Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 2, 2007 - May 8, 2007 | Issue 43•18

Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs

ROCKLAND, DE—Local resident Heather Telford's entire Friday was ruined by a set of uncooperative bangs that refused to set correctly, the 26-year-old benefits coordinator told reporters. According to Telford, the tr...

CBS To Release Own Version Of NBC's The Office

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 | News

NEW YORK— "We changed some language and cultural references to things our audience would understand," said producers, disputing the notion that... more»
Prince William Fells Prince Willem-Alexander Of The Netherlands In Crucial Joust

issue 4318 | 05.04.07 | News

CHELTENHAM, ENGLAND—Magnanimous in victory, Prince William only demanded a 4.5 percent increase in durable-goods tariffs from the Dutch prince. more»
New Billionaire Tries To Develop Eccentricities

issue 4318 | 05.05.07 | News

LA JOLLA, CA—"Do you think I enjoy sleeping nude in a hyperbaric chamber?" said billionaire Mark Stern, outlining the sacrifices he... more»
Thirsty Mayor Drinks Town's Entire Water Supply

issue 4318 | 05.04.07 | News In Brief

ARDMORE, OK—Saying he was "just really thirsty," Mayor Earl Moore apologized to his constituents Tuesday after drinking the entire... more»
Extra-Slanty Italics Introduced For Extremely Important Words

issue 4318 | 05.03.07 | News In Brief

NEW HOPE, MN—In an attempt to address writers' ever-growing word-emphasis needs, Minnesota-based Pica Foundry has developed a new,... more»
Bush Has One Of Those Days Where He Feels Like 68 Percent Of People Hate Him

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In an East Room press conference Tuesday, President Bush told reporters that he had the "sneaking feeling" that 68 percent... more»
White-On-White Violence Claims Life Of Accounts Receivable Supervisor

issue 4318 | 05.01.07 | News In Brief

POYNETTE, WI—Foul play is suspected in the death of an accounts receivable supervisor for a regional office-supply company, sheriff's... more»
Prospective Student Had Most Fun Getting Drunk At Arizona State

issue 4318 | 04.30.07 | News In Brief

BRINKLEY, AR—After taking a week off from school to evaluate prospective colleges, high school senior Angela Ross said Monday that,... more»
Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure After Taking Night Course In Russian Literature

issue 4318 | 05.03.07 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—Longtime ESPN favorite Chris Berman, known throughout sports fandom for his enthusiastic narration of highlights and his... more»
Wal-Mart Fortune Left To Charity

issue 4318 | 05.04.07 | American Voices

The death of the Wal-Mart founder's widow, Helen Walton, is slated to become a $16.4 billion windfall for The Walton Family Foundation, a... more»
Earth-like Planet Discovered

issue 4318 | 05.03.07 | American Voices

Scientists have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting a red dwarf star 20 light-years away. What do you think? more»
Bush Rejects Iraq Funding Bill

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 | American Voices

On Tuesday, President Bush vetoed a congressional bill authorizing financing for the war in Iraq contingent on a timetable for troop withdrawal.... more»
Abstinence Education Doesn't Work

issue 4318 | 05.01.07 | American Voices

A government report ordered by Congress shows that abstinence-only education is ineffective. What do you think? more»
Rosie Leaving The View

issue 4318 | 04.30.07 | American Voices

Rosie O'Donnell announced that she is leaving The View. What do you think? more»
American Robot's Job Outsourced Overseas

issue 4318 | 05.06.07 | Radio
Loft Apartments Converted Into Mayonnaise Factory

issue 4318 | 05.05.07 | Radio
Onion Radio News Announces Annual Poetry-Contest Winner

issue 4318 | 05.04.07 | Radio
Old Sheriff In Town Doing Perfectly Adequate Job

issue 4318 | 05.03.07 | Radio
Pepsi May Have Used Faulty Taste-Test Results To Lead Nation Into Cola Wars

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 | Radio
Area Man Tests Limits Of Human Stomach

issue 4318 | 05.01.07 | Radio
Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School

issue 4318 | 04.29.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 4, 2007

issue 4318 | 05.04.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Pizza Hut's New Pizza Lover's Pizza Topped With Smaller Pizzas

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 | News In Photos
Hillary Clinton Threatened By Black Man

issue 4318 | 05.01.07 | News In Photos
Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel Or Something To That Effect

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 | Commentary

Excuse me, beautiful, mind if I stand next to you and do some talking? I don't mean to intrude, but I couldn't help but notice that you were... more»
If Someone Wanted To Publish My Blog Entries For Money, I Wouldn't Say No

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 | Commentary

Let me make one thing clear right off the bat: I started my blog because I needed an outlet for my thoughts and feelings during the 2004... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 | Horoscopes
Queen Elizabeth II Visits U.S.

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 | Infographic

Queen Elizabeth II of England is visiting the United States for the fifth time in 50 years. What is on her itinerary? more»
Longest-Running Puppet Shows

issue 4318 | 05.01.07 | Statshot
Report: 70 Percent Of All Praise Sarcastic

issue 4318 | 04.30.07 | Video

Is that compliment real or not? A new report tells you how to know the difference. more»
Are Our Nation's Sewers Filthy Enough?

issue 4318 | 05.04.07 | Sunday Magazine
Johnny Damon Probably Wouldn't Mind Being On Dancing With The Stars

issue 4318 | 05.03.07 | Photo Finish
April 30, 1992

issue 4318 | 04.30.07 | Onion In History

L.A. Rioters Demand Justice, Tape Decks more»
Women To Drink For Free Until 10 Tonight At Spanky's

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 |
Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls To Rise In Stomach

issue 4318 | 05.02.07 |