In Brief
- Military Recruiter Upset Area Man Hasn't Called Him Back
- 85 Percent Of U.S. Cole Slaw Remains Uneaten
- Miss Nude America Loses Title After Appearing Clothed In Woman's Day
- Fan-Favorite First Season Of Bush Administration Released On DVD
- Bush Celebrates Millionth Utterance Of 'Lessons Of Sept. 11'
- Congress Approves Of $250 Billion
- Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act
Features
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Sunday Magazine
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This Day In History
July 8, 1987
Americans Outraged By South Africa's Race-Divided Economic System
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Stockwatch
Stock prices for this company continued to rise as the need for professional-looking defence contracts remained strong in the second quarter.
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Sunday Magazine
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National News Highlights
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- BETHESDA, MD—After a contentious town-hall meeting, residents decided that they are ready to get off the fence and declared themselves a part of the Confederacy, thus belatedly tipping the scales of the Civil War in the South's favor.
- WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has still not gathered the will to inform senators from the U.S. Virgin Islands, Oscar Vleck and Elizabeth Pendelton, that they are not really supposed to be there, and indeed aren't really senators.
- COLUMBUS, OH—Classic-car enthusiasts and GLAAD members alike were horrified on Sunday when “God Hates Fags” was found spray-painted on a 1963 Chevrolet Impala Two-Door Hardtop Sport Coupe.
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National News Highlights
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Harold Trudor, 84, finally fixed the doorbell, just in time for no one to ever ring it again. -
National News Highlights
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Sheila Boyke, 47, spent two hours searching for the perfect gourd color combination before taking a cider break. -
Sunday Magazine
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Stockwatch
As the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans.
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National News Highlights
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Jake Marino returned from the depths of the Orient bearing gifts: a baseball hat that says, "Japan," and a novelty necktie that says, "Japan."
Onion Home
Issue Highlights
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Bush Tearfully Addresses Nation After Watching "Field Of Dreams"
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The American Dream: What Does That Part About Kissing The Gym Teacher Mean?
