Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 11, 2007 - August 17, 2007 | Issue 43•32

DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo

PHOENIX—Years of controversy were finally settled Monday after DNA tests conclusively proved that Duane Panovich, an attraction at the Phoenix Zoo for the past 11 years, was indeed a human being, and not a reticulated giraffe from southwestern...

Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie

issue 4332 | 08.11.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—Affleck envisioned the sidekick as being taller and slightly beefier the Bourne, and who would always look out for his best friend. more»
Minimum-Wage Hike Celebrated With Name-Brand Ketchup

issue 4332 | 08.10.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—"Another couple dozen wage increases and we'll be swimming in Heinz, or at least my grandchildren will," said one... more»
Small Town Holds Annual Gay Shame Parade

issue 4332 | 08.08.07 | News

GRAND PLAINS, NE—A family deals with the anguish of realizing their son is a sinner in one of this year's most popular floats. more»
Teen's Eulogy Mostly Nickelback Lyrics

issue 4332 | 08.10.07 | News In Brief

FORT WAYNE, IN—A eulogy delivered at St. John's Church yesterday by Joshua Gable, 16, for his late friend Darren Hall, 16, was... more»
New Lion Tamer Shocked By Vast Amount Of Paperwork

issue 4332 | 08.09.07 | News In Brief

BARABOO, WI—Traveling circus performer Scott Mueller, who said he has dreamed of becoming a lion tamer since childhood, was dismayed... more»
Report: Iran Less Than 10 Years Away From 2016

issue 4332 | 08.08.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to an alarming new Department of Defense report combining civilian, military, and calendric evidence, Iran may... more»
Tom Clancy Really Happy With How Latest Video Game With His Name On It Came Out

issue 4332 | 08.07.07 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—New York Times–bestselling author and noted putter-of-his-name-on-things Tom Clancy announced Monday that he is... more»
McCain Late To Debate Due To Greyhound Delays

issue 4332 | 08.06.07 | News In Brief

DES MOINES, IA—Citing a series of unanticipated disruptions to the Greyhound bus service, a red-faced and breathless Sen. John McCain... more»
Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation

issue 4332 | 08.09.07 | Sports News

SAN FRANCISCO—A sellout crowd rose to its feet and exploded into ecstatic cheers Tuesday night as Barry Bonds completed the downfall of... more»
Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving

issue 4332 | 08.10.07 | American Voices

According to a new poll, 89 percent of Americans questioned believe that text-messaging while driving should be against the law. What do you... more»
Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed

issue 4332 | 08.09.07 | American Voices

Grand Theft Auto 4, the latest installment of Take Two Interactive's extremely popular video game series, will be delayed until after Christmas of... more»
190,000 Guns Lost In Iraq

issue 4332 | 08.08.07 | American Voices

The Pentagon has lost track of nearly 190,000 guns that were given to Iraqi security forces. What do you think? more»
Congress Approves Surveillance Measures

issue 4332 | 08.07.07 | American Voices

The Democratic-controlled House passed a bill that will allow wide-ranging domestic and foreign eavesdropping that would be authorized by a secret... more»
California Voting Machines Hacked

issue 4332 | 08.06.07 | American Voices

A team of hackers commissioned to test the security of California's voting machines were able to find several security flaws that enabled them to... more»
Your Cousin Says Prison Food Not So Bad

issue 4332 | 08.10.07 | Radio
New York Tourist Acting Like She's Never Been Hit By Cab Before

issue 4332 | 08.09.07 | Radio
Department Of Defense Locked Out Of Pentagon Again

issue 4332 | 08.08.07 | Radio
Area Coroner To Work From Home Today

issue 4332 | 08.07.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - August 6, 2007

issue 4332 | 08.06.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Drew Carey Signs 75-Year Contract To Host The Price Is Right

issue 4332 | 08.08.07 | News In Photos
Unconsciousness Faked To Make Anesthesiologist Feel Better

issue 4332 | 08.07.07 | News In Photos
Everyone Should Own A Gun For Protection And Possibly For Suicide

issue 4332 | 08.08.07 | Commentary

For as long as I can remember, our Second Amendment right to own firearms has been under relentless attack. Opponents say having guns... more»
This Week, Let's Try A Reading From The Bible I Wrote

issue 4332 | 08.08.07 | Commentary

Excuse me, Reverend Dave? Before we begin, I'd like to make a small suggestion. Now, I know we're all anxious to find out what happens to... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4332 | 08.07.07 | Horoscopes
Murdoch Buying Dow Jones

issue 4332 | 08.08.07 | Infographic

After years of planning and negotiation, media mogul Rupert Murdoch will be buying Dow Jones and The Wall Street Journal for $5... more»
Who Are We Adding In Photoshop?

issue 4332 | 08.08.07 | Statshot
In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?

issue 4332 | 08.09.07 | Video

Our panelists discuss whether taunting and insults would be an effective strategy to help America's obese children lose weight. more»
Human Head Found In Hamburger

issue 4332 | 08.06.07 | Video

An Albany, New York man was surprised to find a human head in his Double Whopper at a local Burger King. more»
Jobs In America

issue 4332 | 08.07.07 | Slideshow
Aug. 10, 1995

issue 4332 | 08.10.07 | Onion In History

O.J. Finds Killer more»
Is Your Babysitter On Your Drugs?

issue 4332 | 08.10.07 | Sunday Magazine
Michael Irvin Demands Bigger, ‘Golder’ Hall Of Fame Bust

issue 4332 | 08.09.07 | Photo Finish
Visible Part Of Baguette Consumed On Way Home

issue 4332 | 08.07.07 |
Celebratory Hardware Store Customer Buys Everyone A Round Of Drywall Screws

issue 4332 | 08.07.07 |
Man Texting While Driving Hits Man Texting While Walking

issue 4332 | 08.07.07 |