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September 29, 2007 - October 5, 2007 | Issue 43•39

Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work

WASHINGTON, DC—In an unexpected move that shocked White House staff and stunned the nation, President George W. Bush arrived unannounced at the Oval Office Monday. ..

New Fig Newtons Ad Preys On Inherent Human Weakness

issue 4339 | 09.29.07 | News

NEW YORK—"Flattery, pride, self-aggrandizement, fear of rejection: This latest Fig Newtons ad campaign hits on all cylinders," a delighted... more»
Chinese Authorities Execute 10 Million Recalled Toys

issue 4339 | 09.24.07 | News

BEIJING—So far, 9 to 10 million faulty toys have been kicked, shocked, hanged, pounded with nails, had their ears severed and eyes gouged out,... more»
Scientists Ask Congress To Fund $50 Billion Science Thing

issue 4339 | 09.28.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC— "I agree we need this scientific apparatus, because, in the end, science is more important than it is unimportant," Rep. Bart... more»
Texans Elect Gun

issue 4339 | 11.04.97 | News

AUSTIN, TX—In a landslide decision, the people of Texas elected a .44-caliber revolver to the U.S. Senate. more»
Class Clown Has Nothing On Wilmot Proviso

issue 4339 | 09.28.07 | News In Brief

KENNESAW, GA—During his American history class at Hebron Elementary School Wednesday, fifth-grader Jake Hensley was unable to produce... more»
Every Bill Reminds Congressman Of Ex-Wife

issue 4339 | 09.27.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Ever since his divorce from his wife of 22 years became final in June, Rep. Chuck Brunet (R-NC) sees "Mary's face in... more»
Google Launches 'The Google' For Older Adults

issue 4339 | 09.26.07 | News In Brief

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The popular search engine Google announced plans Friday to launch a new site, TheGoogle.com, to appeal to older adults... more»
Guy At Bar Had Similar Experience, But Better

issue 4339 | 09.25.07 | News In Brief

KENT, OH—A story narrated to a group of friends Friday night was almost immediately overshadowed by an anecdote from 28-year-old John... more»
New Wes Anderson Film Features Deadpan Delivery, Meticulous Art Direction, Characters With Father Issues

issue 4339 | 09.24.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Fans who attended a sneak preview Monday of critically acclaimed director Wes Anderson's newest project, The... more»
Over-Optimistic NFL Doctor Says Injured Bills Player Kevin Everett Will Fly Out Of Hospital

issue 4339 | 09.27.07 | Sports News

HOUSTON—Less than a month after Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett suffered a life-threatening dislocation and fracture of his cervical... more»
Utah Polygamist Convicted

issue 4339 | 09.28.07 | American Voices

Warren Jeffs, the leader of a polygamous Mormon splinter group, was found guilty of being an accomplice to rape for marrying a 14-year-old girl to... more»
Starbucks Music Giveaway

issue 4339 | 09.27.07 | American Voices

Starbucks announced that they would be giving away 1.5 million songs a day for one month to promote their music arm and iTunes deal. What do... more»
Steroid Bust Nets 124

issue 4339 | 09.26.07 | American Voices

The DEA participated in an international steroid sweep that resulted in the arrest of 124 people, as well as the seizure of 11.4 million doses of... more»
Marcel Marceau Dead

issue 4339 | 09.25.07 | American Voices

Famed French mime Marcel Marceau is dead at 84. What do you think? more»
Lazy Scientist Leaves Sink Full Of Dirty Molecules

issue 4339 | 10.01.07 | Radio
Spokeswoman Gives Birth To Spokeschild

issue 4339 | 09.30.07 | Radio
Guy At Bank Has Weird Hair For Guy Who Works At Bank

issue 4339 | 09.29.07 | Radio
Eskimo Chef Works Magic With Blubber, Moss

issue 4339 | 09.28.07 | Radio
Shipwrecked Carnival Cruise Passengers Abandon Maritime Buffet Rules

issue 4339 | 09.27.07 | Radio
2008 Hamas Calendar Features Photos Of Stuff They've Blown Up

issue 4339 | 09.26.07 | Radio
Britney Spears Leaves Mysterious Stain On The Red Carpet

issue 4339 | 09.25.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - September 24, 2007

issue 4339 | 09.24.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Japanese Prime Minister Resigns To Seek Revenge On Man Who Killed His Family

issue 4339 | 09.26.07 | News In Photos
Pants Attempt To Convey What Owner Can't

issue 4339 | 09.25.07 | News In Photos
No Police Report Can Truly Capture My Love Of Drunk Driving

issue 4339 | 09.26.07 | Commentary

If you were to go by the public records alone, you'd get the wrong impression of me. You'd think that I was some kind of common lawbreaker... more»
I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord

issue 4339 | 09.26.07 | Commentary

With Jesus as my personal Savior, I felt like I had it all. But then we hit a rough patch, and before long, I was beginning to question both... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4339 | 09.25.07 | Horoscopes
Dollar Weakest In 31 Years

issue 4339 | 09.26.07 | Infographic

For the first time since 1976, the Canadian dollar has achieved parity with the American dollar. What are the factors behind the slide of... more»
What's Our Evacuation Plan?

issue 4339 | 09.26.07 | Statshot
Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda With Patriotic New Song ‘Bomb New York’

issue 4339 | 10.01.07 | Video

A group of country music's biggest stars have a message for terrorists: you can't hurt America by blowing up New York City. more»
In The Know: Situation In Nigeria Seems Pretty Complex

issue 4339 | 09.27.07 | Video

Panelists discuss the complicated issues facing Nigeria or Niger. more»
African-American Boycott of L.L. Bean Enters 80th Year

issue 4339 | 09.25.07 | Video

The CEO of L.L. Bean pleads with black leaders to forgive his company for whatever it's done to cause this decades-long boycott. more»
Sept. 28, 1964

issue 4339 | 09.28.07 | Onion In History

Malcolm X: 'I Also Have a Dream' more»
Can China Host The Olympics Without Murdering Thousands?

issue 4339 | 09.28.07 | Sunday Magazine
Windup-Less Pitcher Giving Batter Fits

issue 4339 | 09.27.07 | Photo Finish
Home Phone Hasn't Rung In 3 Years

issue 4339 | 09.26.07 |
Entire GameStop Staff Summoned To Compliment Customer's T-Shirt

issue 4339 | 09.25.07 |
We Should Hang Out Soon,' Reports Man You Won't See For 5 Months

issue 4339 | 09.25.07 |