Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 19, 2007 - May 25, 2007 | Issue 43•20

Dept. Of Evil: 'All Of You Must Die'

WASHINGTON, DC—In the latest in a long series of ominous public pronouncements, the Department of Evil released a statement Monday demanding that all residents of the United States must die. "Yes, all must die," Dr...

Elie Wiesel Mortified After Rereading Night

issue 4320 | 05.19.07 | News

BOSTON—"The sentence structure is artless and the plot is repetitive at best," said Wiesel, ashamed that his first book even made it to print. more»
Rhetorical Pleasantry Elicits 45-Minute Response

issue 4320 | 05.18.07 | News

KANSAS CITY, MO—"When he put his hand on my shoulder, I knew it would be a while," recalled Harding, who could not escape from the monologue. more»
Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | News

KANSAS CITY, MO—The new Hallmark-brand feelings will fill any gaps left by the company's "Thinking of You" and "Just Because" categories. more»
Idaho Legislature Declares English Only Language They Know

issue 4320 | 05.18.07 | News In Brief

BOISE, ID—The Idaho Legislature passed a unanimous resolution Monday declaring English the only language the elected assembly knows how... more»
Report: Only 7 Band Names Remaining

issue 4320 | 05.17.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to data released Monday by the International Registry of Rock Band Names, only seven of the estimated 518 million... more»
Professor Sees Parallels Between Things, Other Things

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—University of Texas professor Thom Windham once again furthered the cause of human inquiry in a class lecture Monday, as he... more»
Area Man Lives Vicariously Through Son's Bully

issue 4320 | 05.15.07 | News In Brief

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Mike Zerbe, 39, father of bullied son Timmy Zerbe, 8, expressed avid interest in the fighting stance and other... more»
Evening's Events Immediately Recapped With Digital-Camera Slide Show

issue 4320 | 05.14.07 | News In Brief

DENVER—Family and friends attending a two-hour birthday dinner for 26-year-old Josh Kebbekus at The Cheesecake Factory yesterday... more»
Brett Favre Demands Trade To 1996 Packers

issue 4320 | 05.17.07 | Sports News

GREEN BAY—Three-time MVP and undisputed future Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre, disappointed with the Packers' refusal to aggressively... more»
Romney: 'Double Guantanamo'

issue 4320 | 05.18.07 | American Voices

In a Republican presidential debate on Tuesday, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney said he would support doubling the detention facilities... more»
Rated R For Smoking

issue 4320 | 05.17.07 | American Voices

The Motion Picture Association of America has announced that smoking will now be a consideration when determining a film's rating. What do you think? more»
Televangelist Jerry Falwell Dead

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | American Voices

Moral Majority founder Jerry Falwell died yesterday after being found unconscious in his office. What do you think? more»
Postal Rates Increase

issue 4320 | 05.15.07 | American Voices

The price of a stamp went up to 41 cents yesterday. What do you think? more»
Florida Crocs Make Nuclear Comeback

issue 4320 | 05.14.07 | American Voices

American crocodiles are making a comeback in Florida, thanks in large part to the protected canals surrounding the Turkey Point nuclear power... more»
Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Honors Tuskegee Air Guitarists

issue 4320 | 05.21.07 | Radio
Ascending Soul Already Misses Possessions

issue 4320 | 05.20.07 | Radio
Everyone On Campus Afraid Of That One Bar

issue 4320 | 05.19.07 | Radio
Single Errand Proves Too Overwhelming For Man On Day Off

issue 4320 | 05.18.07 | Radio
Fall From Pommel Horse Puts Cheney's 2008 Olympic Hopes In Doubt

issue 4320 | 05.17.07 | Radio
Only Gay Guy In Office Says He's Not Only Gay Guy In Office

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | Radio
U.S. Troops Fortified With Hot, Nutritious Breakfast

issue 4320 | 05.15.07 | Radio
John Goodman's Mouth Obviously Full During Dunkin' Donuts Voice-Over

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | News In Photos
Teen Parents Skip Prom

issue 4320 | 05.15.07 | News In Photos
Test-Driving The New Smartphones

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | Commentary

If you're on the go, doing three shows a day at a marine park, it's hard to keep up with e-mail, and text messaging can be a real time-suck.... more»
Why Was I Not Informed About Bruce Lee?

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | Commentary

I am going to try to remain calm and keep in mind that you purport to be decent, rational people. As my parents and peers, you supposedly have... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | Horoscopes
Catholic Church Reconsiders Limbo

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | Infographic

The Catholic Church has ruled that, contrary to previous church doctrine, unbaptized children do not spend time in limbo until the End of... more»
How Are We Honoring Grandpa's Memory?

issue 4320 | 05.16.07 | Statshot
In The Know: Teenagers and Alcohol

issue 4320 | 05.17.07 | Video

Panelists discuss how we can adequately prepare our high-school students to drink at the college level. more»
Jessica Simpson On Her Harrowing Repackaging Ordeal

issue 4320 | 05.18.07 | Sunday Magazine
Steve Nash Still Bleeding

issue 4320 | 05.17.07 | Photo Finish
May 13, 1932

issue 4320 | 05.14.07 | Onion In History

Lindbergh Baby Found Dead: Police Vow to Convict Non-English-Speaking Immigrant 'At Any Cost' more»
12-Year-Old Gives God The Finger

issue 4320 | 05.15.07 |
Armless Fiancé Showing Off Engagement Hat

issue 4320 | 05.15.07 |