Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 28, 2007 - April 3, 2007 | Issue 43•13

Anna Nicole Smith Finally Reaches Target Weight

NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Former stripper turned Playboy Playmate turned reality-TV star Anna Nicole Smith has overcome her longtime struggle with obesity, at last reaching her target...

Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Question Intended For Bush

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Agent Anthony Panucci dives in between the president and a hostile reporter. more»
New Disney Ride Simulates Disney–ABC Merger

issue 4313 | 03.30.07 | News

ORLANDO, FL—"The [boardroom] shake-up was really scary, but I still want to go again!" said 10-year-old Tyler James, admitting that he felt a... more»
Alternative Spring Break Devolves Into Real Spring Break

issue 4313 | 03.27.07 | News

BILOXI, MS—Rebuilding is now even further behind schedule, with some houses requiring extensive repainting after being covered in volunteers'... more»
Climatologists Secure Funding To Breed Glaciers In Captivity

issue 4313 | 03.30.07 | News In Brief

FAIRBANKS, AK—Researchers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration received a $42 million federal grant for a... more»
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses To Confessing Under Torture

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | News In Brief

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the alleged 9/11 mastermind who recently admitted to murdering journalist Daniel Pearl... more»
Friend Who's Into Politics Makes You Feel Stupid Again

issue 4313 | 03.27.07 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Nate Carney, 28, your well-read, politically minded friend of eight years, made you feel ignorant again Tuesday with his... more»
Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed

issue 4313 | 03.26.07 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—Many injured U.S. troops are actively lobbying for an additional six months of combat duty in Iraq to avoid returning to the... more»
NASCAR Unveils New 'Car Of Yesterday'

issue 4313 | 03.29.07 | Sports News

CHARLOTTE, NC—Only days after its long-anticipated, much-criticized Car of Tomorrow debuted to overwhelmingly negative reviews at the... more»
Burger King Going Cageless

issue 4313 | 03.30.07 | American Voices

Burger King announced that it would begin buying pork and eggs from farms that do not cage or crate their animals. What do you think? more»
Misbehavior Linked To Day Care

issue 4313 | 03.29.07 | American Voices

A recent study showed that children who attended day care for a year or longer were more likely to be disruptive in grade school. What do... more»
Edwards Discourages Sympathy Vote

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | American Voices

Presidential contender John Edwards said that he does not want people to support him just because his wife has cancer. What do you think? more»
Online Porn Law Struck Down

issue 4313 | 03.27.07 | American Voices

Citing First Amendment concerns, Senior U.S. District Judge Lowell Reed Jr. struck down a law that made it illegal for adult-content providers to... more»
Chiquita Paid Colombian Terrorists

issue 4313 | 03.26.07 | American Voices

Chiquita Brands International, Inc. has agreed to plead guilty to charges that the company made payments to Colombian groups designated as... more»
Wendy's New Homestyle Chicken Strip Salad Shamelessly Touted

issue 4313 | 04.01.07 | Radio
John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian

issue 4313 | 03.31.07 | Radio
Beached Whale Flashed Repeatedly By Coeds On Spring Break

issue 4313 | 03.30.07 | Radio
Woman's Actual Orgasm Fails To Convince Local Man

issue 4313 | 03.29.07 | Radio
Tony Snow Deftly Sidesteps Topic Of Own Sanity

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | Radio
Winner Of Lifetime Supply Of Scope Gargles Fool Head Off

issue 4313 | 03.27.07 | Radio
Final McNugget Savored

issue 4313 | 03.26.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - March 28, 2007

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Staples Adds 'Staff Picks' Section

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | News In Photos
7-Year-Old Transfers Friend's Obituary Onto Silly Putty For Posterity

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | News In Photos
Ain't Nobody Telling Me What My Baby Allergic To

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | Commentary

So yesterday some bitch nurse at the clinic was wasting my time trying to tell me my baby Liondrae all allergic to penicillin or some shit.... more»
I'm Prepared To Give My Life For This Or Any Country

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | Commentary

As a true patriot, I would gladly die in battle defending my homeland. I love my country more than my own life. But I would also be more... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | Horoscopes
Private Space Flight

issue 4313 | 03.27.07 | Infographic

Space Exploration Technologies, the company created by PayPal cofounder Elon Musk, recently launched a rocket that stalled before reaching... more»
What's Bringing Shame To Our Hometowns?

issue 4313 | 03.28.07 | Statshot
Condoleezza Rice To Voyage East

issue 4313 | 01.02.08 | Video

The State Department releases details of Rice's upcoming diplomatic journey. more»
In The Know: Our Troops In Iraq

issue 4313 | 03.27.07 | Video

The nation's oldest and most respected news analysis program hosted by Clifford Banes, the nation's oldest and most respected newsman. more»
The Basket-ball

issue 4313 | 03.27.07 | Slideshow
Who's Fucking Scarlett Johansson Right Now?

issue 4313 | 03.30.07 | Sunday Magazine
Greg Oden On Final Four Appearance: 'I'm Happier Than I've Been In 30 Years'

issue 4313 | 03.29.07 | Photo Finish
Mar. 28, 1983

issue 4313 | 03.26.07 | Onion In History

Nancy Reagan Ends Nation's Drug Problem with Very Special Diff'rent Strokes Appearance more»
5 Words Of Newspaper Read

issue 4313 | 03.26.07 |
Hybrid Car Owner Glad You Asked

issue 4313 | 03.26.07 |