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September 22, 2007 - September 28, 2007 | Issue 43•38

Sequel-Hungry Nation Demands Production of Click II

LOS ANGELES—As the summer movie season comes to an end, hundreds of thousands of deeply disappointed moviegoers converged on Los Angeles this weekend to demand that Hollywood finally honor their...

Rhino, Tickbird Stuck In Dead-End Symbiotic Relationship

issue 4338 | 09.22.07 | News

POLOKWANE, SOUTH AFRICA—"We just go through the motions and there's hardly any communication. I get on top and take the parasites off... more»
Area Man Has Sad Little Routine For When He Needs Cheering Up

issue 4338 | 09.21.07 | News

TIPTON, IN—To raise his spirits, Wes Mendic holds a "mini-Thanksgiving," which consists of microwaved turkey medallions, canned cranberry... more»
14 American Apparel Models Freed In Daring Midnight Raid

issue 4338 | 09.19.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—"There were girls everywhere," FBI agent Curtis Froman said. "Draped over furniture, sprawled spread-eagled in the corner, and... more»
Arby's CEO Arrested With Trunk Full Of Stolen Horsey Sauce

issue 4338 | 09.21.07 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—Arby's CEO Roland Smith was arrested and charged with unlawful possession of a controlled condiment Tuesday when a Georgia... more»
Exhausted Doctor To Wake Up Early, Finish Surgery In Morning

issue 4338 | 09.20.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Just moments after successfully stopping his patient's heart at 10:30 p.m. Tuesday, bleary-eyed surgeon Dr. Dennis Kelly... more»
Coworker Not Nearly As Fun Drunk As Originally Suspected

issue 4338 | 09.19.07 | News In Brief

WOBURN, MA—Accustomed to his fun, easygoing personality and solid status as the office cutup, Nick Bianchi's coworkers at Pierce... more»
Fred Thompson Fears Presidential Run Will Typecast Him As Politician

issue 4338 | 09.18.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Veteran character actor and Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson expressed worries to reporters Tuesday that... more»
Science Fiction Writer Admits Unstoppable Killing Machine Based On Mother

issue 4338 | 09.17.07 | News In Brief

SEATTLE—At a book signing Tuesday, science fiction writer Ryan Lowell shocked fans when he confessed that the 300-ton,... more»
Confiscated Patriots Videotapes Contain Extensive Footage Of Tom Brady Showering

issue 4338 | 09.20.07 | Sports News

NEW YORK—The hundreds of hours of game and practice scouting videotapes that league officials seized from the New England Patriots also... more»
Peruvians' Mysterious Illness

issue 4338 | 09.24.07 | American Voices

Nearly 150 Peruvians claim that they have been made ill by a meteor that crashed in Carangas a week ago. What do you think? more»
Phil Spector Jury Deadlocked

issue 4338 | 09.21.07 | American Voices

After seven days of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of legendary rock producer Phil Spector said they were unable to reach a consensus.... more»
Madonna An 'Ambassador For Judaism'

issue 4338 | 09.20.07 | American Voices

Madonna, meeting with Israeli President Shimon Peres, told him that she was an ambassador for Judaism, despite not being Jewish herself. What do... more»
Microsoft Fine Upheld In Court

issue 4338 | 09.19.07 | American Voices

Europe's second highest court recently upheld the European Commission's 2004 decision to fine Microsoft 497 million euros for antitrust violations.... more»
France Says Prepare For Iran War

issue 4338 | 09.18.07 | American Voices

France: 'Prepare For War With Iran' France's Foreign Minister, Bernard Kouchner said that the world must prepare for the prospect of war if Iran... more»
Russia Tests Largest Conventional Bomb

issue 4338 | 09.17.07 | American Voices

Russia successfully tested the largest airborne non-nuclear bomb, delivering a blast four times more powerful than the U.S.' "Mother of All Bombs." more»
ATF Agent Also ATF Connoisseur

issue 4338 | 09.24.07 | Radio
Heroic Cancer Sufferer Inspires Others To Get Cancer

issue 4338 | 09.23.07 | Radio
Crazy Man Announces Plan To Stand In Doorway, Yell At Cars

issue 4338 | 09.22.07 | Radio
Childhood Enemies Rekindle Childhood Hatred

issue 4338 | 09.21.07 | Radio
Loss Of Tattooed Arm Even More Devastating For Area Man

issue 4338 | 09.20.07 | Radio
Unemployed Karl Rove Forced To Live On Canned Babies

issue 4338 | 09.19.07 | Radio
God Spending All His Time At Billy's House

issue 4338 | 09.18.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - September 17, 2007

issue 4338 | 09.17.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Mike Johanns Only One Showing Up To Cabinet Meetings Now

issue 4338 | 09.18.07 | News In Photos
NASA Launches Probe To Find, Destroy Earth-Like Planet

issue 4338 | 09.18.07 | News In Photos
I Couldn't Possibly Accept Your Offer Of Basic Cable Plus Showtime For Just $33 Per Month

issue 4338 | 09.19.07 | Commentary

Let me start by saying that I am flattered by this gesture. We barely know each other, and you come to me with this—well, there's no... more»
Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Jury, Marry Me

issue 4338 | 09.19.07 | Commentary

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client, Mr. Hayes, has been accused of a most heinous crime. An unspeakable crime. Over the past few... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4338 | 09.18.07 | Horoscopes
Putting Pressure On Iran

issue 4338 | 09.19.07 | Infographic

The White House is looking at deterring the Iranian nuclear program with new sanctions. What measures have been proposed? more»
Who's Overstaying Their Welcome?

issue 4338 | 09.19.07 | Statshot
In The Know: White House Announces 'Everything Is Great In Iraf'

issue 4338 | 09.20.07 | Video

Panelists discuss why the media and public are not paying more attention to the overwhelming success of the U.S.'s invasion of Iraf. more»
Domestic Abuse No Longer A Problem, Say Bruised Female Researchers

issue 4338 | 09.17.07 | Video

According to a team of female researchers who all recently sustained injuries due to various accidents, domestic abuse does not exist. more»
Evidence From The Case

issue 4338 | 09.17.07 | Slideshow
15 Awesome Lies About Hillary Clinton

issue 4338 | 09.21.07 | Sunday Magazine
Bengals: Current Chad Johnson Not The Same Man Who Jumped Into Browns Stands

issue 4338 | 09.20.07 | Photo Finish
Prisoner Now Wishes He Hadn't Turned Toothbrush Into Shiv

issue 4338 | 09.19.07 |
Dollar Store Cashier Can't Believe Family Keeps Toddler Naked This Late In The Year

issue 4338 | 09.18.07 |
Lost Dog Probably Better Off

issue 4338 | 09.18.07 |