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March 16, 2007 - March 22, 2007 | Issue 43•11

Area Pagan Dreading Big Family Vernal Equinox Celebration

MEDFORD, OR—Despite evidence that the planets are aligned in his favor, local pagan Jeff Birch, 27, said Monday that he would "rather have a peaceful weekend at home" than attend his family's Vernal Equinox celebration on March 21. "I realize it's supposed to be a festive time of conception and new growth in the womb of Mother Earth and all," Birch said. "But I just know that...

College Senior Hopes To Turn Love Of Data Entry Into Career

issue 4311 | 03.16.07 | News

BETHESDA, MD—"When you love archiving information as much as I do, you take risks," said Lisa Milch, who hopes her passion for data will... more»
Hillary Clinton Tries To Woo Voters By Rescinding Candidacy

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | News

DES MOINES, IA—"For the first time, she's really speaking to the whole nation," said pundit Chris Matthews about Hillary Clinton's latest bid... more»
Actress' Abortion Written Into TV Show

issue 4311 | 03.13.07 | News

CULVER CITY, CA—Producers considered shooting around the abortion and using lighting tricks and strategically placed plants to cover up her... more»
Fat Guy Mistakenly Thought Of As Strong

issue 4311 | 03.16.07 | News In Brief

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Due to his sheer mass, Derek "Moose" Glass, 26, is considered by his friends and relatives to be "stronger than an... more»
Bono Outbids Everyone At Charity Auction For Bono-Autographed Guitar

issue 4311 | 03.15.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—During a Keep A Child Alive charity auction last Friday, U2 frontman Bono paid $575,000 for a guitar signed by the Irish... more»
Father Not Letting Firstborn Repeat Mistakes He Made As Nine-Month-Old

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | News In Brief

NAPERVILLE, IL—Citing a desire to ensure that his nine-month-old son, Jason, stays on the right path, Bill Yardley told reporters... more»
White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence

issue 4311 | 03.13.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a need for heightened national security measures, President Bush had eight inches added to the 12-foot fence... more»
Heavily Processed Food Makes Pathetic Nutritional Claims

issue 4311 | 03.12.07 | News In Brief

59535CHATTANOOGA, TN—In a move that industry observers are already calling desperate, McKee Foods today unveiled new packaging for... more»
Conspiracy Theorists Insist Barbaro Still Alive

issue 4311 | 03.15.07 | Sports News

WEST GROVE, PA—Rumors and speculation that beloved racehorse Barbaro faked his own death last January in order to start a new life out of... more»
General Calls Homosexuality 'Immoral'

issue 4311 | 03.16.07 | American Voices

Marine General Peter Pace, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told the Chicago Tribune that he considered homosexuality "immoral."... more»
Starbucks Starts Music Label

issue 4311 | 03.15.07 | American Voices

Starbucks, the dominant retail coffee chain in the United States, has started its own label, hear music. What do you think? more»
Call For Gonzales's Resignation

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | American Voices

Following a recent disclosure that the FBI has abused its powers to spy on private citizens, some Democratic senators and a key Republican are... more»
Daylight Saving Time Earlier

issue 4311 | 03.13.07 | American Voices

Daylight Saving Time went into effect this past weekend, three weeks earlier than usual. What do you think? more»
Caffeinated Donut Invented

issue 4311 | 03.12.07 | American Voices

Molecular biologist Robert Bohannon has created pastries with the caffeine equivalent of two cups of coffee. What do you think? more»
Area Bedroom Has That Weird Jeff Smell, Housemates Report

issue 4311 | 03.18.07 | Radio
Sen. Orrin Hatch Mistakenly Left Dangling In Bondage-Fetish Dungeon

issue 4311 | 03.17.07 | Radio
Google Steps In To Help U.S. With Google Navy

issue 4311 | 03.16.07 | Radio
Furniture Store Owner Assumed Family Would Be In Commercials For Free

issue 4311 | 03.15.07 | Radio
Kerry Blasts Bush's Breakfast Plan

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | Radio
Area Dad Swaggers Proudly Around House After Killing Intruder

issue 4311 | 03.13.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - March 14, 2007

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Dying Baboon Pretty Low On Heart-Transplant List

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | News In Photos
Rest Of Kickline Out Sick

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | News In Photos
Darling, We'll Always Have Minneapolis/St. Paul

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | Commentary

Listen, little lady, the truth is, I'm no good at goodbyes. You probably know that better than anyone. But now is no time for tears, Brianne. If... more»
We Have New Intelligence Regarding The Identity Of The Counter-Spy Within The Department

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | Columnists

Welcome, gentlemen. Please, make yourselves comfortable. I'm afraid Mei-Ling is picking out china patterns or planning a bridal shower or... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | Horoscopes
The Secret

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | Infographic

The Secret—the new self-help book and DVD that purports to channel ancient wisdom and claims that if you ask the universe for... more»
Where Our United Way Contributions Really Go

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | Statshot
Onion News Network Promo

issue 4311 | 03.14.07 | Video

TV news where you want it — on your computer more»
Religion

issue 4311 | 03.13.07 | Slideshow
Are America's Zoos Coddling Animals?

issue 4311 | 03.16.07 | Sunday Magazine
Mark Cuban Grows Huge Beard To Spite David Stern

issue 4311 | 03.15.07 | Photo Finish
March 14, 1945

issue 4311 | 03.12.07 | Onion In History

Our First Lesbian President more»
Binge Eater Doesn't Even Remember Going To Second KFC

issue 4311 | 03.13.07 |
Gated Community Adds Moat

issue 4311 | 03.13.07 |
Cindy Lou Who Asks Why We're Invading Iraq

issue 4311 | 03.09.07 |