Features
-
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
- HARRISONBURG, VA—Alice Olif found a new use for her old egg-timer after learning that an immigrant enters the United States every 11 seconds.
- SPOONER, WI—Having taken the floor for her first dance as a married woman, harried bride Marie Larson was horrified to learn that "Love Zone" is not a ballad and that Judas Priest is not a Christian rock band.
- CULVER CITY, CA—Angela Macedo had no idea making money as a hair model for first-year cosmetology students was as easy as setting aside all of her pride and self-respect.
-
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
Harold Trudor, 84, finally fixed the doorbell, just in time for no one to ever ring it again. -
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
Sheila Boyke, 47, spent two hours searching for the perfect gourd color combination before taking a cider break. -
Sunday Magazine
-
Stockwatch
As the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans.
-
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
Jake Marino returned from the depths of the Orient bearing gifts: a baseball hat that says, "Japan," and a novelty necktie that says, "Japan."
Onion Home
Issue Highlights
-
Woman Benched By Life Coach
-
Paul McCartney Quiets Wife-Beating Allegations With Stirring Rendition Of "Blackbird"
