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March 2, 2007 - March 8, 2007 | Issue 43•09

Oscars Reveal Widening Gap Between Best, Worst Dressed

LOS ANGELES—This year's Academy Awards pre-ceremony red carpet display has analysts worried that the divide between the nation's best and worst dressed is only growing, forcing thousands to live well below the taste line while a...

Research Grant Blown Wooing Cute Research Assistant

issue 4309 | 03.02.07 | News

MISSOULA, MT—Professor Jim Neuthom's colleagues said they were suprised how many hot-air balloon rides and moonlit evenings were involved in... more»
Kindergartner Being Groomed For Line-Leader Position

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | News

BELLE MEADE, TN—Kindergarten teacher and mentor Mrs. Allen believes 6-year-old Gregory Hutter "has what it takes" for the coveted post. more»
Bumbling Ragtag Regiment Achieves Heartwarming Victory In Iraq

issue 4309 | 02.27.07 | News

BAGHDAD—"Gosh, we were so down on our luck from seeing our friends maimed or killed, we were ready to call it quits," Cpl. Ben Tanner, an awkward... more»
Anchor Ad-Libs News With 97 Percent Accuracy

issue 4309 | 03.02.07 | News In Brief

LINCOLN, NE—Veteran KLKN lead anchor Steve Hart, who has delivered over 5,000 newscasts for the ABC affiliate over 21 years, improvised... more»
Norah Jones Releases Debut Album For Third Time

issue 4309 | 03.01.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—With critics hailing its sound as "reminiscent of a young Norah Jones," Norah Jones' third album, Not Too Late, features... more»
Forensic Evidence Shows Signs Of Feeble Struggle

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | News In Brief

DES MOINES, IA—A report released by the Polk County Coroner's Office Tuesday concluded that local resident Brian Christopher, 24, died... more»
Viacom Demands YouTube Pull 400,000 Ex-TV Viewers From Its Site

issue 4309 | 02.27.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In a cease-and-desist letter sent to Google's attorneys last week, media conglomerate Viacom demanded that YouTube immediately... more»
U.S. Dollar Drops Against Counterfeit U.S. Dollar

issue 4309 | 02.25.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—At the close of trading Monday, the U.S. dollar dipped to a record low of $.60 against the counterfeit U.S. dollar, which... more»
Excited Red Sox Fans Eagerly Await Debut Of Matsuzaka's 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion'

issue 4309 | 03.01.07 | Sports News

BOSTON—Now that Manny Ramirez has reported to camp and the spring-training opener against Minnesota is in the books, Red Sox fans are... more»
Computer Crash Affects Dow Jones

issue 4309 | 03.02.07 | American Voices

A computer error fueled a panic at the already jittery New York Stock Exchange Tuesday, causing stocks to fall further. What do you think? more»
Cheney Nearly Bombed

issue 4309 | 03.01.07 | American Voices

At least nine people have died in a suicide bombing at a U.S. base in Afghanistan during Vice President Dick Cheney's stay. What do you think? more»
Sharpton, Thurmond: Related?

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | American Voices

The Rev. Al Sharpton wants his DNA tested agianst that of the late Senator Strom Thurmond to see if they are related. What do you think? more»
Teen-On-Homeless Violence Increases

issue 4309 | 02.27.07 | American Voices

A report issued by the National Coalition for the Homeless says there were more attacks against the homeless in 2006 than in the previous decade,... more»
73-Year-Old Hells Angel Beats Pension Out Of Benefits Manager

issue 4309 | 03.02.07 | Radio
Terror, Drugs, Poverty Redouble Efforts Against U.S.

issue 4309 | 03.01.07 | Radio
Fired Muscle Magazine Editor Will Arm Wrestle For Job

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | Radio
America's Peanut Farmers Launch Vicious Cashew Smear Campaign

issue 4309 | 02.27.07 | Radio
Senator Rewards Daughter With Classified Information

issue 4309 | 02.26.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - February 28, 2007

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Bill Clinton Waiting Until After Primaries To Endorse Candidate

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | News In Photos
Inanimate Object Despised

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | News In Photos
Peter O'Toole Objects To Being In Oscar Death Montage

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | News In Photos
Hanging Onto The Leg Of This Helicopter Is Harder Than It Looks

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | Commentary

Look, I know I'm the best, and no one in the terror-combat community has ever questioned my bravery. Not in 25 proud years of service. I'm a... more»
I Would Have Been Considered Very Attractive In The Middle Ages

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | Commentary

In today's grooming-obsessed world, I admit, I have some catching up to do. I'm certainly no feast for the eyes. I recognize this fact daily as... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | Horoscopes
Seacrest vs. Cowell

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | Infographic

Tensions between American Idol stars Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell are coming to a head. Here is a timeline detailing their past... more»
Viacom Departments Most Affected By Layoffs

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 | Statshot
Our Judicial System

issue 4309 | 02.27.07 | Slideshow
Sammy Sosa Arrives At Rangers Camp With Bag Of Steroids

issue 4309 | 03.01.07 | Photo Finish
Tim Hardaway: 'Sorry, Faggots'

issue 4309 | 03.01.07 | Photo Finish
Feb. 26, 1913

issue 4309 | 02.25.07 | Onion In History

Does America Suffer From A 'Zeppelin Gap'? more»
Casio Keyboard Used To Set Mood

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 |
Africa Not Told About Global Economy

issue 4309 | 02.28.07 |
Hour-Long Children's Show Halfheartedly Encourages Kids To Go Outside

issue 4309 | 02.27.07 |

Casio Keyboard Used To Set Mood

Africa Not Told About Global Economy

Hour-Long Children's Show Halfheartedly Encourages Kids To Go Outside

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