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February 21, 2007 - February 27, 2007 | Issue 43•08

Dane Cook Parlays New Burger King Menu Item Into Hour-Long HBO Special

LOS ANGELES—Building upon his previous Burger King–related work, comedian Dane Cook announced plans Monday to tape an hour-long HBO stand-up special devoted entirely to the Texas Double Whopper, the latest menu offering from the fast-food...

Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | News

NEW YORK—Supporters of the former mayor praised Giuliani for his "early and unwavering commitment" to 9/11 more»
Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imagination

issue 4308 | 02.20.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—"By constantly reminding kids that they're human children with no magical skills, you ensure that they will live a prolonged... more»
Former Editor Can't Believe Shit College Newspaper Is Printing

issue 4308 | 02.23.07 | News

NEW YORK—"It's clear the new people don't give a shit, and believe me, that kind of thing starts at the top," Troy Bartell said of the... more»
Temperature Of Coffee Expected To Rise Nine Degrees By End Of 21st Century

issue 4308 | 02.23.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Union of Concerned Dietitians stated that not only will the temperature of coffee increase by... more»
Rapture Wreaks Havoc On Local Book Club

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | News In Brief

MARION, IN—Following last week's rapture, which transported four members of the Millersville Mockingbirds Book Club to heaven in order to... more»
Ellen DeGeneres Prepares To Host Academy Awards By Spending Eight Hours A Day In Oscars Simulator

issue 4308 | 02.20.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Since the announcement that she will be hosting this year's Academy Awards, daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has reportedly... more»
Internal Affairs Investigator Disappointed Conspiracy Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top

issue 4308 | 02.19.07 | News In Brief

MILFORD, CT—Milford Police Department Internal Affairs investigator Sean Ferris was visibly dismayed Monday to learn that his probe into... more»
MLB No Longer Accepting New Players

issue 4308 | 02.22.07 | Sports News

MILWAUKEE—In a tersely worded press release Tuesday, Major League Baseball sent a strong message to the thousands of college, high-school,... more»
Prince Harry Going To Iraq

issue 4308 | 02.26.07 | American Voices

Prince Harry, the son of Prince Charles and Lady Diana, third in line to the throne of England, is being deployed to Iraq. What do you think? more»
202 Chemicals Linked To ADHD, Autism

issue 4308 | 02.23.07 | American Voices

Researchers have identified 202 industrial chemicals and compounds that may be linked to the rise in autism and ADHD. What do you think? more»
Bush Likens Terror War To U.S. Independence

issue 4308 | 02.22.07 | American Voices

In a speech at Mount Vernon, President Bush likened the war on terror to the Revolutionary War. What do you think? more»
XM, Sirius To Merge

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | American Voices

XM Satellite Radio Holdings Inc. and Sirius Satellite Radio announced a plan to merge the two companies. What do you think? more»
FDA Approves Laser Comb

issue 4308 | 02.20.07 | American Voices

The HairMax Lasercomb, a comb that purportedly promotes hair growth, was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you... more»
7,000 Iraqis U.S. Bound

issue 4308 | 02.19.07 | American Voices

The United States has agreed to admit 7,000 Iraqi refugees into the country. What do you think? more»
Woman With Amazing Rack Told She Has Beautiful Eyes

issue 4308 | 02.25.07 | Radio
Series Of Serial-Killer Killings Rocks Serial-Killer Community

issue 4308 | 02.24.07 | Radio
Dick Cheney Can't Get Enough New Hearts

issue 4308 | 02.23.07 | Radio
Angry Girlfriend Has Trouble Storming Out Of Rotating Restaurant

issue 4308 | 02.22.07 | Radio
Fight On Top Of Moving Train Not Looking Good For Area Villain

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | Radio
God Recalls Tracheas Of Millions Of Indonesians

issue 4308 | 02.20.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - February 21, 2007

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Postmodern Architect Unveils 7-Story Found-Art Object

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | News In Photos
Wrong Font Chosen For Gravestone

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | News In Photos
How Can I Go On With Life After Losing A Finger?

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | Commentary

When I came out of surgery after my car accident, I was overjoyed. I promised myself I would make the most of this second chance by living life... more»
Mr. Contractor, Tear Down This Wall!

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | Commentary

To all of you from Salemeyer & Sons assembled here today, I have a message: As we stand poised on the border of the kitchen and dining... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4308 | 02.20.07 | Horoscopes
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | Infographic

The 2007 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue was released this month. Here are some of its surprises: more»
Most Popular HDTV Programming

issue 4308 | 02.21.07 | Statshot
Children

issue 4308 | 02.20.07 | Slideshow
"I Was Suicidal And...Hey, Where Are You Going?"

issue 4308 | 02.23.07 | Sunday Magazine
Scottie Pippen Ready To Reclaim Position Of Ugliest Player In Basketball

issue 4308 | 02.22.07 | Photo Finish
Feb. 19, 1915

issue 4308 | 02.19.07 | Onion In History

Henry Ford Unveils New Line Of Anti-Semitic Autos more»
Anger-Bottling Factory Explodes

issue 4308 | 02.20.07 |
Per Diem Spent On 8-Pound Block Of Cheese

issue 4308 | 02.20.07 |