek Sellars drastically overestimated the mental clarity, physical replenishment, and... more»
Distracted Priest Pronounces Couple 'Man And Plumbing Problem'

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—Father Gerald Reamer mistakenly pronounced groom Danny Colm and bride Rachael Hall "man and plumbing problem" during... more»
CIA Director Quietly Buys Nuclear-Attack Insurance

issue 4304 | 01.23.07 | News In Brief

BETHESDA, MD—According to sources at the Allstate Insurance Company, CIA Director Michael Hayden purchased nuclear-attack insurance... more»
Area Mom Disappointed No One Noticed Mastectomy

issue 4304 | 01.22.07 | News In Brief

LOUISVILLE, KY—Local resident Joanne Cobb, 43, was disappointed Monday when family members failed to comment on her new mastectomy,... more»
Bears Inspire A City Still Reeling From Great Chicago Fire Of 1871

issue 4304 | 01.25.07 | Sports News

CHICAGO—As Brian Urlacher triumphantly hoisted the George Halas Trophy Sunday, it was a symbol of more than just the Bears' 39-14 victory... more»
Israeli President Accused Of Rape

issue 4304 | 01.26.07 | American Voices

The Israeli parliament agreed to allow President Moshe Katsav to temporarily step down in order to fight possible rape charges. What do you... more»
Archiving The Unabomber

issue 4304 | 01.25.07 | American Voices

Theodore J. Kaczynski, aka the Unabomber, is fighting to reclaim 40,000 pages of his writings and correspondences so he can preserve them for... more»
State Of The Union

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | American Voices

The President delivered his State of the Union Address last night. What do you think? more»
Hillary in '08

issue 4304 | 01.23.07 | American Voices

Hillary Clinton announced that she will run for president in the 2008 election. What do you think? more»
First Womb Transplant Planned

issue 4304 | 01.22.07 | American Voices

A team of Manhattan doctors is planning the first-ever uterus transplant. What do you think? more»
35 Years Of Manhood Summoned To Open Tight Bottle-Cap

issue 4304 | 01.29.07 | Radio
Pawn-Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back

issue 4304 | 01.28.07 | Radio
14-Year-Old Girl Denied Pony Keg For Birthday

issue 4304 | 01.27.07 | Radio
Grown Woman Flirts At Grade-School Level

issue 4304 | 01.26.07 | Radio
Calendar Of Dead Child Still Good For 11 Months

issue 4304 | 01.25.07 | Radio
Speaker Pelosi To Impress Congress By Eating 50 Hard-Boiled Eggs

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | Radio
Coalition Of Hobos, Raccoons Collapses Over Meaty Bone

issue 4304 | 01.23.07 | Radio
Pretty, Stupid Actress To Turn Down Stupid, Pretty Roles

issue 4304 | 01.22.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - January 24, 2007

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Road Sign Over-Explains Highway's Dangers

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | News In Photos
Guinea Pig Returned For Store Credit

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | News In Photos
You Look Like You Could Use Someone To Talk To On This 5-Hour Bus Ride

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | Commentary

Do you mind if I move your coat? This happens to be my third-favorite seat on the bus. Numbers one and two are already taken. Those... more»
Today's Neo-Nazis Have No Respect For Tradition

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | Commentary

The other week, I read that the founder of the National Vanguard is in the clink for having child pornography in his computer. What is going... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | Horoscopes
Cancer Death Rate Dropping

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | Infographic

According to the American Cancer Society, cancer deaths are down for the second straight year. Here are some reasons why: more»
What Didn't Make It Into The Time Capsule?

issue 4304 | 01.24.07 | Statshot
U.S. Foreign Relations

issue 4304 | 01.23.07 | Slideshow
Is The American Media Running Out Of Fluff Pieces?

issue 4304 | 01.26.07 | Sunday Magazine
Michael Vick: 'That Wasn't Marijuana, This Is Marijuana'

issue 4304 | 01.25.07 | Photo Finish
Jan. 21, 1961

issue 4304 | 01.22.07 | Onion In History

Eisenhower Warns of Military-Industrial-Oedipal Complex more»

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