Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 21, 2007 - July 27, 2007 | Issue 43•29

John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011

AMES, IA—In an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in...

New Eco-Friendly Packaging Triggers Boom In Guilt-Free Littering

issue 4329 | 07.21.07 | News

NEW YORK—Consumers are now able to discard their refuse wherever they please, knowing it will safely decompose in 10 to 20 years. more»
Murder Mystery On Train Not So Fun In Real Life

issue 4329 | 07.20.07 | News

TOMAH, WI—"I thought this thing was supposed to slowly unfold, not drag on forever in some middle-of-nowhere cornfield," complained... more»
No One Admits To Singing, Writing, Producing Nation's No. 1 Song

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—Neither rejected American Idol contestants nor Diddy have come forward as creators of the song, whose sole lyrics are "Baby... more»
Sources: Barista Not Actually Flirting With You

issue 4329 | 07.20.07 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Though she greets you every morning with a smile, sometimes chats with you, and makes sure the chocolate syrup is evenly... more»
AMA: Plastic Surgery 'Only A Few Years Away' From Making Someone Look Better

issue 4329 | 07.19.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—American Medical Association spokeswoman Dr. Marlene German told reporters at a press conference Tuesday that, after nearly a... more»
Loser Older Brother Looked Up To

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 | News In Brief

WORCESTER, MA—Though on probation for shoplifting a key chain from a local auto parts store and unemployed since dropping out of high... more»
New Titanic Film Told From Iceberg's Point Of View

issue 4329 | 07.17.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Director James Cameron told Variety yesterday of his intentions to write and direct the Academy Award–winning... more»
5-Million-Car Pileup Kills Dallas-Fort Worth

issue 4329 | 07.16.07 | News In Brief

DALLAS—The Texas Highway Patrol announced that Dallas and Fort Worth, the state's largest metropolitan area, was killed instantly... more»
Kobayashi Retires From Eating

issue 4329 | 07.19.07 | Sports News

NAGANO, JAPAN—Mere hours after eating what he claims to be his "farewell meal" Tuesday, longtime competitive consumer of comestible goods... more»
Whole Foods CEO Under Inquiry

issue 4329 | 07.20.07 | American Voices

John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, is currently being investigated for anonymously posting to Yahoo investment groups about Wild Oats, which his... more»
Wal-Mart Stocks Christian Toys

issue 4329 | 07.19.07 | American Voices

Starting next month, Wal-Mart will begin selling the One2believe line of Christian toys and action figures. What do you think? more»
Japanese Quake Led To Nuclear Leak

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 | American Voices

A 6.8-magnitude earthquake caused a Japanese nuclear reactor to crack, spilling more than 300 gallons of radioactive water into the ocean. What do... more»
Gilmore Drops Out Of Race

issue 4329 | 07.17.07 | American Voices

James Gilmore III has ended his campaign to be the Republican candidate for president in 2008. What do you think? more»
Humans Hardwired For Faith

issue 4329 | 07.16.07 | American Voices

According to Dr. Andrew Newberg, specific parts of the brain are responsible for the religious feelings humans experience. What do you think? more»
Area Man Feels Guilty For Hating Annoying, Gay Coworker

issue 4329 | 06.26.08 | Radio
Area Teen Has Better Things To Do Than Kick Your Ass

issue 4329 | 07.23.07 | Radio
Doctor Unable To Hide Excitement From Patient With Rare Disease

issue 4329 | 07.22.07 | Radio
Do-It-Yourselfer Drywalls With His Gut

issue 4329 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Miter Saw Not Bringing In Pussy Like Home Depot Guy Said It Would

issue 4329 | 07.19.07 | Radio
Army Of Dead Has No Problem Meeting Recruitment Goals

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 | Radio
Christian Loan Shark Prays For Strength To Break Another Thumb

issue 4329 | 07.17.07 | Radio
Bush Orders F-16 Flyover To Cheer Himself Up

issue 4329 | 07.16.07 | Radio
Dog In Purse Stares Longingly At Dog In Yard

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 | News In Photos
Pentagon To Surround Self With Pentagon Decoys

issue 4329 | 07.17.07 | News In Photos
Girl, That Man Ain't Right For You

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 | Columnists

Girl, when I thought of you getting married to some other man, I nearly went out of my mind. As you know from the many voicemails I left on... more»
I'm Totally Dating A Black Chick

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things got crazy, if you know what I mean. I got sacked from my... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4329 | 07.17.07 | Horoscopes
Workplace Productivity Falling

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 | Infographic

American workplace productivity is slumping, resulting in inflation fears. What is the cause of the productivity dip? more»
Why Are We Switching To Blu-Ray?

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 | Statshot
In The Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?

issue 4329 | 07.19.07 | Video

Panelists discuss a new report that found only 84% of education funding goes to teaching children about whales. more»
Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

issue 4329 | 07.16.07 | Video

Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study. more»
July 20, 1985

issue 4329 | 07.20.07 | Onion In History

Victory! U.S. Wins Vietnam War at Last more»
Mars: Might It Be Haunted?

issue 4329 | 07.20.07 | Sunday Magazine
Overweight Cyclist Walking His Bike For Rest Of Tour De France

issue 4329 | 07.19.07 | Photo Finish
Acquisition Of 3-Hole Punch Triples Intern's Productivity

issue 4329 | 07.18.07 |
Drunk Ex-Boyfriend Didn't Call To Fight

issue 4329 | 07.17.07 |
Battery Shared Between Fire Alarm, Baby Monitor

issue 4329 | 07.17.07 |