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July 28, 2007 - August 3, 2007 | Issue 43•30

Earthquake Sets Japan Back To 2147

TOKYO—Japanese government officials confirmed Monday that the damage wrought on Japan's national infrastructure by the July 16th earthquake—particularly on the country's protective force...

New Theories Suggest Kennedy Wasn't Shot

issue 4330 | 07.28.07 | News

DALLAS, TX—The fatal trauma to Kennedy's head on Nov. 22, 1963 originated internally, some theorists now allege. more»
Butterfly Fuck-Swing Filled With Junk Mail

issue 4330 | 07.27.07 | News

ELMHURST, IL—"The wife and I sure had some crazy times on that thing before we had the baby," said Nathan Moscone, hanging his... more»
Study: Iraqis May Experience Sadness When Friends, Relatives Die

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 | News

BALTIMORE—Are Iraqis capable of experiencing grief on a personal level, like Americans? A new study suggests yes. more»
Final Harry Potter Book Blasted For Containing Spoilers

issue 4330 | 07.27.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Harry Potter fans throughout the world were shocked, disappointed, and outraged to learn last week that J.K. Rowling's... more»
EPA Warns Human Beings No Longer Biodegradable

issue 4330 | 07.26.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The Environmental Protection Agency issued a bulletin Tuesday warning the bodies of American citizens, with their large... more»
New Sitcom Pulls Back The Envelope

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Fox network executives excited about the ground-mending situation comedy Family House, which will debut this fall,... more»
Frustration With Husband Taken Out On Soap Scum

issue 4330 | 07.24.07 | News In Brief

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Local homemaker Darlene Ernst, 37, expressed her frustration with her husband Dean on Tuesday by vigorously scouring... more»
Area Man Can't Wait To Get Home To Look Out New Window

issue 4330 | 07.23.07 | News In Brief

CHESHIRE, OR—Assistant sales manager Steve Gregory, 37, told reporters that he has spent his entire workday waiting for the time when he... more»
Barry Bonds Home-Run Scandal Somehow Becomes Feel-Good Sports Story Of Summer

issue 4330 | 07.26.07 | Sports News

SAN FRANCISCO—Although Barry Bonds remains the target of criticism over his possible—some say almost certain—use of... more»
Farewell, Weekly World News

issue 4330 | 07.27.07 | American Voices

Weekly World News, home to columnist Ed Anger and exclusive coverage of Bat Boy, will cease publication as of August 3. What do you... more»
U.S. City Issues IDs To Illegal Immigrants

issue 4330 | 07.26.07 | American Voices

New Haven, CT is the first city in the nation to offer ID cards to illegal immigrants, thus granting them privileges such as library cards and bank... more»
Drew Carey New Price Host

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 | American Voices

Comedian Drew Carey has been named as Bob Barker's successor as host of The Price Is Right. What do you think? more»
5 Polyps Removed From Bush's Colon

issue 4330 | 07.24.07 | American Voices

Following a routine colonoscopy, doctors removed five small polyps from President Bush. What do you think? more»
Target Sold Illegal Silly String

issue 4330 | 07.23.07 | American Voices

Retailing giant Target has been fined $120,000 for selling illegally-imported silly string that contained hydrochlorofluorocarbons, the propellant... more»
Singer For Puddle Of Mudd Hears A Lot Of Puddle Of Mudd In Today's Bands

issue 4330 | 07.30.07 | Radio
Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite

issue 4330 | 07.29.07 | Radio
Florida Man Dies Totally Differently Than He Lived

issue 4330 | 07.28.07 | Radio
Local Man Won't Eat Anything Unless It's On Fire

issue 4330 | 07.27.07 | Radio
Report: 12-Year-Old Was Under Influence Of Mountain Dew At Time Of Bike Crash

issue 4330 | 07.26.07 | Radio
Bomb-Squad Member Takes 7 Hours To Open Birthday Present

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 | Radio
Vatican Apologizes For Torture, Murder Of Stephen Hawking

issue 4330 | 07.24.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - July 23, 2007

issue 4330 | 07.23.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Highway Billboard Urges 75-Mile Detour

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 | News In Photos
Bush Texting While Mahmoud Abbas Speaks

issue 4330 | 07.24.07 | News In Photos
Adults Have Misclassified Me As A Handful

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 | Commentary

Clearly, a mistake has been made. For whatever reason, I have been singled out and wrongly characterized by the adult world as a "real... more»
No One Sets Out To Be A Smooth Jazz Musician

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 | Commentary

Look, I'm not going to lie to you. Nobody ever just woke up one morning and thought, "Of all the things possible in the vastness that is... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4330 | 07.24.07 | Horoscopes
Dow Jones Reaches 14,000

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 | Infographic

The Dow Jones closed at over 14,000 for the first time last week. What are the contributing factors? more»
How Are We Breaking The Ice?

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 | Statshot
In The Know: Is Our Wealth Hurting Africa’s Feelings?

issue 4330 | 07.26.07 | Video

Panelists discuss whether we should spare Africa's feelings by not telling them about the global economy. more»
Time Releases Annual List Of Least Influential Americans

issue 4330 | 07.23.07 | Video

Time Magazine's eagerly anticipated annual list of the 299 million least influential Americans hits newsstands this week. more»
July 28, 1953

issue 4330 | 07.27.07 | Onion In History

Korean War Ends in Tearful 3-Hour Finale more»
Sides: Are You On the Right One?

issue 4330 | 07.27.07 | Sunday Magazine
Projectile Green Turtle Shell Involved In Controversial IndyCar Race Finish

issue 4330 | 07.26.07 | Photo Finish
Kansas Boy's Pen Pal Clearly Kidnapped

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 |
Pounding From Car Trunk Growing Fainter

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 |
Child's First Language HTML

issue 4330 | 07.25.07 |