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October 6, 2007 - October 12, 2007 | Issue 43•40

That Full House Episode Where They Meet The Beach Boys Is On Tomorrow At 3 P.M.

WASHINGTON, DC—The United States was placed on high alert this morning as the Department of Homeland Security revealed credible evidence suggesting that tomorrow afternoon at approximately 3 p.m., 2 p.m. Central, ABC Family Channel will air that...

Karate Lessons Give Child Self-Confidence To Quit Karate

issue 4340 | 10.06.07 | News

DENVER—"When Daniel first showed up, he was like many of the kids we see – timid and unsure of himself. But look at him now: he's... more»
Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year

issue 4340 | 10.05.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC —Thanks to the group's tireless efforts, six generations of civilians have never known the cruelty and duress of quartering... more»
New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love

issue 4340 | 10.03.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC —"He broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed as he normally does after heart surgery. But then he hugged me,"... more»
Aunt Threatens To Devour Helpless Newborn's Toes

issue 4340 | 10.05.07 | News In Brief

WALDEN, TN—While family members stood silently by and did nothing, visiting aunt Debbie Koeler proclaimed her desire to consume the... more»
Webster's Reluctantly Adds 'Melty' To English Lexicon

issue 4340 | 10.04.07 | News In Brief

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Representatives from Merriam-Webster grudgingly announced Tuesday that, due to the Taco Bell–coined term's... more»
Date Of Apple Backlash Set For March 21, 2008

issue 4340 | 10.03.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In the face of Apple, Inc.'s 3- billionth iTunes sale and soaring stock price, some Wall Street forecasters are predicting... more»
Suicide Note Makes Convincing Case

issue 4340 | 10.02.07 | News In Brief

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Though friends and family of Michael Swinton, 15, were initially devastasted upon hearing the news of his recent... more»
Overuse Of Enzyme-Based Cleaners May Be Causing Highly Resistant Superstains

issue 4340 | 10.01.07 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—The American Association of Laundry Workers released a startling new report Thursday warning against the use of enzyme-based... more»
Yankees Decline Wild Card

issue 4340 | 10.04.07 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Saying the American League wild-card bid is "beneath the dignity of the Yankees organization" and "an affront to everything [we]... more»
North Korea Dismantling Nuclear Program

issue 4340 | 10.05.07 | American Voices

North Korea will disable all nuclear projects and dismantle its Yongblon nuclear reactor with in exchange for U.S. aid. What do you think? more»
Arkansas Nuns Excommunicated

issue 4340 | 10.04.07 | American Voices

Six nuns in Arkansas were excommunicated from the Catholic Church for heresy after failing to leave a Canadian sect run by a woman claiming to be... more»
Newt Won't Run

issue 4340 | 10.02.07 | American Voices

Stating that the current campaign finance laws preclude a "middle-class candidate" from running for president, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich... more»
Western Gorilla Almost Extinct

issue 4340 | 10.01.07 | American Voices

According to the Western Conservation Union, the Western Gorilla is now closer than ever to global extinction. What do you think? more»
New Report Puts America Behind In Psychic-Prediction Race

issue 4340 | 10.08.07 | Radio
Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible

issue 4340 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Most Terrorists Fail To Start Day With Good Breakfast

issue 4340 | 10.06.07 | Radio
Girl You Came With Seems More Interested In Talking To Mr. Slicko Over There

issue 4340 | 10.05.07 | Radio
Mother Worries CEO Son Might Fall Out Of Corner-Office Window

issue 4340 | 10.04.07 | Radio
Real-Life Beverly Hillbillies Stripped Of Assets By Oil Company Lawyers

issue 4340 | 10.03.07 | Radio
Dame Walks In WIth Legs Up To Here

issue 4340 | 10.02.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 1, 2007

issue 4340 | 10.01.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Vicious, Man-Eating Carnivores On Decline In Arctic

issue 4340 | 10.03.07 | News In Photos
Vagina Medicine Left Out Where Anyone Can See It

issue 4340 | 10.02.07 | News In Photos
Son, You've Made A Mockery Of Taco Night

issue 4340 | 10.03.07 | Commentary

In 10 years of Taco Night, I've never been so disappointed. Words cannot describe the pain you have caused your mother and me. What... more»
I'm Still Dazzled By The 2007 Emmy Awards!

issue 4340 | 10.03.07 | Columnists

Item! What do you get when you take the brightest television stars, put them in the best theater imaginable and let the cameras roll? No, it's... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4340 | 10.02.07 | Horoscopes
Blackwater In The United States

issue 4340 | 10.03.07 | Infographic

Since it was reported that Blackwater killed more than 25 Iraqi civilians in a seemingly unprovoked attack, it has also come to light that... more»
What's Our New Affectation?

issue 4340 | 10.03.07 | Statshot
Viewer Voices: Where We Respond To The Opinions Of Our Uninformed Viewers

issue 4340 | 10.04.07 | Video

The Onion News Network’s Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers’ emails, texts, and chats--no matter how inane. more»
Oct. 4, 1951

issue 4340 | 10.05.07 | Onion In History

Morty And Betty Crocker Executed For Selling Top-Secret Cake Recipes to Reds more»
Pinkeye: The Silent Annoyer

issue 4340 | 10.05.07 | Sunday Magazine
Aging Morten Andersen: ‘Kicking Field Goals Is All I Know’

issue 4340 | 10.04.07 | Photo Finish
Gun-Store Clerk Doesn't Want To Have To Sell You Gun The Hard Way

issue 4340 | 10.02.07 |
Reflexes Unaware It's Just A Pigeon

issue 4340 | 10.02.07 |
Alumnus Donates $60,000 Of Debt To University

issue 4340 | 10.02.07 |