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October 13, 2007 - October 19, 2007 | Issue 43•41

Thousands March On Washington For A Little Fresh Air, Exercise

WASHINGTON, DC—In an inspiring display of mobility, thousands of Americans from every walk of life swarmed the nation's capital Sunday to protest having to spend another minute cooped up in the...

Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man

issue 4341 | 10.13.07 | News

BANGOR, ME—"He may not have lived to see it, but I'm sure President Reagan is up in heaven smiling down on me," said the recipient of two crisp... more»
Piping-Hot Calzone Missing

issue 4341 | 10.12.07 | News

WEST ORANGE, NJ—"It was right here a second ago," said the owner of the sizzling Italian sandwich, which was last seen in the office break room... more»
NASA Announces Plan To Bring
Wi-Fi To Its Headquarters By 2017

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 | News

HOUSTON—Still relying on a single dial-up modem, NASA employees continue to get disconnected when someone at the Johnson Space Center picks up... more»
Bisexual's Parents Half-Understand

issue 4341 | 10.12.07 | News In Brief

EVANSTON, IL—The parents of recently admitted bisexual Jeremy Lambert said they completely half-understand their 19-year-old son's... more»
Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Retires 'D' Chord

issue 4341 | 10.11.07 | News In Brief

CLEVELAND—The D chord, famed for its part in innumerable classic rock songs, including "Back in Black," "Bad Moon Rising," and "Don't... more»
Cost Of Freedom At All-Time High

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday, the cost of American freedom has soared from its previous 1779 high of bravery,... more»
Every Intern At Nonprofit Trying To Solve Refugee Crisis First

issue 4341 | 10.09.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to employees at the nonprofit organization Refugees International, each of the four new fall interns has been... more»
4 Billion Years Of Evolution Unable To Prevent Area Man From Drooling On Self

issue 4341 | 10.07.07 | News In Brief

BRESLAU, NE—Nearly four billion years of biological evolution failed to prevent local man Dale Haynes from accidentally drooling all... more»
Patriots Stunned By Mere 17-Point Victory

issue 4341 | 10.11.07 | Sports News

BOSTON—The Patriots organization is reeling this week following their narrow 34-17 victory over the lowly Browns, taking stock of their... more»
Atlantic City Mayor Resigns

issue 4341 | 10.12.07 | American Voices

After an absence of nearly two weeks in which his whereabouts were largely unknown, Robert W. Levy, mayor of Atlantic City, NJ, returned to office... more»
Police Tasers Deemed Safe

issue 4341 | 10.11.07 | American Voices

A recent independent study determined that Tasers are generally safe in the hands of the police. What do you think? more»
Ticket Brokers Under Fire

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 | American Voices

After a slew of instantaneous concert sell-outs, culminating with tween idol Hannah Montana, several states are looking into consumer protection... more»
File Sharer Fined $222,000

issue 4341 | 10.09.07 | American Voices

A Minnesota woman was fined $222,000 for illegally downloading and distributing 24 songs via the file-sharing network Kazaa. What do you think? more»
Radiohead's New Honor System

issue 4341 | 10.08.07 | American Voices

British rockers Radiohead are offering their album as a download and letting fans pay what they want for it. What do you think? more»
Four Dead After Man Loses Control Of Dowsing Rod

issue 4341 | 10.15.07 | Radio
Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breaking Up

issue 4341 | 10.14.07 | Radio
Hershey's Ordered To Pay Obese Americans $135 Billion

issue 4341 | 10.13.07 | Radio
Former Defense Secretary Rumsfeld Seen Shivering In Autumn Wind

issue 4341 | 10.12.07 | Radio
Eighth-Grade Reading List Heavily Favors Stuff That Sucks Big TIme

issue 4341 | 10.11.07 | Radio
President Of Mexico Eaten Alive By President-Eating Fish

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 | Radio
Christian Slater Reports That Christian Slater Has Still Got That Christian Slater Magic

issue 4341 | 10.09.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 8, 2007

issue 4341 | 10.08.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Hanes Unveils W-Neck T-Shirt

issue 4341 | 10.09.07 | News In Photos
I Just Discovered This Hilarious Comic Strip Called 'Garfield'

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 | Commentary

I don't usually spend a lot of time reading the comics pages (you know me: straight to the real-estate section!), but last weekend I found... more»
Why Is It That My Girlfriend Insists On Sticking Around While I Transform Into A Werewolf?

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 | Commentary

There are some things a man should do alone. Watch the game. Go out for a drink with the guys. Grapple with his inner self as the milky blue... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4341 | 10.09.07 | Horoscopes
CIA's Authorized Torture Practices

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 | Infographic

The New York Times uncovered memoranda of secret Justice Department legal opinions regarding methods of interrogating enemy... more»
How Did We Get That Scar?

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 | Statshot
Proposed (Classified) Bill Will Defend Against Flesh-Eating (Classified)

issue 4341 | 10.11.07 | Video

Rep. John Haller (R-PA) introduces a bill that will allocate (classified) dollars over the next (classified) years to fight flesh-eating (classified). more»
Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career

issue 4341 | 10.08.07 | Video

'Cum Inside' star Jennica St. Foxx is receiving heavy criticism for using a racial slur in her latest film. more»
Doing God's Work: Does It Let God Off The Hook?

issue 4341 | 10.12.07 | Sunday Magazine
Curt Schilling Inexplicably Bleeding Throughout Game 3 Start

issue 4341 | 10.11.07 | Photo Finish
In Last-Ditch Effort To Woo Date, Al Green Song Turned Up Louder

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 |
Gut Reaction Workshopped

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 |
Baby Named After Real Father

issue 4341 | 10.10.07 |