Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 25, 2007 - May 1, 2007 | Issue 43•17

Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business

FORT WORTH, TX—Despite having been on the job for nine months, RadioShack CEO Julian Day said Monday that he still has "no idea" how the home electronics store manages to stay open....

Weird Kid Shines During Dissection Project

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | News

PONCA CITY, OK—Hollis' crooked glasses and musty odor were all but forgotten as he briefly transcended his social awkwardness in a recent... more»
Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc.

issue 4317 | 04.26.07 | News

MIDDLE EAST—The U.N. has issued a strongly worded thingy denouncing someone or something having to do with the vicious suicide whatevers that... more»
Don Cheadle 'Riveting' In Coffee Shop Purchase

issue 4317 | 04.28.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—"It was the most amazing performance I've seen from him since I saw a bus that had his Gap ad on the side," said a... more»
Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over

issue 4317 | 04.27.07 | News In Brief

BUDA, TX—Officials with the Hays County sheriff's department said Monday they were "extremely relieved" to hand over to FBI... more»
Garden State Some Poor Fuck's Favorite Movie

issue 4317 | 04.26.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Despite the existence of cinema classics such as Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Seven Samurai, the... more»
Female Boss Walking Around Like She Owns The Place

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | News In Brief

SACRAMENTO, CA—Lydia Bernoldini, the CEO of financial services firm Bernoldini & Co., consistently uses her personal carriage and... more»
Mayor Daley's Son Appointed Head Of Illinois Nepotist Party

issue 4317 | 04.24.07 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Mere weeks after his unusual mid-March graduation from Northwestern University's School of Law, Shaun Daley, son of Chicago... more»
Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen

issue 4317 | 04.23.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—At a special Earth Day event Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney inhaled his first-ever breath of oxygen. "I... more»
MLB Credits Hank Aaron With 50 Lost Home Runs

issue 4317 | 04.27.07 | Sports News

MILWAUKEE—In what Major League Baseball officials are calling a "long overdue correction of a gross oversight," Commissioner Bud Selig... more»
Pentacle Allowed On Veterans' Tombstones

issue 4317 | 04.27.07 | American Voices

The Department of Veteran Affairs will allow Wiccan symbols to appear on gravestones of veterans who practiced the faith. What do you think? more»
Oregon Governor On Food Stamps

issue 4317 | 04.26.07 | American Voices

Gov. Ted Kulongoski of Oregon is living on a budget of a week's worth of food stamps for the state's Hunger Awareness Week. What do you think? more»
Boris Yeltsin Dead

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | American Voices

Boris Yeltsin, the first democratically elected president in Russia after the fall of the Communist regime, died early Monday. What do you... more»
No Baghdad Wall

issue 4317 | 04.24.07 | American Voices

The Iraqi prime minister has ordered the U.S. military to stop construction of a wall separating Shia and Sunni neighborhoods in Baghdad. What do... more»
Antipsychotics Reduce Sex Drive

issue 4317 | 04.23.07 | American Voices

A study of people taking antipsychotic drugs for treatment of schizophrenia shows reveals that diminished sexual function is an unwanted side... more»
Rapper-Turned-Actor Turns Orthodontist

issue 4317 | 04.30.07 | Radio
Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention

issue 4317 | 04.28.07 | Radio
International Star Registry Accidently Renames Sun 'Margaret'

issue 4317 | 04.27.07 | Radio
Pizza Hut's New Pizza-Lover's Pizza Topped With Smaller Pizzas

issue 4317 | 04.26.07 | Radio
President Bush Reaches Out To Nation's Fallen Bees

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | Radio
Man Shows Up At Arcade With Own Set Of Skee Balls

issue 4317 | 04.24.07 | Radio
Long Talk Seems To Satisfy Girlfriend

issue 4317 | 04.23.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - April 27, 2007

issue 4317 | 04.27.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Goldfish Teetering On Edge Of Sanity

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | News In Photos
Caricaturist's Self-Portrait Extremely Forgiving

issue 4317 | 04.24.07 | News In Photos
Gaze Upon My Baseball Cap Collection And Try To Remain Unmoved

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | Commentary

Allow me, with your kind permission, to present to you my pièce de résistance. I must warn you, as one of the select few to have ever... more»
It Wuz Always 'Bout Tha Numbahs

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | Columnists

Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways / Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here. —Chicago, "Wishing You Were... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | Horoscopes
Unsolved Hip-Hop Crimes

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | Infographic

Now that a suspect has finally been named in the 2002 killing of Jam Master Jay, police have turned their attention to other unsolved... more»
What Are We Looking For In A College?

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | Statshot
In The Know: Do You Remember Life Before The Segway?

issue 4317 | 04.04.07 | Video

Panelists discuss how the Segway personal transporter has revolutionized American life. more»
Law Enforcement

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 | Slideshow
The 10 Products That Will Make You A Good Parent

issue 4317 | 04.27.07 | Sunday Magazine
Jeff Gordon Celebrates Equaling Earnhardt's Win Record With Giant Flag Honoring Jeff Gordon

issue 4317 | 04.26.07 | Photo Finish
April 22, 1906

issue 4317 | 04.23.07 | Onion In History

Earth-Quake Marks Least Gay Day In San Francisco History more»
Son-In-Law Welcome Any Time

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 |
Mentor Asks Protégé What He Sees In Mirror

issue 4317 | 04.25.07 |