In Brief
- Military Recruiter Upset Area Man Hasn't Called Him Back
- 85 Percent Of U.S. Cole Slaw Remains Uneaten
- Miss Nude America Loses Title After Appearing Clothed In Woman's Day
- Fan-Favorite First Season Of Bush Administration Released On DVD
- Bush Celebrates Millionth Utterance Of 'Lessons Of Sept. 11'
- Congress Approves Of $250 Billion
- Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act
Features
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Sunday Magazine
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This Day In History
July 8, 1987
Americans Outraged By South Africa's Race-Divided Economic System
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Stockwatch
Stock prices for this company continued to rise as the need for professional-looking defence contracts remained strong in the second quarter.
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Sunday Magazine
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National News Highlights
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- BETHESDA, MD—After a contentious town-hall meeting, residents decided that they are ready to get off the fence and declared themselves a part of the Confederacy, thus belatedly tipping the scales of the Civil War in the South's favor.
- WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has still not gathered the will to inform senators from the U.S. Virgin Islands, Oscar Vleck and Elizabeth Pendelton, that they are not really supposed to be there, and indeed aren't really senators.
- COLUMBUS, OH—Classic-car enthusiasts and GLAAD members alike were horrified on Sunday when “God Hates Fags” was found spray-painted on a 1963 Chevrolet Impala Two-Door Hardtop Sport Coupe.
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Sunday Magazine
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National News Highlights
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After a protracted turf war over the prime knitting table in the Citrus Heights Retirement Community rec room, a fragile détente was brokered between the Wheelies and the Walkers. -
National News Highlights
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Suzy Klessig shrugged and decided to stay married. -
Stockwatch
Internet users responded negatively when they learned the firm's "It's you" ad campaign was aimed directly at Marvin Holochwost, a second-year business major.
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National News Highlights
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The swirling crimson vortex of ones and zeroes above Google's corporate headquarters turned a bloodier shade of red after swallowing a fifth-grade math whiz visiting on a school field trip.
Onion Home
Issue Highlights
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Bush Tearfully Addresses Nation After Watching "Field Of Dreams"
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The American Dream: What Does That Part About Kissing The Gym Teacher Mean?
