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February 14, 2007 - February 20, 2007 | Issue 43•07

Nation's Joggers Sick Of Finding Dead Bodies

CHICAGO—Citing the sobering statistic that over 10,000 of the 12,800 slayings in the United States in 2006 were reported by joggers, a national coalition of fitness enthusiasts called upon government officials Tuesday to impose measures that...

Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling Congress an "enemy of the state," the Bush Administration made it clear that it is not only severing ties to the... more»
Justin Timberlake Apathetically Crowned King Of Pop

issue 4307 | 02.13.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—With responses ranging from tepid acceptance to non-committal approval, Timberlake has ridden a massive wave of public indifference. more»
Doctor Trying To Get Unemployed Friend A Doctor Job

issue 4307 | 02.16.07 | News

ALBANY, NY—"We have plenty of doctor-types around here already," said Dr. Richard Grafton, who called his newly jobless friend a "fast learner." more»
Drunk Driver In The Zone

issue 4307 | 02.16.07 | News In Brief

STOUGHTON, WI—Alcoholic and car owner Jim Torkleson attributes his "best-ever" 11-mile, 0.14 blood-alcohol-content drunken drive home... more»
Hillary Clinton Inspires Young Girls To Form Presidential Exploratory Committees

issue 4307 | 02.15.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Sen. Hillary Clinton's (D–NY) preliminary announcement that she will seek the nation's highest office is having a... more»
Radical Islamic Extremists Snowboard Into U.S. Embassy

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—Extremist board-trick crew Al-J'Aqasse, the Middle East's most prominent Islamic radical snowboard posse, is taking full props... more»
Ping-Pong Rules Adjusted For Girlfriend

issue 4307 | 02.13.07 | News In Brief

EDEN PRARIE, MN—After having won three consecutive ping-pong matches by increasingly wide margins Saturday, David Richter, 27, adjusted... more»
Apple Hard At Work Making iPhone Obsolete

issue 4307 | 02.12.07 | News In Brief

CUPERTINO, CA—Only a month after the much-heralded announcement of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs confirmed that his engineers were... more»
John Amaechi Comes Out As Former NBA Player

issue 4307 | 02.15.07 | Sports News

STOCKPORT, ENGLAND—British homosexual John Amaechi sent shockwaves throughout the sporting world last week when he announced, much to the... more»
FBI Loses Laptops And Guns

issue 4307 | 02.16.07 | American Voices

According to a recent report, 160 laptops have been lost or stolen from the FBI, as well as 160 weapons. What do you think? more»
ESP Lab Closing

issue 4307 | 02.15.07 | American Voices

A Princeton University lab studying extrasensory perception (ESP) is closing. What do you think? more»
Harvard's First Female President

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | American Voices

Harvard University has selected its first female president. What do you think? more»
Franken Leaves Air America

issue 4307 | 02.13.07 | American Voices

Al Franken will be leaving the radio network Air America on February 14. What do you think? more»
Porn Viewed By Young

issue 4307 | 02.12.07 | American Voices

A study published by the journal Pediatrics says that nearly half of Internet-using children, ages 10 to 17, have seen pornographic images.... more»
Junior Executive Awarded Second-Place Trophy Wife

issue 4307 | 02.19.07 | Radio
Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station

issue 4307 | 02.18.07 | Radio
Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive

issue 4307 | 02.17.07 | Radio
Sleazy Website Will Link To Anything

issue 4307 | 02.16.07 | Radio
President Bush Sacrifices National Lamb

issue 4307 | 02.15.07 | Radio
Meat Shelf Breaks Free Of Iowa

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | Radio
Full-Time Mother Drinking On The Job Again

issue 4307 | 02.13.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - February 14, 2007

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Westminster Dog Show Finalists Form Elite Iditarod Team

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | News In Photos
Church Sign Vandalized By Satan

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | News In Photos
In College, I Marched Against Racism—And It Worked

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | Commentary

Is there no one out there who cares about changing the world anymore? What happened to the passion, the love, the determination to make a... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: This Man Obviously Has Substance Abuse Problems And No Capacity To Love vs. But You Love Him!

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | Point-Counterpoint

It is time to face facts: Your boyfriend has nothing to offer you. He is a mean drunk, a liar, a cheater, and an emotional drain. He... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | Horoscopes
Scooter Libby Trial

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | Infographic

Scooter Libby, former aide to Vice President Dick Cheney, is on trial for identifying CIA agent Valerie Plame to the press. Here are some... more»
How Did We Meet Our Significant Other?

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 | Statshot
Pop Stars

issue 4307 | 02.13.07 | Slideshow
Photo-Caption Issue

issue 4307 | 02.16.07 | Sunday Magazine
Ricky Rudd: 'I've Always Wanted To Be A Snicker'

issue 4307 | 02.15.07 | Photo Finish
Feb. 11, 1945

issue 4307 | 02.12.07 | Onion In History

FDR, Stalin, Churchill Meet For Mutton Luncheon, Nap more»
Used Book's Previous Owner Sure Bled A Lot

issue 4307 | 02.14.07 |
Narcoleptic Friend Shown Off

issue 4307 | 02.13.07 |