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August 18, 2007 - August 24, 2007 | Issue 43•33

Pipe Cleaners, Googly Eyes Cut From Elementary School Arts Budget

PARAMUS, NJ—With students set to arrive in about three weeks, teachers at Washington Street Elementary School were scrambling Monday to deal with a new round of...

Space Tourist Spends Entire Vacation Inside Space Shuttle

issue 4333 | 08.18.07 | News

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—"What's the point of traveling three million miles if you're just going to sit around some orbital craft all day?"... more»
Self-Help Lecture Attendees Surprised To Hear Speaker Was Once Just Like Them

issue 4333 | 08.17.07 | News

IRVINE, TX—Participants were skeptical of motivational speaker Martin Vaughan's claims until they heard that he was, at one time, also... more»
U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The re-hanging, which will be aired on all major networks, will be "brighter, cheerier, and more upbeat" than the first... more»
Day Spent On Internet Comes Full Circle

issue 4333 | 08.17.07 | News In Brief

DAYTON, OH—A day of web surfing poetically ended just as it began Monday, when a random string of links brought area man Howard Nagel... more»
Nude Model Suspects She's Posing For Civics Class

issue 4333 | 08.16.07 | News In Brief

DOVER, DE—Model Sherri Rawlings, 24, told reporters yesterday that she has a "lingering feeling" that, for the past week, she has been... more»
Area Man Meets That Special Someone Else

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | News In Brief

DENVER—Husband and father of three Hank Glass, 37, told reporters Monday that his life finally has a purpose now that he has met that... more»
Churchgoer Tips God For Excellent Week

issue 4333 | 08.14.07 | News In Brief

CHARLESTON, SC—Churchgoer Brad Thaden, 48, reportedly tipped God a little something extra Sunday, claiming that the Almighty had done... more»
Local Man Vows Revenge Against Atlantic Ocean

issue 4333 | 08.13.07 | News In Brief

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Following a harrowing experience last Thursday in which vacationer Seth Harris got caught in the Atlantic Ocean's... more»
Fucking Yankees, Reports Nation

issue 4333 | 08.16.07 | Sports News

BOSTON—Moments after the New York Yankees continued a month-long stretch that has seen them climb from the bottom of the AL East to pull... more»
Fewer Mexicans Sending Money Home

issue 4333 | 08.17.07 | American Voices

Anticipating a move back home, the percentage of Mexicans sending money to family in their native country fell from 71 percent last year to 64... more»
Chinese Won't Dump Dollar

issue 4333 | 08.16.07 | American Voices

In the face of numerous U.S. economic woes, the Chinese government has expressed their confidence in the strength of the dollar, dispelling... more»
War Czar Considering Draft

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | American Voices

In a recent interview, Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute said that it made sense to consider the possibility of a draft. What do you think? more»
Karl Rove Resigns

issue 4333 | 08.14.07 | American Voices

In an interview with The Wall Street Journal, Bush adviser Karl Rove said that he would leave his White House post at the end of August and... more»
Baby Einstein DVDs Don't Work

issue 4333 | 08.13.07 | American Voices

A research team at the University of Washington has determined that babies watching television for an hour a day learned less vocabulary than... more»
Transplant Recipient Still Getting Feel For New Pancreas

issue 4333 | 08.20.07 | Radio
Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death

issue 4333 | 08.19.07 | Radio
Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding

issue 4333 | 08.18.07 | Radio
17-Year Locusts Can't Believe Red Hot Chili Peppers Are Still Around

issue 4333 | 08.17.07 | Radio
Lottery Winner Finally Fulfills Her Tackiest Dreams

issue 4333 | 08.16.07 | Radio
Millions Of Houses Left Abandoned This Morning

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | Radio
Fitness Buff Faces Long, Drawn-Out Death

issue 4333 | 08.14.07 | Radio
Science-Fair Carny Correctly Guesses Atomic Weight

issue 4333 | 08.13.07 | Radio
Another Comedian Ruined By Parenthood

issue 4333 | 08.12.07 | Radio
Chinese Announce Alliance With The Ants

issue 4333 | 08.11.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - August 13, 2007

issue 4333 | 08.13.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Merv Griffin Leaves Lifetime Supply Of Jiffy Pop To Charity

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | News In Photos
Grandma Can Still Feel Draft

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | News In Photos
Bluetooth Headset Worn Throughout Date

issue 4333 | 08.14.07 | News In Photos
All You Had To Say Was 'Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin' And I Was Sold

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | Commentary

Listen—stop talking. I don't need to hear the rest. The first half of the sentence was genius! "Owen Wilson befriends a dolphin... more»
As A Working Mom, It's Hard To Find Time To Masturbate

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | Commentary

As a single mother of three with a full-time career, I've got a lot on my plate. Between making the children's breakfast in the morning and... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4333 | 08.14.07 | Horoscopes
America's Aging Infrastructure

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | Infographic

Recent incidents, including a bridge collapse in Minneapolis and a steam tunnel explosion in New York City, have brought the nation's aging... more»
How Are We Paying Off Our Subprime Mortgages?

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 | Statshot
In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote

issue 4333 | 08.16.07 | Video

Panelists discuss the "idgit," or idiot, voter -- the unpredictable, uninformed demographic that invariably decides elections. more»
'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

issue 4333 | 08.13.07 | Video

Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military. more»
Aug. 17, 1977

issue 4333 | 08.17.07 | Onion In History

Carter to Congress: 'What's Your 20, Good Buddy?' more»
The Smug Little Shit Behind The Latest Internet Phenomenon

issue 4333 | 08.17.07 | Sunday Magazine
Penny Hardaway's Press Conference Ruined By Sass-Talking Doll

issue 4333 | 08.16.07 | Photo Finish
Rove: 'My Job Getting Unqualified Politicians Elected By Manipulating The Media And Polarizing The Voting Public In Order To Push Through A Secretive Agenda Here Is Done'

issue 4333 | 08.15.07 |