Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 16, 2007 - June 22, 2007 | Issue 43•24

Shaking Off Amnesia, Gonzales Remembers He's Actually Pool Salesman From Tulsa

WASHINGTON, DC—Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' future was thrown further into jeopardy Friday when he was accidentally struck by a boom microphone, reversing a years-long case of amnesia and causing...

Single Bee Sends Gathering Of Humans Into Helpless Panic

issue 4324 | 06.16.07 | News

DALLAS, TX—Civil engineer, marathon runner, and Gulf War veteran Scott Fogel leaped back several feet and hid behind a waste can to escape the... more»
Cracker Barrel Announces Plans To Build Another One Out By The Highway

issue 4324 | 06.15.07 | News

LEBANON, TN—"Cracker Barrel preserves a special way of life," said CEO Michael Woodhouse, pointing to the same scale model used for... more»
Davey Gendelman Hits Puberty

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 | News

WHITFORD, NJ—School security camera footage showed that Gendleman now experiences spontaneous erections, especially while sitting near... more»
Endangered Species List Edited To Fit Poster

issue 4324 | 06.15.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—World Wildlife Fund president Carter S. Roberts said Monday that his organization was forced to pare down the list of... more»
Middle Manager Announces Plans To Skedaddle

issue 4324 | 06.14.07 | News In Brief

ST. PAUL, MN—Following the successful completion of a large collating project, administrative supervisor Becky Szafranski announced plans... more»
Congress Passes Seriously Uncool Legislation

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a total buzzkill, the Senate on Friday passed some seriously lame legislation by a vote of 89-7, one week after the... more»
Author To Use Water As Metaphor

issue 4324 | 06.12.07 | News In Brief

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Novelist, playwright, and poet H. Gregor Lafferty, 41, announced Monday his plan to use water as a metaphor in an... more»
Drunk Guy Knows All The Lyrics To This Song

issue 4324 | 06.11.07 | News In Brief

ATHENS, OH—Keith Bonifer, 34, a regular and frequently intoxicated patron of Araby's Pub, impressed fellow customers Tuesday by... more»
Rafael Nadal Credits French Open Success To Living In A World Of Clay

issue 4324 | 06.14.07 | Sports News

MALLORCA, SPAIN—In a relaxed group interview given immediately following his record-tying third consecutive French Open victory, world No.... more»
Harry Potter And The Bookstore Losses

issue 4324 | 06.18.07 | American Voices

Because of intense competition, most retailers will likely be selling the new Harry Potter book at cost or less in the first week of its release.... more»
Google Blasted Over Privacy

issue 4324 | 06.15.07 | American Voices

Google, the popular search engine, is under fire for having the worst privacy practices on the web. What do you think? more»
Bush Nominates Anti-Gay Surgeon General

issue 4324 | 06.14.07 | American Voices

Dr. James W. Holsinger, Jr., Bush's nominee for Surgeon General authored a 1991 medical paper arguing that homosexuality is unnatural and... more»
Tonight Show Features Live Ad

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 | American Voices

Tuesday's broadcast of The Tonight Show included a live commercial, its first since 1995. What do you think? more»
Lieberman Advocates Attack On Iran

issue 4324 | 06.12.07 | American Voices

Sen. Joe Lieberman told Face The Nation the U.S. should bomb Iran because they continue to aid anti-American forces in Iraq. What do... more»
Bird Flu Vaccine Approved

issue 4324 | 06.11.07 | American Voices

The first vaccine for avian flu was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think? more»
Entire Meal Pig-Based

issue 4324 | 06.18.07 | Radio
St. Christopher Statue Embedded In Motorist's Forehead

issue 4324 | 06.17.07 | Radio
Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle With Fame

issue 4324 | 06.16.07 | Radio
Surprise Witness Punches Out Prosecutor

issue 4324 | 06.15.07 | Radio
Nerds Take Over Military Base With Computers, Other Nerd Shit

issue 4324 | 06.14.07 | Radio
New Total-Fucking-Mess Czar To Oversee America's Total Fucking Messes

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 | Radio
Pope Unveils New Christ Hammer

issue 4324 | 06.12.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - June 18, 2007

issue 4324 | 06.18.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Editorial Cartoon - June 11, 2007

issue 4324 | 06.11.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Jeremy Piven Outraged Microsoft Word Doesn't Recognize His Name

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 | News In Photos
Dept. Of Homeland Security Introduces DHS For Men

issue 4324 | 06.12.07 | News In Photos
I've Got Some Bad News, And I've Got Some Hilarious News

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 | Commentary

What I have to tell you now is very difficult for me to say, both because it is emotionally painful and because, quite frankly, it's hard to... more»
Third Time's Even More The Charm!

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 | Columnists

Item! Am I the only one who's noticed that the movie houses are just bursting with must-see sequels-to-sequels these days? Talk about... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4324 | 06.12.07 | Horoscopes
Russia Engages In Saber Rattling

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 | Infographic

Recently, Russia has engaged in what seem to be Soviet-era tactics, such as a ballistic missile test, a threat to target Europe, and a... more»
Top Fears, By Age

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 | Statshot
Study: Alzheimer’s Patients Say They Do Not Have Alzheimer’s

issue 4324 | 06.11.07 | Video

Interviews with Alzheimer’s patients indicated that an overwhelming majority are, in fact, perfectly fine. more»
June 13, 1967

issue 4324 | 06.15.07 | Onion In History

Hippies Celebrating 'Fuck-Summer' `67 more»
50 Most Attainable Women

issue 4324 | 06.15.07 | Sunday Magazine
Creepy Lifeguard Turns Out To Be Nine-Time Olympic Gold Medalist Mark Spitz

issue 4324 | 06.14.07 | Photo Finish
Innovative Fashion Designer Comes Up With New Direction For Stripes To Go In

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 |
30 Percent Of Man's Wealth Tied Up In Gift Cards

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 |
Science Magazine Skimmed For Dinosaur Articles

issue 4324 | 06.13.07 |