Recent News
-
Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are
-
College Student Does Nothing For Tibet Over Summer
-
Disney Family Vacation Ruined By Walt Disney Company
-
Co-Worker Just A Little Too Excited About Company Summer Softball League
-
Local Church Spends Six Weeks Organizing Excruciatingly Tedious "Fun Fair"
-
Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President
In Brief
- Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day
- Older Brother To Attempt Unmanned Bike Mission Into Ravine
- Eating Entire Box Of Donuts Not Originally Part Of Evening's Plan
- Small Businessman Conducts Business On Miniature Golf Course
- Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month
- Partygoer Vows To Fix Keg
- Acid Trip Better Planned Than Vacation
Features
-
Sunday Magazine
-
This Day In History
July 17, 1977
President Calls for Calm Following Nipple Sighting on Farrah Fawcett Poster
-
Stockwatch
The fourth quarter outlook for this maker of recreational tar was upgraded as lower crude-oil prices make it easier for customers to remove older product from their faces and reapply a new coat.
-
Sunday Magazine
-
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
- LAREDO, TX—In spite of exhaustive, detailed instructions in the party invitations, hostess Patty Peterson was the only person in attendance observing the Hawaiian-luau theme.
- ANAHEIM, CA—Having completed the first month of his summer job cleaning restrooms at Disneyland, Andrew Peterman, 17, made a secret promise to himself that if and when he ever wins the Super Bowl, he will not be going to Disneyland.
- LOS ANGELES, CA—Executives at Fox have decided to pull the plug on the new lethargy-based American Idle after determining that auditioning 195 million contestants would be a logistical nightmare.
-
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
- HARRISONBURG, VA—Alice Olif found a new use for her old egg-timer after learning that an immigrant enters the United States every 11 seconds.
- SPOONER, WI—Having taken the floor for her first dance as a married woman, harried bride Marie Larson was horrified to learn that "Love Zone" is not a ballad and that Judas Priest is not a Christian rock band.
- CULVER CITY, CA—Angela Macedo had no idea making money as a hair model for first-year cosmetology students was as easy as setting aside all of her pride and self-respect.
-
Sunday Magazine
-
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
After a protracted turf war over the prime knitting table in the Citrus Heights Retirement Community rec room, a fragile détente was brokered between the Wheelies and the Walkers. -
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
Suzy Klessig shrugged and decided to stay married. -
Stockwatch
Internet users responded negatively when they learned the firm's "It's you" ad campaign was aimed directly at Marvin Holochwost, a second-year business major.
-
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
The swirling crimson vortex of ones and zeroes above Google's corporate headquarters turned a bloodier shade of red after swallowing a fifth-grade math whiz visiting on a school field trip.
Onion Home
Issue Highlights
-
Cocktail Party Gets As Wild As It's Going To Get
-
Study: 72 Percent Of High-Fives Unwarranted
