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October 20, 2007 - October 26, 2007 | Issue 43•42

It Only Tuesday

WASHINGTON, DC—After running a thousand errands, working hours of overtime, and being stuck in seemingly endless gridlock traffic commuting to and from their jobs, millions of Americans were disheartened to...

First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn

issue 4342 | 10.20.07 | News

FAIRFIELD, CA—The orgy was marked by long stretches of silence despite the use of only two ball gags, and began with a melancholy daisy chain... more»
Fifty Years Of Space Exploration

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 | News

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the launching of Sputnik, the earth's first artificial satellite. What are the highlights of these... more»
Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O

issue 4342 | 10.15.07 | News

CHICAGO—The attackers made it clear America's outdated notion of terrorism has been challenged, and that true terror lies in the futility of... more»
Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons

issue 4342 | 10.19.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—"McCluskey's a good man, but he needs to clean up his act," Chief William J. Bratton said. "Same goes for Conroy,... more»
Police Horrified By Grisly Remains Of Taco Bell Meal

issue 4342 | 10.19.07 | News In Brief

TAMPA, FL—Local authorities were reportedly appalled and disgusted after discovering the brutalized remains of a Taco Bell meal strewn... more»
'95-'96 Prayers Finally Answered

issue 4342 | 10.18.07 | News In Brief

HEAVEN—Explaining that He had been "absolutely swamped," God announced yesterday that He was finally able to find time in His busy... more»
Sears Gold Card Holder Pushing Weight Around Area Sears

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 | News In Brief

MCKEESPORT, PA—Auspiciously attired in khaki Dockers and a Structure-brand blazer, longtime Sears Gold MasterCard holder Larry Halfhill,... more»
Man Sentenced To 3 Months Probation For 17th-Degree Murder

issue 4342 | 10.16.07 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS—Jury members in the murder case against real estate agent David Steffen said that the angry message Steffen left on victim... more»
Death Of Miss Moneypenny All TNT Needed To Run Monthlong Bond Marathon

issue 4342 | 10.15.07 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—The Sept. 29 death of actress Lois Maxwell, best known as flirtatious secretary Miss Moneypenny in 14 James Bond films, was all... more»
Dan Marino Hosts Hour-Long HBO Special Celebrating Favre's Interceptions

issue 4342 | 10.18.07 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Dan Marino, the former Dolphins quarterback, former multiple NFL all-time record holder, and current co-host of HBO's Inside The... more»
Drug-Resistant Staph Widespread

issue 4342 | 10.19.07 | American Voices

A study from the Centers for Disease Control found that potentially deadly drug-resistant staph infections were more prevalent than originally... more»
Madonna, Warner Bros. Part Ways

issue 4342 | 10.18.07 | American Voices

Madonna left her longtime music label Warner Bros. for a 10-year, $120 million contract with the world's largest concert promoter, Live Nation.... more»
U.S.-Turkey Relations Cool

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 | American Voices

Turkey recalled its ambassador to the U.S. and warned there would be dire consequences if Congress passes a resolution classifying the massacre of... more»
NBC Universal To Buy Oxygen

issue 4342 | 10.16.07 | American Voices

NBC Universal has agreed to pay $925 million for Oxygen, the media company designed to attract women. What do you think? more»
Laura Bush: U.S. To Condemn Burma

issue 4342 | 10.15.07 | American Voices

First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that the White House was ready to slap sanctions on the Burmese military government if it did not move toward... more»
Diabetic Child's Survival Hinges On Contents Of Piñata

issue 4342 | 10.22.07 | Radio
Nation Shocked By Pre-Natal Shooting

issue 4342 | 10.21.07 | Radio
Man On TV Urges Mass Purchase Of Listerine

issue 4342 | 10.20.07 | Radio
Bomb Shelter All Set For World Without Doritos

issue 4342 | 10.19.07 | Radio
Hooters Hires Another Shauna

issue 4342 | 10.18.07 | Radio
Congress Allocates $500 Billion To Combat Unexplained Rattling Noise In Congressional Car

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 | Radio
What's Left Of Pamela Anderson Married Again

issue 4342 | 10.16.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 15, 2007

issue 4342 | 10.15.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Over-Hydrated Terrier Proud Owner Of Six City Blocks

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 | News In Photos
What's Left Of Pamela Anderson Married Again

issue 4342 | 10.16.07 | News In Photos
If Elected, I Will Have The Hottest First Lady In U.S. History

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 | Commentary

My fellow Americans, in the coming presidential election, the voters of this nation will plot a course for the future. There are many... more»
You're Not My Real Stepdad!

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 | Commentary

You can't tell me what to do. You're not the boss of me. You're not the guy who married my mom after she got divorced. You think you can just... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4342 | 10.16.07 | Horoscopes
Fifty Years Of Space Exploration

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 | Infographic

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the launching of Sputnik, the earth's first artificial satellite. What are the highlights of these... more»
Top Reasons For Employee Absence

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 | Statshot
Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

issue 4342 | 01.02.08 | Video

For a majority of likely voters, meaningless bullshit will be the most important factor in deciding who they will vote for in 2008. more»
In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?

issue 4342 | 10.18.07 | Video

Panelists discuss ways to care for the nation's paranoid schizophrenics, such as hiding cameras in their homes or audio transmitters in their ears. more»
One Man's Inspirational Story And How It No Way Relates To You

issue 4342 | 10.19.07 | Sunday Magazine
Oct. 19, 1931

issue 4342 | 10.19.07 | Onion In History

Recently Opened Empire State Building 'Giant-Ape Proof,' Say Architects more»
Vinny Testaverde Touchdown Dance Hopelessly Out-Of-Date

issue 4342 | 10.18.07 | Photo Finish
Aquarium Worker Can't Remember If He Locked Up Beluga Whales

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 |
Take-Home Exam Question Typed Verbatim Into Google

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 |
OnStar Used To Parallel Park

issue 4342 | 10.17.07 |