Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 4, 2007 - August 10, 2007 | Issue 43•31

Mysterious Congressman Challenges Leading Candidates To Debate At Dawn

WASHINGTON, DC—The Mysterious Congressman, whose presidential campaign continues to be propelled by the dashing, effortless flair with which he exposes the cowardice and duplicity of lesser legislators, challenged presidential candidates of both...

Tragic Event Forces Man To Spend Rest Of Life Confined To Office Chair

issue 4331 | 08.04.07 | News

WILMETTE, IL—The impact of Fahey's employment was so crushing that it has since left the former high school track star paralyzed in front of... more»
Various Deities Still Sorting Through Victims Of Tragic Queens Bus Accident

issue 4331 | 08.03.07 | News

NEW YORK—"The moment we saw that there was someone named 'Hawkwind,' we knew we'd be there for a while," said the Sikh god Waheguru. more»
Activision Reports Sluggish Sales For Sousaphone Hero

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 | News

SANTA MONICA, CA— "I played in career mode for hours and kept feeling like I was playing the same annoying circus tune over and over,"... more»
Indoor Grill Owner Can't Wait For Start Of Autumn

issue 4331 | 08.03.07 | News In Brief

ELGIN, IL—Indoor-cookout enthusiast Tom Lafferty said Monday that he is looking forward to the arrival of autumn so he can "plug in the... more»
Imaginary Brain Tumor Spreading Rapidly

issue 4331 | 08.02.07 | News In Brief

CUMBERLAND, MD—Independent bookstore cashier Jay Graham has an imaginary brain tumor that is quickly spreading through his body and... more»
Heroic Man Rushes Into Movie Theater, Saves 4 Seats

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 | News In Brief

KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—In what eyewitnesses are calling a "selfless display of true courage," moviegoer Michael N. Kincaid, 39, rushed... more»
Counselors Quarantine Homesick Campers

issue 4331 | 07.31.07 | News In Brief

CAMP WALLALONGABANKA, MN—Counselors at Wallalongabanka Sleep-Away Camp say a potentially dangerous outbreak of homesickness has... more»
Demoted Cop Unsure Why Desk Job Considered Punishment

issue 4331 | 07.30.07 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Noting that his new assignment is low-stress and conveniently located next to the vending machines, Chicago Police Department... more»
Craig Biggio Blames Media Pressure For Stalling At 285 Hit-By-Pitches

issue 4331 | 08.02.07 | Sports News

HOUSTON—The intense pressure and scrutiny that comes with attempting to break Major League Baseball's all-time hit-batsman mark, a once-... more»
FEMA Slow To Investigate Toxic Trailers

issue 4331 | 08.03.07 | American Voices

FEMA is under fire for being slow to investigate reports by Hurricane Katrina victims who testified they've fallen ill from high levels of... more»
Tom Snyder Dead At 71

issue 4331 | 08.02.07 | American Voices

Late night talk-show host Tom Snyder died Sunday after a long battle with leukemia. What do you think? more»
Arizona News Choppers Crash

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 | American Voices

Two news helicopters crashed in mid-air while covering a high-speed chase in Phoenix, leaving no survivors. What do you think? more»
Report: Astronauts Flew Drunk

issue 4331 | 07.31.07 | American Voices

An internal review at NASA revealed that some of their astronauts may have been drunk when they boarded shuttle missions into space. What do... more»
Facebook Founder Sued

issue 4331 | 07.30.07 | American Voices

Mark Zuckerberg, creator of the popular social networking site Facebook, is being sued by two former classmates who claim he stole the idea. What... more»
30 Percent Of Man's Wealth Tied Up In Gift Cards

issue 4331 | 08.06.07 | Radio
Pudding Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

issue 4331 | 08.05.07 | Radio
Insurance Executive Fakes Own Life

issue 4331 | 08.04.07 | Radio
New Jimmy Buffett Song 'Cold Weather and Personal Responsibility' Disappoints Long-Time Fans

issue 4331 | 08.03.07 | Radio
Hooker Refuses To Take More Sex As Payment

issue 4331 | 08.02.07 | Radio
Arby's Debuts New Post-Apocalyptic Sandwich Deals

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 | Radio
World War II Veterans Called Back To Fight In Iraq

issue 4331 | 07.31.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - July 30, 2007

issue 4331 | 07.30.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Man Running Aimlessly With Olympic Torch For Past 3 Years

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 | News In Photos
Nicole Richie's Beautiful Figure Ruined By Pregnancy

issue 4331 | 07.31.07 | News In Photos
There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 | Commentary

Ever since I snagged this gig as White House communications director last year, I've gotten my fair share of condolences from friends and... more»
My Man's Intuition Tells Me My Neighbor Wants To Sleep With Me

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 | Commentary

I don't even know what you'd call it—a sixth sense, a little voice, a certain gut feeling—but every man has a special,... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4331 | 07.31.07 | Horoscopes
Attorney General Under Scrutiny

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 | Infographic

Lawmakers have raised questions about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' recent testimony to Congress, demanding a perjury investigation.... more»
What's Getting Us Down?

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 | Statshot
NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

issue 4331 | 12.25.07 | Video

On the eve of the Sears Classic 500, legendary NASCAR coach Dan Amon shares his strategy for driving really fast in circles. more»
Live From Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls For A Ladies' Night Out

issue 4331 | 08.02.07 | Video

Rep. Juliana Hardy's resolution would provide a well-deserved night on the town for her and best friend Rep. Lisa Jean Conroy. more»
Death In America

issue 4331 | 07.31.07 | Slideshow
August 6, 1903

issue 4331 | 08.03.07 | Onion In History

Black Still Color Of Choice This Fall more»
Could Somebody Be Right Behind You?

issue 4331 | 08.03.07 | Sunday Magazine
Steve Young Pretty Sure He Remembers Bill Walsh

issue 4331 | 08.02.07 | Photo Finish
Egyptologists Discover Cure For Egypt

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 |
Conservationists Warn Of Dwindling Ham Population In Black Forest

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 |
Casting Director Casts Self

issue 4331 | 08.01.07 |