Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 26, 2007 - June 1, 2007 | Issue 43•21

Modern-Day Martin Luther Nails 95 Comment Cards To IHOP Door

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Managers of an area International House of Pancakes discovered 95 comment cards nailed to its front door Sunday, which were later identified as the work of local resident Ronald...

In Need Of Dedication, Yearbook Staff Sacrifices Homecoming King

issue 4321 | 05.26.07 | News

ALBANY, NY—˜The decision to drug Edwards and push his car off a cliff came after a year void of fatal bus crashes, teacher death, and other... more»
Nation Mobilizes For Beautiful Weekend

issue 4321 | 05.25.07 | News

NEW YORK—"It may mean sacrificing TV shows and even chores, but we cannot sit idly by as this gorgeous weather rolls in," said one resident,... more»
Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of '07 Pugs

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—While pug owners are accustomed to chronic dog malfunction, the latest animals are prone to more than the usual overheating,... more»
Amazing Medical Discovery To Add Years Of Fish-Oil Consumption To Man's Life

issue 4321 | 05.25.07 | News In Brief

ORLAND, IN—Amazing new medical findings concerning the cholesterol-regulating properties of omega-3 fatty acids could offer Indiana... more»
Employee's Multitasking Doesn't Include Work

issue 4321 | 05.24.07 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—Though 27-year-old paralegal Pete Gossling prides himself on his ability to efficiently accomplish numerous tasks at once, none... more»
Study: 38 Percent Of People Not Actually Entitled To Their Opinion

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of Chicago's... more»
Guinness Forced To Recognize Bigger Record Book

issue 4321 | 05.22.07 | News In Brief

LONDON—Once thought to be the most definitive reference of its kind, Guinness World Records was forced to formally recognize... more»
Area Man Somehow Roped Into Arguing Passionately For Green Day

issue 4321 | 05.21.07 | News In Brief

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Though he admitted he hasn't listened to the band in 10 years, tech-support specialist Jonathan Meagher, 25, somehow... more»
Roger Goodell Tightens Code Of Conduct After NFL Players Break His Priceless Vase

issue 4321 | 05.24.07 | Sports News

JAMESTOWN, NY— NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced in a press conference yesterday that the NFL Code of Conduct would be tightened... more»
Clinton Dropping Out Of Iowa?

issue 4321 | 05.25.07 | American Voices

An internal memo from from a Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign staffer urged her not to run in the Iowa caucus, stating that she would probably... more»
Period Suppression Pill OK'd

issue 4321 | 05.24.07 | American Voices

The FDA approved Lybrel, a birth control pill that stops the monthly menstrual cycle altogether. What do you think? more»
Trump Quits The Apprentice

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | American Voices

Donald Trump, host of the low-rated NBC television series The Apprentice, says he quit abruptly before the network could bump him from the... more»
Carter Blasts Bush's Foreign Policy

issue 4321 | 05.22.07 | American Voices

In an interview with the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, former President Jimmy Carter referred to the Bush administration's foreign policy as the... more»
Couric's Ratings Woes

issue 4321 | 05.21.07 | American Voices

Eight months after Katie Couric took over as anchor, The CBS Evening News is a distant third in the nightly news ratings, and last week... more»
Brain Sacrifices Survival Instinct To Make Room For Jingle

issue 4321 | 05.28.07 | Radio
Detroit Tourism Board's 'Hidden Detroit' Campaign Results In 24 Deaths

issue 4321 | 05.27.07 | Radio
Dog Experiences Best Day Of Life For 400th Consecutive Day

issue 4321 | 05.26.07 | Radio
Armless Fiancée Shows Off Engagement Hat

issue 4321 | 05.25.07 | Radio
Fraternity Brother Forced To Find Asshole Friends In Real World

issue 4321 | 05.24.07 | Radio
Fate Of Soul Uncertain After Mid-Baptismal Drowning

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | Radio
Nation's Wood Nymphs Unveil Plan To Reduce Dependance On Foreign Dew Drops

issue 4321 | 05.22.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 25, 2007

issue 4321 | 05.25.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Sharon Stone Auctioned Off To German Conglomerate

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | News In Photos
Ohio State Uses T-Shirt Blaster To Pass Out Diplomas

issue 4321 | 05.22.07 | News In Photos
If Wanting To See Vaginas Is A Crime, Then I, Your Honor, Am Guilty

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | Commentary

I stand before you today accused of wrongdoing, with my reputation called into question before the entire community. But in truth, I am no... more»
Jesus Is My Health Insurance

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | Commentary

I tell you, people these days have lost their faith. Everybody's turning to the television or drugs or the government to solve their... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | Horoscopes
Bush's New 'War Czar'

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | Infographic

President Bush has appointed Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute as "war czar." What will Lute's duties entail? Living... more»
What Are We Yelling At Chicks From Our Cars?

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | Statshot
In The Know: War On Terror

issue 4321 | 05.24.07 | Video

Our success in the war on terrorism may lead to other problems: Terrorist ghosts. more»
Recalled Pugs

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 | Slideshow
Coping With Shit

issue 4321 | 05.25.07 | Sunday Magazine
Jeff Van Gundy Looking Even Sadder Than Usual

issue 4321 | 05.24.07 | Photo Finish
May 20, 1902

issue 4321 | 05.21.07 | Onion In History

Lady Liberty's Spanish Menace Returns For Revenge more»
Three Stooges T-Shirts Available In XXXL Only

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 |
Train Wreck Not That Interesting

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 |
Unmarked VHS Tape Kept 'Just In Case'

issue 4321 | 05.23.07 |