In Brief
- Every Book On Area Woman's Shelves Somehow Related To Coping
- Report: One In Five Women Training To Be Yoga Instructors
- Big-Hair Lady Loves Jesus
- Rookie Trucker Always On CB To Mother
- Area Woman Didn't Say That; You Said That
- Elaborate Sentence Construction Facilitates Omission Of Word 'Boyfriend'
- Wife Always Dragging Husband Into Her Marital Problems
- Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station
- Supreme Court Allows Corporations To Run For Political Office
- Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk
- How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat
- If I See A Shirt I Like, I'll Usually Just Buy It
Features
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Stockwatch
Frustrated parents and investors alike have embraced this producer of baby-shaped maracas designed to satisfy their urge to shake a baby without having to harm their own.
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National News Highlights
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- HARRISONBURG, VA—Alice Olif found a new use for her old egg-timer after learning that an immigrant enters the United States every 11 seconds.
- SPOONER, WI—Having taken the floor for her first dance as a married woman, harried bride Marie Larson was horrified to learn that "Love Zone" is not a ballad and that Judas Priest is not a Christian rock band.
- CULVER CITY, CA—Angela Macedo had no idea making money as a hair model for first-year cosmetology students was as easy as setting aside all of her pride and self-respect.
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National News Highlights
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John Malloy, 26, just wanted to find a bar where people knew him but not well enough to dislike him yet. -
National News Highlights
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Border agents pried open a shipping container filled with 65 legal U.S. citizens who wanted to know what the problem was. -
Sunday Magazine
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National News Highlights
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Mary Therese Flanagan, 53, shouted a message on her son's voice mail to pick up if he was home.
Onion Home
Issue Highlights
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Sopping Wet Panties Removed From Washer, Placed On Dryer
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Plan To Trap Boyfriend Aborted
