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April 18, 2007 - April 24, 2007 | Issue 43•16

McCain To Send Self Back To Vietnamese POW Camp To Revitalize Campaign

PHOENIX, AZ—In what insiders say is an attempt to revitalize his flagging campaign and convince voters that he is still a straight-talking maverick, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) announced Sunday that...

Unemployed Scientists Prove Dog Likes Beer

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | News

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After carefully scrutinizing the data and witnessing a replication of the experiment, researchers concluded the dog really... more»
This American Life Completes Documentation Of Liberal, Upper-Middle-Class Existence

issue 4316 | 04.20.07 | News

CHICAGO—Producers have documented every single existential crisis or self-congratulatory epiphany that has been or could be experienced by a... more»
Street Evangelist Saves 300 Souls From Enjoying Park

issue 4316 | 04.21.07 | News

SAN FRANSISCO—"All of you will burn in hellfire, so sayeth the Lord," said open-air preacher "Brother Sam" Hinson to a stroller-bound toddler... more»
Love Letter Made Longer By Increasing Margins

issue 4316 | 04.20.07 | News In Brief

CRYSTAL BAY, NV—A half-page love letter written using Microsoft Word on Monday by Derek Glassburn, 19, to his girlfriend Amanda Tinker,... more»
Area Man Realizes He's Not The Cool Uncle

issue 4316 | 04.19.07 | News In Brief

BABBITT, MN—After watching his brother-in-law wow his nieces and nephews during a family reunion with his ability to dunk a basketball... more»
Rhode Island Votes To Move 2008 Primary To Tomorrow

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | News In Brief

PROVIDENCE, RI—The Rhode Island legislature has passed a law moving the state's presidential primary to tomorrow, forcing candidates... more»
Only Jewish Kid In Class Asked To Talk About Holocaust Remembrance Day

issue 4316 | 04.17.07 | News In Brief

KIRKLAND, WA—In honor of Holocaust Remembrance Day, 11-year-old Bobby Schwartz, the only Jewish student in Mrs. Yost's fifth grade... more»
Study: You Have HPV

issue 4316 | 04.16.07 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released updated human papillomavirus infection rate statistics Tuesday, which... more»
Tim Duncan's Sincere Apology Confuses Referee Enough To Eject Him From Game

issue 4316 | 04.19.07 | Sports News

DALLAS—Baffled by Tim Duncan's unexpected sincerity in apologizing following a technical foul, NBA official Joey Crawford responded by... more»
NFL Draft In Chaos As Mel Kiper's Big Board Is Knocked Over

issue 4316 | 04.19.07 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—NFL officials and ESPN executives made an emergency announcement Tuesday stating that the 2007 NFL Player Draft may have to be... more»
Britney Loses Custody Of Children

issue 4316 | 10.03.07 | American Voices

A judge ruled Monday that Britney Spears must surrender custody of her two sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline because of her alleged substance... more»
'Partial-Birth Abortion' Ban Upheld

issue 4316 | 04.20.07 | American Voices

The Supreme Court upheld a 2003 Congressional ban on intact dilation and evacuation of a fetus. What do you think? more»
FDA Rarely Inspects Imported Food

issue 4316 | 04.19.07 | American Voices

Despite routinely being rejected as unfit for human consumption, only 1.3 percent of imported fish, vegetables, fruit, and other foods are... more»
Richard Gere Angers India

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | American Voices

Protesters in India burned Richard Gere's image in effigy after the actor repeatedly kissed a Bollywood actress at an AIDS awareness rally. What do... more»
al-Sadr Leaves Iraqi Government

issue 4316 | 04.17.07 | American Voices

Radical Shiite cleric and militia leader Moqtada al-Sadr announced that he is withdrawing six of his ministers from the Iraqi cabinet. What do... more»
Taxpayer Information At Risk

issue 4316 | 04.16.07 | American Voices

A recent government report concluded that the IRS has not adequately protected the data on 52,000 IRS laptops. What do you think? more»
Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays

issue 4316 | 04.22.07 | Radio
State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack

issue 4316 | 04.21.07 | Radio
NASA To Crack Down On Practical Jokes

issue 4316 | 04.20.07 | Radio
Birthday Candles Puked Out

issue 4316 | 04.19.07 | Radio
Bomb-Sniffing Dog Gets 6-Cent Treat For Saving Los Angeles

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | Radio
Aging God Fitted For Omni-Focals

issue 4316 | 04.17.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - April 20, 2007

issue 4316 | 04.20.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Air Traffic Controller Likes Pattern He Has Going

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | News In Photos
Signature Dominates Sympathy Card

issue 4316 | 04.17.07 | News In Photos
When I Die, I'm Going To Haunt The Fuck Out Of You People

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | Commentary

As long as I can remember, my life has been a constant stream of insults, condescension, and humiliation at the hands of you people. Well,... more»
Just This Once, Let's Stay Up All Night And Do A Bunch Of Coke

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | Commentary

Hey guys, listen up for a second. I know this might sound a little crazy, but hear me out. We've all been working really hard lately on the... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | Horoscopes
Fighting Chinese Piracy

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | Infographic

The United States recently filed several complaints with the World Trade Organization against the Chinese government for its failure to... more»
Most Popular Tax Write-Offs By State

issue 4316 | 04.18.07 | Statshot
In The Know: The U.S. Moat

issue 4316 | 04.17.07 | Video

Panelists discuss the need to protect America's borders with a moat. more»
Canines

issue 4316 | 04.17.07 | Slideshow
SalAkshmi Split

issue 4316 | 04.20.07 | Sunday Magazine
MLB Offers Collectible Baseball Signed By Every Player In League

issue 4316 | 04.19.07 | Photo Finish
April 16, 1912

issue 4316 | 04.16.07 | Onion In History

World's Largest Metaphor Hits Ice-Berg more»
Nanny Subs For Wife At Couples Counseling

issue 4316 | 04.17.07 |
Taco Bell Diner Shrugs, Eats Finger In Taco

issue 4316 | 04.17.07 |