Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 25, 2007 - August 31, 2007 | Issue 43•34

Brookstone Scientists 10 Years Away From Towel Alarm Clock

MERRIMACK, NH—Just two years after unveiling the talking remote-controlled meat thermometer and the telescope with an mp4 player, scientists at Brookstone, Inc., reported Tuesday that the towel...

Future Of Genteel Town In Jeopardy As Doily Factory Closes

issue 4334 | 08.25.07 | News

HONEYSUCKLE CORNERS, MO—The town's citizens were once the most prosperous in the region, with nearly 75% gingerbread-house ownership and an... more»
Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy

issue 4334 | 08.24.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Armed with neatly lettered signs, the mob angrily chanted "Down With the Idea of Executive Privilege, Both In General And As It... more»
FDA Approves Seconds

issue 4334 | 08.22.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Once restricted to only those who had been extra good, seconds will now be made available to the general public in... more»
Poet Takes Extra 5 Minutes To Vague Up Poem

issue 4334 | 08.24.07 | News In Brief

ANN ARBOR, MI—After completing a poem originally titled "Last Dawnbreak," local poet Keith Taylor spent five additional minutes... more»
Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries

issue 4334 | 08.23.07 | News In Brief

MUNDELEIN, IL—A legendary Burger King employee, known across the land for the heroic and selfless deed of randomly inserting a single... more»
Neither Person In Conversation Knows What Hedge Fund Is

issue 4334 | 08.22.07 | News In Brief

ASHLAND, OH—Despite their in-depth, seven-minute discussion on the pros and cons of hedge funds, neither Matthew Talbert, 27, nor Louis... more»
No One In Women's Shelter Able To Cook Decent Meal

issue 4334 | 08.21.07 | News In Brief

CLEVELAND—Despite having no other household responsibilities to occupy their time, none of the residents of the Cleveland YWCA... more»
Hard To Tell If Wikipedia Entry On Dada Has Been Vandalized Or Not

issue 4334 | 08.20.07 | News In Brief

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—The Wikipedia entry on Dada—the World War I–era "anti-art" movement characterized by random nonsense... more»
Peyton Manning Shows His Backup Proper Way To Hold Clipboard

issue 4334 | 08.23.07 | Sports News

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning interrupted an intrasquad scrimmage Tuesday for approximately 45 minutes in... more»
Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing

issue 4334 | 08.24.07 | American Voices

Since 1997, the use of prescription painkillers in the United States has risen 88 percent, and oxyxocone, the main ingredient in OxyContin, has... more»
Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace

issue 4334 | 08.23.07 | American Voices

A new study shows that smokers have a poorer-than-average work performance and call in sick more than non-smokers. What do you think? more»
Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown

issue 4334 | 08.22.07 | American Voices

Citing "shrinkage" as a factor in recent poor performance, Wal-Mart is instituting a number of anti-shoplifting policies, including prosecuting... more»
California Raises Malt Beverage Tax

issue 4334 | 08.21.07 | American Voices

Responding to criticism that liquor companies were targeting underage drinkers, the California legislature voted to raise the taxes on sweetened... more»
Norwegian Princess Talks To Angels

issue 4334 | 08.20.07 | American Voices

Norway's Princess Martha Louise claims to have psychic powers and can teach people to communicate with angels. What do you think? more»
Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'

issue 4334 | 08.26.07 | Radio
Defense Attorneys Argue Raped Environment Led Polluters On

issue 4334 | 08.25.07 | Radio
Custody Fight Thrown

issue 4334 | 08.24.07 | Radio
Report: Diary Of Anne Frank May Have Hurt Numerous S.S. Officers' Feelings

issue 4334 | 08.23.07 | Radio
World's Dietitians Urge America To Reduce Mayonnaise Footprint

issue 4334 | 08.22.07 | Radio
Failure In Iraq Blamed On White House Intern

issue 4334 | 08.21.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - August 20, 2007

issue 4334 | 08.20.07 | Editorial Cartoon
News Van Driver Sick Of Helping Anchors Move

issue 4334 | 08.22.07 | News In Photos
Bratz Movie Accidentally Released

issue 4334 | 08.21.07 | News In Photos
Now That I'm A Titan Of Industry, It's Time To Become A Titan Of Friendship

issue 4334 | 08.22.07 | Commentary

There's nothing quite like the thrill one gets from a successful corporate takeover. It took decades of capital accumulation and countless... more»
This Gap Sweater Is Fucking Awesome

issue 4334 | 08.22.07 | Commentary

So, I'm in the Gap, right? The new fall line is out, and I'm looking at the standard fit, straight-leg jeans. And these fuckers are just... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4334 | 08.21.07 | Horoscopes
Record Flight Delays

issue 4334 | 08.22.07 | Infographic

This summer has been one of the worst in recent years for flight delays, particularly for passengers stuck on the runway. Here are some of... more»
What Do Friends Say Behind Our Backs?

issue 4334 | 08.22.07 | Statshot
Live From Congress: The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007

issue 4334 | 08.23.07 | Video

U.S. Rep. Benjamin Sinclair (R-OH) has a plan to reduce skull fucking levels in America by 5 to 7 percent. more»
World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100

issue 4334 | 08.20.07 | Video

Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain. more»
Commuting

issue 4334 | 08.21.07 | Slideshow
I Haven't Actually Been Touched By A Man In 10 Years

issue 4334 | 08.24.07 | Sunday Magazine
Aug. 27, 1920

issue 4334 | 08.24.07 | Onion In History

Women Get Vote, Rest Rooms more»
NFL Reports Strong Sales Of Michael Vick's 2008 Jersey

issue 4334 | 08.23.07 | Photo Finish
Baby Given Cat's Room

issue 4334 | 08.21.07 |
New Prosthetic Fist May Allow Man To Punch Again

issue 4334 | 08.21.07 |