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June 9, 2007 - June 15, 2007 | Issue 43•23

Rocky II, III, IV Decisions Overturned After Stallone Caught With Performance-Enhancing Drugs

PHILADELPHIA—In the wake of last month's shocking revelation that actor Sylvester Stallone had been caught with the illegal human growth hormone Jintropin at an Australian...

Banjo Player Sought In Hootenanny Spree

issue 4323 | 06.09.07 | News

BOSTON—"These constant hootenannings must stop," said Mayor Menino, a staunch critic since Faneuil Hall's doors were forcibly removed and used... more»
Study: Many Americans Too Fat To Commit Suicide

issue 4323 | 06.08.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—A disturbing percentage of Americans are too large to ascend a footstool, too inflexible to kick it away, and too heavy to dangle... more»
Retired Gen. George Washington Criticizes Bush's Handling Of Iraq War

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | News

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Revolutionary War veteran noted that while Hussein was a tyrant, that alone did not justify a "conflict that seems without... more»
Craig Kilborn Ready To Return To The Daily Show

issue 4323 | 06.09.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Former late-night television personality Craig Kilborn announced Monday that he has decided to return to the show he says... more»
Second Life Makes Dream Of Owning Fictitious Coffee Shop Come True

issue 4323 | 06.07.07 | News In Brief

HAILEY, ID—As a teenager, Kerry Jarrett never thought she would have the opportunity to own and operate a completely fabricated coffee... more»
Audience Calls Candidates Back On Stage For Debate Encore

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | News In Brief

MANCHESTER, NH—A sold-out crowd at St. Anselm College refused to leave after the Republican presidential debate came to a close... more»
Nation Hoping For A Windy Flag Day

issue 4323 | 06.05.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—With June 14 just a week away, citizens nationwide are hoping that brisk, windy weather is in store for this Flag... more»
Uncool Zookeeper Won't Let Anyone Ride Gorillas

issue 4323 | 06.04.07 | News In Brief

BROOKFIELD, IL—Despite heartfelt pleas, Janice Petrone, a totally lame and uncool zookeeper at the Brookfield Zoo, repeatedly told a... more»
Tim Duncan Rooting For Cavaliers For Good Of NBA

issue 4323 | 06.07.07 | Sports News

SAN ANTONIO—San Antonio Spurs All-Star center Tim Duncan told reporters yesterday that he is rooting for the Cleveland Cavaliers to win this... more»
Rep. Jefferson Under Investigation

issue 4323 | 06.08.07 | American Voices

The House has ordered a speedy ethics probe into the dealings of Rep. William J. Jefferson (D-LA) that could oust him before he goes to trial on... more»
Scooter Libby Sentenced For Lying

issue 4323 | 06.07.07 | American Voices

I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison for obstructing the Valerie Plame CIA leak investigation. What do you think?" more»
The 49 States Of America?

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | American Voices

A secession movement has been gaining traction in the state of Vermont. What do you think? more»
Creation Museum Grand Opening

issue 4323 | 06.05.07 | American Voices

The Creation Museum, which holds that the Bible is the supreme authority, opened last week in Kentucky. What do you think? more»
Airline Passenger Has TB

issue 4323 | 06.04.07 | American Voices

An Atlanta lawyer recently flew two transatlantic flights after being diagnosed with a rare and dangerous strain of tuberculosis. What do... more»
New Cruise Ship Constructed Entirely From Buffets

issue 4323 | 06.11.07 | Radio
Scientific Journal Releases List of Top 100 Compounds

issue 4323 | 06.10.07 | Radio
Phantom Of The Opera Viewers Treated For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder

issue 4323 | 06.09.07 | Radio
Company Produces Lifestyle, Not Corn Chip

issue 4323 | 06.08.07 | Radio
Local Man Glad To Find There Was Nothing Personal Behind Murder Of Family

issue 4323 | 06.07.07 | Radio
Teen Injured Mimicking Crucifixion He Saw On Christian TV

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | Radio
Secret Service Agent Takes Out Dandelion On White House Lawn

issue 4323 | 06.05.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - June 8, 2007

issue 4323 | 06.08.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Area Man Good For The Economy

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | News In Photos
Meg White Drum Solo Maintains Steady Beat For 23 Minutes

issue 4323 | 06.05.07 | News In Photos
Hey, Wasn't There Some Sort Of National Tragedy A Few Months Back?

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | Commentary

Wait a minute. I could swear that I was recently shocked and outraged about something that felt really significant. But now I can't for the... more»
With All Due Respect, I Choose Not To Go Fuck Myself

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | Commentary

Sir. Sir. Sir! Now that you have, I dare say, made your opinion on this matter more than abundantly clear, might I finally be afforded the... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | Horoscopes
Bush To Double AIDS Funding

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | Infographic

President Bush is seeking to double the amount the U.S. is spending to fight global AIDS to $30 billion in five years. Where will the money... more»
Least Popular Alcoholic Drinks

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 | Statshot
In The Know: America Braces For New Wayans Brothers Movie

issue 4323 | 06.07.07 | Video

One year after Little Man, panelists discuss whether America can handle another movie from the Wayans Brothers. more»
J.K. Rowling Hints At Harry Potter Date Rape

issue 4323 | 06.04.07 | Video

Calling the final Harry Potter book her "darkest yet," J.K. Rowling confirmed one of the characters in it will be date raped. more»
Technology

issue 4323 | 06.05.07 | Slideshow
Mitt Romney: Does He Wear That Weird Underwear?

issue 4323 | 06.08.07 | Sunday Magazine
London Unveils 2012 Olympics Logo To Stunned Silence

issue 4323 | 06.07.07 | Photo Finish
June 8, 1944

issue 4323 | 06.04.07 | Onion In History

War Rationing Board Restricts Nylon Use to Armed Forces, J. Edgar Hoover Only more»
Casey Affleck Still Not Famous Enough To Have Name On Ocean's 13 Billboard

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 |
Child Beginning To Resemble Owner

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 |
Coke Can Becomes Official U.S. 12-Ounce Measure

issue 4323 | 06.06.07 |