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April 4, 2007 - April 10, 2007 | Issue 43•14

'Most E-Mailed' List Tearing New York Times' Newsroom Apart

NEW YORK—A feature on the New York Times' website that lists the stories most e-mailed by readers is destroying morale and escalating tensions among the once-dignified...

Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | News

HEAVEN—Since His birthday last Dec. 25, the Lamb of God has committed Himself to a demanding regimen of exercise and prophecy-fulfillment in... more»
Area Man Just Wants To Throw One Good Punch In His Life

issue 4314 | 04.06.07 | News

SACRAMENTO, CA—"I want to make a guy's head snap back like in the movies," said local resident Carl Hilland, who hopes to one day... more»
Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister

issue 4314 | 04.02.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—"I stuffed it in here for a reason, and to remove it now would mean giving up on everything we believe in," Bush said... more»
Strip Poker Ends Solemnly With Scar Explanation

issue 4314 | 04.06.07 | News In Brief

CONRAD, MT—The laughter and giddy sexual tension that typically accompanies a game of strip poker ended abruptly Monday after player... more»
High School Production Of Our Town Features Line Memorization

issue 4314 | 04.05.07 | News In Brief

MORGANTOWN, WV—Surprised audience members reported Sunday that Morgantown High School's production of Thornton Wilder's Pulitzer... more»
Area Man Has Sex With Man To Get Out Of Office Blood Drive

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | News In Brief

ABBEVILLE, GA—In an effort to devise a plausible reason to excuse himself from an office-wide blood donation drive this Friday,... more»
Senator Forms Subcommittee For The Watching Of Lost

issue 4314 | 04.03.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL) announced the formation of a new Senate subcommittee for the Watching of Lost and... more»
New SAT Section Tests Ability To Pay Tuition

issue 4314 | 04.02.07 | News In Brief

PRINCETON, NJ—The Educational Testing Service, developer of the Scholastic Aptitude Test, is creating a new section on the... more»
NCAA Tournament Intensifies As Florida Advances To Round Of One

issue 4314 | 04.05.07 | Sports News

ATLANTA—The NCAA tournament field narrowed a little further—and became much more intense—on Monday night as the University of... more»
Iran Releases British Sailors

issue 4314 | 04.06.07 | American Voices

Iran released 15 sailors it had held captive for nearly two weeks, claiming they had entered Iranian waters. What do you think? more»
Argentina Reclaiming Falklands

issue 4314 | 04.05.07 | American Voices

Argentina is reasserting its claim to the Falkland Islands from England. What do you think? more»
Naked Chocolate Jesus Nixed

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | American Voices

A Manhattan art gallery scrapped its plans to exhibit a naked chocolate Jesus in the week preceding Easter, causing the gallery's artistic director... more»
Hillary Raises $26 M

issue 4314 | 04.03.07 | American Voices

Hillary Clinton raised $26 million for the first quarter of 2007, in addition to the $10 million left over from her Senate run. What do you... more»
U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV

issue 4314 | 04.02.07 | American Voices

Citing studies that say that circumcision can cut the chances of contracting HIV by up to 60 percent, United Nations health agencies are urging... more»
America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag

issue 4314 | 04.08.07 | Radio
Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House

issue 4314 | 04.07.07 | Radio
Viking God Odin Down To Last 4 Worshippers

issue 4314 | 04.06.07 | Radio
Binge Eater Doesn't Even Remember Entering Fourth KFC

issue 4314 | 04.05.07 | Radio
Charades Player Dying Up There

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | Radio
Iraqi Insurgent Takes Day Off To Do Some Personal Killing

issue 4314 | 04.03.07 | Radio
Elderly Woman Can't Get Over Your Child's Hair

issue 4314 | 04.02.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - April 4, 2007

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Freshness Escaping From Bag Of Peas

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | News In Photos
Scarface Onesie Social Worker's First Tip-Off

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | News In Photos
In The Ten Commandments, I Performed All My Own Miracles

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | Commentary

Whenever people talk about The Ten Commandments, a film I made 50 years ago with a fellow named Cecil B. DeMille, they go on and on... more»
There's Only Room At This Party For One Guy Named Skeeter

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | Commentary

Hey, you. In the hat. I just heard some dudes calling you Skeeter, and I saw you respond to them. That's some bullshit. As soon and you and me... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | Horoscopes
Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | Infographic

Recently, there has been a rash of incidents wherein ordinary people are being denied services, such as flights or car rentals, because they... more»
Least Popular Sound Bites

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 | Statshot
A Friend's Cancer: Good For Your Health?

issue 4314 | 04.03.07 | Video

A new study finds that having sick friends may improve your physique. more»
Health & Fitness

issue 4314 | 04.03.07 | Slideshow
Turning Your Spare Time Into Work Time

issue 4314 | 04.06.07 | Sunday Magazine
Nation's 65th-Best College Basketball Team Also Given Trophy

issue 4314 | 04.05.07 | Photo Finish
April 4, 1965

issue 4314 | 04.02.07 | Onion In History

One Million Teen-Age Girls Stricken In Beatlenemia Epidemic more»
Sensitivity Training Seminar Retarded

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 |
Mother Keeps Deceased Son's MySpace Just As He Left It

issue 4314 | 04.04.07 |