Recent News
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Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are
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College Student Does Nothing For Tibet Over Summer
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Disney Family Vacation Ruined By Walt Disney Company
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Co-Worker Just A Little Too Excited About Company Summer Softball League
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Local Church Spends Six Weeks Organizing Excruciatingly Tedious "Fun Fair"
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Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President
In Brief
- Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day
- Older Brother To Attempt Unmanned Bike Mission Into Ravine
- Eating Entire Box Of Donuts Not Originally Part Of Evening's Plan
- Small Businessman Conducts Business On Miniature Golf Course
- Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month
- Partygoer Vows To Fix Keg
- Acid Trip Better Planned Than Vacation
Features
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Sunday Magazine
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This Day In History
July 17, 1977
President Calls for Calm Following Nipple Sighting on Farrah Fawcett Poster
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Stockwatch
The fourth quarter outlook for this maker of recreational tar was upgraded as lower crude-oil prices make it easier for customers to remove older product from their faces and reapply a new coat.
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Sunday Magazine
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National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
- LAREDO, TX—In spite of exhaustive, detailed instructions in the party invitations, hostess Patty Peterson was the only person in attendance observing the Hawaiian-luau theme.
- ANAHEIM, CA—Having completed the first month of his summer job cleaning restrooms at Disneyland, Andrew Peterman, 17, made a secret promise to himself that if and when he ever wins the Super Bowl, he will not be going to Disneyland.
- LOS ANGELES, CA—Executives at Fox have decided to pull the plug on the new lethargy-based American Idle after determining that auditioning 195 million contestants would be a logistical nightmare.
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National News Highlights
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- HARRISONBURG, VA—Alice Olif found a new use for her old egg-timer after learning that an immigrant enters the United States every 11 seconds.
- SPOONER, WI—Having taken the floor for her first dance as a married woman, harried bride Marie Larson was horrified to learn that "Love Zone" is not a ballad and that Judas Priest is not a Christian rock band.
- CULVER CITY, CA—Angela Macedo had no idea making money as a hair model for first-year cosmetology students was as easy as setting aside all of her pride and self-respect.
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National News Highlights
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Harold Trudor, 84, finally fixed the doorbell, just in time for no one to ever ring it again. -
National News Highlights
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Sheila Boyke, 47, spent two hours searching for the perfect gourd color combination before taking a cider break. -
Sunday Magazine
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Stockwatch
As the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans.
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National News Highlights
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Jake Marino returned from the depths of the Orient bearing gifts: a baseball hat that says, "Japan," and a novelty necktie that says, "Japan."
Onion Home
Issue Highlights
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Cocktail Party Gets As Wild As It's Going To Get
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Study: 72 Percent Of High-Fives Unwarranted
