Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 30, 2007 - July 6, 2007 | Issue 43•26

James Gandolfini Shot By Closure-Seeking Fan

NEW YORK—Actor James Gandolfini, best known for his portrayal of mob kingpin Tony Soprano on the hit HBO show The Sopranos, was shot to death Tuesday in a Greenwich Village restaurant by a fan unable to accept the...

Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place

issue 4326 | 06.30.07 | News

COLUMBUS, OH —While the city's report criticized employees for refusing to wear hairnets and shirts, it failed to point out that Burrito Max... more»
Construction Worker Still Hasn't Given Up On True Love

issue 4326 | 06.29.07 | News

NEW YORK, NY —A hopeless romantic, Barbierri tries to touch upon the individual qualities of each woman he greets, from great legs to visible... more»
Bush: Maybe U.S. Military 'Just Not Very Good'

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC —"Maybe our men and women overseas just aren't what they're cracked up to be," said the President Bush of the thorough lack of... more»
New Sealy Mattress Recreates Feeling Of Falling Asleep On Bus

issue 4326 | 06.29.07 | News In Brief

TRINITY, NC—Sealy, the company known for providing innovative sleep technology with its Posturepedic, TrueForm, and SpringFree... more»
Asthmatic Child Tired Of Hearing List Of Famous Asthmatics

issue 4326 | 06.28.07 | News In Brief

LEXINGTON, PA—Thirteen-year-old asthmatic Nate Bothman told reporters Monday that his mother's penchant for telling him about famous... more»
Wife's Needs Gross

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 | News In Brief

EDINA, MN—Janice Fewless' sexual, emotional, and toiletry requirements are "really starting to get disgusting," her husband, Kenneth... more»
Report: FBI Learns Of Plot To Download Old School

issue 4326 | 06.26.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing evidence culled from Internet and cellular phone chatter, the FBI announced Monday that they have "significant... more»
Greenspan Comes Out Of Retirement For One More Interest Rate Hike

issue 4326 | 06.25.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Confirming a rumor that first appeared in March on the FDIC Fan Forum message board, former Federal Reserve chairman... more»
Sports Unable To Heal Small Town Following Tragedy

issue 4326 | 06.28.07 | Sports News

MILL RUN, PA—In a town where residents are still in shock over last Sunday's brutal mass slaying, in which a mentally disturbed man shot 17... more»
Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable

issue 4326 | 06.29.07 | American Voices

According to a report from the city's comptroller, New York City would stand to gain $142 million in the first three years of legalized gay... more»
Professional Porn Sales Down

issue 4326 | 06.28.07 | American Voices

Sales and rentals of adult DVDs are down 30 percent due to the rise in homemade Internet porn. What do you think? more»
Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 | American Voices

A report in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health states that white men who served in combat in the U.S. armed forces are twice... more»
Dieting Doesn't Work

issue 4326 | 06.26.07 | American Voices

According to a comprehensive review of 31 long-term studies, scientists at the University of California say that dieting does not result in... more»
Fewer Boys Being Born

issue 4326 | 06.26.07 | American Voices

According to data gathered by the University of Pittsburgh, the number of male births has declined since 1970. What do you think? more»
Bloodthirsty, Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate-Cereal Consumption

issue 4326 | 07.01.07 | Radio
Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class

issue 4326 | 06.30.07 | Radio
Local Pastor Solves Problem By Quoting Scripture

issue 4326 | 06.29.07 | Radio
Stranger In Black Solves Small-Town Zoning Dispute

issue 4326 | 06.28.07 | Radio
Alabama Braces For Raccoon Attacks After Coonhounds Go Missing

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 | Radio
New Defense Appropriations Bill Finally Allows Army To Buy Nice Bullets

issue 4326 | 06.26.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - June 25, 2007

issue 4326 | 06.25.07 | Editorial Cartoon
4-Year-Old's Idea Of Barbie, Ken Marriage Involves Lots Of Head Collisions

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 | News In Photos
Tai Chi Practitioner Really Slowly Dislocates Knee

issue 4326 | 06.26.07 | News In Photos
Ha! Ha! Ha! I Can’t Believe How Funny This Sitcom Is!

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 | Commentary

Ooh! Here comes the best show on television! I wonder what kind of hilarious antics these so-and-so's get into this week. Ooh! Ooh! Here comes... more»
Where Do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy?

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 | Commentary

Boy, am I beat. And it's not like I have some crazy life where I'm working three jobs and going to night school. No, I just have one job and... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4326 | 06.26.07 | Horoscopes
Sicko Opens This Weekend

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 | Infographic

Sicko, Michael Moore's documentary attack on the American health care system, opens this weekend. What are some of the... more»
Top Chinese Manufacturing Recalls

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 | Statshot
U.S. Department of Lost and Found: Umbrellas and Sweaters

issue 4326 | 06.28.07 | Video

Have you lost something? The U.S. Department of Lost and Found helps Americans find their misplaced possessions. more»
Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'

issue 4326 | 06.26.07 | Video

The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn. more»
Our Towns

issue 4326 | 06.26.07 | Slideshow
How Pete Doherty Became A Shadow Of His Former Shell

issue 4326 | 06.29.07 | Sunday Magazine
Jonathan Papelbon's 95 mph Water Balloon Ruins Family Barbecue

issue 4326 | 06.28.07 | Photo Finish
Evolution Textbook Hidden Under Mattress

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 |
FCC Heard That, Mister

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 |
Block Party Watched Through Curtains

issue 4326 | 06.27.07 |