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March 7, 2007 - March 13, 2007 | Issue 43•10

Unreleased Jimmy Page Guitar Riff To Be Retrieved From Secret Vault To Save Rock And Roll

GWYNEDD, WALES—Calling it the planet's last, best hope for saving rock music, the Guardians of the Protectorate of Rock announced Monday that they would take the extraordinary step of unleashing...

Florida Man Beats Out Heart Disease As Nation's No. 1 Killer

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | News

ATLANTA—There are several warning signs of the onset of Wayne Ray Thomas, including intense anxiety, sweating, and a sudden loss of power to... more»
Apple Unveils New Product-Unveiling Product

issue 4310 | 03.06.07 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—Apple claims the iLaunch can garner the same amount of press attention as a major scientific discovery, high court ruling,... more»
Specters Of Dental Hygienists Past Haunt Convention Center

issue 4310 | 03.09.07 | News

SPOKANE, WA—"Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman in a pastel outfit, but when I turned to look at her, she was gone," hotel guest Linda... more»
Man Who Plays Devil's Advocate Really Just Wants To Be Asshole

issue 4310 | 03.09.07 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, MO—Though area graphic designer Derek Sills says he plays devil's advocate to help his friends better understand opinions... more»
Family Infighting Apparent In Funeral Guest Book

issue 4310 | 03.08.07 | News In Brief

NEWTON, GA—More than 60 years of strife and infighting among the Horton family reportedly surfaced Monday in the funeral guest book for... more»
Jeopardy! Viewer Had No Idea He Knew So Much About Weasels

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | News In Brief

MILTON, MA—Longtime Jeopardy! fan Brian Kalorcz surprised himself Tuesday when a category on the popular game show revealed that... more»
Condoleezza Rice Drives Halfway To Airport Before Realizing She Forgot Interpreter

issue 4310 | 03.06.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Just 15 minutes away from Dulles International Airport yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reportedly shouted... more»
High School Student Council Passes Nonbinding Resolution

issue 4310 | 03.05.07 | News In Brief

BARSTOW, CA—In a move intended to send an "unmistakably clear message" to Barstow County High School Principal Robert McCluskey, the... more»
NHL Signs Broadcast Deal With Food Network

issue 4310 | 03.08.07 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Flanked by Food Network president Brooke Johnson and cooking-show host Rachael Ray, Commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday... more»
Captain America Killed

issue 4310 | 03.09.07 | American Voices

Captain America, the comic book character created during World War II as a patriotic opponent of the Nazis, was killed by sniper bullets in a... more»
Venezuelans Flee to Florida

issue 4310 | 03.08.07 | American Voices

Wealthy Venezuelans are leaving their home country for Florida in order to escape the economic policies of President Hugo Chavez. What do... more»
Honeybees Dying Mysteriously

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | American Voices

American honeybees are being wiped out in record numbers by a mysterious illness. What do you think? more»
Walter Reed Head Fired

issue 4310 | 03.06.07 | American Voices

Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced last week that Francis J. Harvey, the head of Walter Reed Army Medical Center, which is under... more»
Harry Potter Nude

issue 4310 | 03.05.07 | American Voices

Actor Daniel Radcliffe, best known for his role as Harry Potter in the same-titled film series is appearing in a London production of the play... more»
Water Park Promises More Fun Than Water Capable Of Delivering

issue 4310 | 03.12.07 | Radio
ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year

issue 4310 | 03.11.07 | Radio
Mall Of Central America Looted On Opening Day

issue 4310 | 03.10.07 | Radio
New Couch Practically Begging To Be Puked On

issue 4310 | 03.09.07 | Radio
Desperate Drug Addict Driven To Get Job

issue 4310 | 03.08.07 | Radio
Afghanistan Handed Over To Robots

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | Radio
Romantic Evening Squandered On Wife

issue 4310 | 03.06.07 | Radio
Abstinence-Only Education Ruined By Trip To Zoo

issue 4310 | 03.05.07 | Radio
Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That

issue 4310 | 03.04.07 | Radio
Zambia Tired Of Being Mentioned In 'News Of The Weird' Section

issue 4310 | 03.03.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - March 7, 2007

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Cinzano Poster Brings Touch Of Class To Shithole

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | News In Photos
Depressed Wolf Blitzer Locks Self In Situation Room

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | News In Photos
I Don't Want Health Care If Just Anyone Can Have It

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | Commentary

As a concerned citizen, I must voice my adamant disapproval of the "universal health care" proposals we've been hearing so much about. I... more»
Any Friend Of Yours Is A Potential Girlfriend Of Mine

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | Commentary

You know that you're my man. For real. We've been through a lot together, and I know that you're good people. Likewise, you hang with good... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4310 | 03.08.07 | Horoscopes
Your Horoscope

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | Horoscopes
State Apologies

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | Infographic

The Commonwealth of Virginia recently apologized for slavery. Taking Virginia's lead, here are some other past transgressions states have... more»
What Are We Developing Antibodies To?

issue 4310 | 03.07.07 | Statshot
Great TV Moments

issue 4310 | 03.06.07 | Slideshow
Could This Asteriod Solve Global Warming, Iraq And Poverty?

issue 4310 | 03.09.07 | Sunday Magazine
Peyton Manning Shows Up Five Months Early For Training Camp

issue 4310 | 03.08.07 | Photo Finish
Mar. 5, 1933

issue 4310 | 03.05.07 | Onion In History

New President Assures Nation, 'The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is A Crippling, Decade-Long Depression' more»
Man By Dartboard Has Next

issue 4310 | 03.06.07 |
Hotel Guest Taking Full Advantage Of Free Electricity

issue 4310 | 03.06.07 |

Man By Dartboard Has Next

Hotel Guest Taking Full Advantage Of Free Electricity

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