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April 11, 2007 - April 17, 2007 | Issue 43•15

Democrats Demand Inquiry Into How They're Doing So Far

WASHINGTON, DC—Democrats in both houses of Congress demanded a thorough inquiry Monday into whether or not the American people think they are doing a good enough job, and what, if anything, they...

U.S. Counter-Counterterrorism Unit Successfully Destroys Washington Monument

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—"Now it can never be destroyed by terrorists," said DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff, pointing to the blackened stump of... more»
Majority Of Parents Abuse Children, Children Report

issue 4315 | 04.13.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—"My parents force me to finish my math homework before letting me watch TV," admitted "Derek," 10, a study participant and abuse... more»
Roomba Violates All Three Laws Of Roombotics

issue 4315 | 04.14.07 | News

CHARLOTTE, NC—While the Roomba is only programmed to vacuum, its owner, 35-year-old claims adjuster Ken Graney now fears it may have taught... more»
Eulogy Filled With Pro-Christian Propaganda

issue 4315 | 04.13.07 | News In Brief

SCHENECTADY, NY—Friends and loved ones of deceased community leader Bob Liddell alleged Monday that the occasion of his passing was... more»
Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time

issue 4315 | 04.12.07 | News In Brief

RICHMOND, VA—Trent Wilson, an executive brand strategist for the R&W Agency, characterized his company's staff-wide meeting Monday... more»
Men, Boys Separated

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | News In Brief

CORNING, KS—The male population of a Kansas town was effectively separated into categorically distinct groupings by displaying either... more»
U.S. Asks Africa Not To Cash Aid Checks Until After Tax Day

issue 4315 | 04.10.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr. urged leaders of all African nations receiving U.S. aid to "hold off" on... more»
10 Million Fans Killed Off In Sopranos Season Premiere

issue 4315 | 04.09.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The writers of the HBO series The Sopranos took another daring storytelling step by killing off 10 million fans during... more»
Tiger Woods Reveals He Is Zach Johnson

issue 4315 | 04.12.07 | Sports News

AUGUSTA, GA—World No. 1-ranked golfer Tiger Woods, after appearing to struggle through the weekend—playing with uncharacteristic... more»
Kurt Vonnegut Dead

issue 4315 | 04.13.07 | American Voices

Kurt Vonnegut, author of The Sirens of Titan and Slaughterhouse-Five, died late Wednesday evening of head injuries sustained in a... more»
China Bans Human Organ Trafficking

issue 4315 | 04.12.07 | American Voices

Amid allegations that they are harvesting the organs of executed prisoners, China is banning the sale of human organs starting May 1. What do... more»
Imus Suspended For 2 Weeks

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | American Voices

After radio host Don Imus referred to the Rutgers University women's basketball team as "nappy-headed hos" on his radio show, CBS suspended him for... more»
Girls Gone Wild Creator Ordered To Jail

issue 4315 | 04.10.07 | American Voices

Joe Francis, the man who created the Girls Gone Wild home-video franchise, has been ordered to jail for failing to appear in court for a hearing.... more»
Circuit City Cuts 3,400 "Overpaid" Workers

issue 4315 | 04.09.07 | American Voices

Electronics retailer Circuit City recently fired over 3,400 workers, stating that they were going to replace them with new hires willing to work... more»
Brave Actor Does Own Publicity Stunts

issue 4315 | 04.16.07 | Radio
Grocery-Store Worker Can No Longer Bear To Eat Food

issue 4315 | 04.15.07 | Radio
Deadbeat Dads March On Las Vegas

issue 4315 | 04.14.07 | Radio
Suicide Delayed By Discovery Of Mini-Snickers

issue 4315 | 04.13.07 | Radio
Sea Monkeys Claimed As Dependents

issue 4315 | 04.12.07 | Radio
Cheney Spends 2-Week Vacation Lying Motionless In Open Grave

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | Radio
Area Eccentric Leaves Behind Estate Worth 20 Million Golf Balls

issue 4315 | 04.10.07 | Radio
Spelling-Bee Winner Fails To Spell Way Out Of Schoolyard Beating

issue 4315 | 04.09.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - April 13, 2007

issue 4315 | 04.13.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Fatal School Bus Crash Cements BFF Status

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | News In Photos
Suri Cruise Somehow Already 11

issue 4315 | 04.10.07 | News In Photos
The Sibley Guide To Birds Has Clearly Misidentified The Dark-Eyed Junco

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | Commentary

I don't understand it. How could it have happened a third time? They've had two opportunities to correct it. But there it is, once again.... more»
I Never Talk On The First Date

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | Commentary

People are so impatient nowadays. Everyone's rushing to find someone, get married, settle down, and have kids. Call me old- fashioned, but I... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | Horoscopes
Mammograms

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | Infographic

With the highly publicized return of Elizabeth Edwards' breast cancer, American women are being encouraged to take the precautions necessary... more»
Where Are We Seeing The Virgin Mary?

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 | Statshot
Parents

issue 4315 | 04.10.07 | Slideshow
Finding A Religion That Doesn't Disrupt Your Current Lifestyle

issue 4315 | 04.13.07 | Sunday Magazine
A-Rod Booed For Confusing Yankee Fans

issue 4315 | 04.12.07 | Photo Finish
April 9, 1942

issue 4315 | 04.09.07 | Onion In History

San Francisco Grocer Henry Nakamura Chief Suspect in Pearl Harbor Bombing more»
Role Model Slept With

issue 4315 | 04.11.07 |
Babysitter Hoping Family Not Keeping Track Of Fudgesicles

issue 4315 | 04.10.07 |